


Empty Handed

by fireflylioness



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, M/M, Prostitution, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-01-17 06:28:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 80,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1377274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireflylioness/pseuds/fireflylioness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester is a successful young businessman,living the life some men would envy. But somehow,he feels that everything has found its place in there but him.</p><p>Castiel Novak is a high class prostitute,living the life not many people would want. And after so many years,the ghosts of his past still follow him around.</p><p> A night of drunken pleasure collided two entirely different worlds and brought something neither of them were ready for.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

PROLOGUE

 

Dean felt his hands shake from so much anger that was burning inside him. He could see his father in front of him, lips formed into a snarl and eyes filled with rage and disappointment.   
  
''Do you ever think of anyone but yourself?'', yelled John Winchester, while his strident voice echoed through the room.   
  
They were standing in the middle of his dad's work room. A cold room that didn't look like someone actually spends time in it which was weird because dad practically lived in it.  _It fits him_ , thought Dean. The only light in the room was from the desk lamp, but John's eyes were impossible to miss.   
  
In any other time, Dean would've let his father give him a fair share of insults and stinging accusations while he just stood there , listening, unable to move. But those words hit harder than anything John ever said to him.  
''Do I - How can you even ask me that!'', said Dean, voice strangely firm. His emotions were all over the place. He didn't even know what he was feeling.  _Anger, gulit, sadness_. Mostly just sadness.   
  
''Dad, I don't even remember the last time I did something for myself. It has all fallen on me. Taking care of the house, taking care of Sammy.'', his voice softened by that name. Taking care of his little brother never bothered him. He loved that kid more than anything. Ever since their mother died, John was distant. Dean could still remember clearly the night Mary died. It found its way to Dean's memory, never leaving him alone. How many times, as a kid, has Dean woken up with nightmares of her death, tears in his eyes and small body trembling – but there was no one to give him comfort. Sammy was still just a baby then. He needed someone to look after him, and Dean was there. John wasn't. He used to comfort himself , thinking that dad just need a little time. But the boys grew up waiting and getting absolutely nothing in return.  
   
''Don't use that tone on me, boy!'', replied John. It didn't matter that Dean was almost a grown up man now – the way his father spoke to him made him feel like he was five again.   
  
''I'm just trying to make you understand. It's my life, dad. My decision.''  
  
''Not when you're trying to ruin it.'' said his father. ''It was the girl's fault, I know it is. One date and you are defying your father because of her. She's not a good influence on you, Dean.''   
  
It wasn't true. Cassie was a lovely girl. They met in History class. Dean had forgotten his book and he took a seat next to her. They've been dating ever since. Three months steady. Dean thought it was love. She gave him more support and understanding than anyone ever did in a long time.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

''Why is this such a big fucking problem for you? I'm just trying to do what feels right. I want to save lives. That fire took mom. Ever since that, I wanna stop that from happening to other families. It may sound stupid to you, but it’s my dream. I think that mom would want me to do this.''                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

He wanted to be a fireman since he was a damn kid. He just never told anyone, only Cassie. Dean knew that his father wouldn't allow it. She was the one who made him do something about it. John, of course, had other plans for him. Plans that involved a prestigious college and inheriting a job in the company where his father worked.  _A life exactly like his_ ,thought Dean bitterly,  _an apple pie life_. 

''How can you even mention your mother?'', screamed John at him, ''You think she would want you to treat your father like this? To risk your life every day of your goddamn life! All I was ever trying to do is to give you and your brother a normal life.''

 ''Normal? What the hell is normal here, dad? If you wanted that maybe you should've been there for us. Maybe then I wouldn't have to explain to Sammy why dad's not here every fucking day!''  
  
 ''Your mother would be disappointed.'', was all John Winchester said in a quiet voice.   
  
''I am so freakin' tired of hearing that every time I say something you don't like. And, you know what? Maybe she would, but she'd be even more disappointed in you becau-''   
  
Then he felt it.  
  
A sudden pain against his cheek and copper taste of blood in his mouth. John slapped him.  _He actually hit me_. No matter how intense it got , John never hit him before.   
  
''You will go to your room, finish your work and never mention it again.'', said John, completely expressionless. And Dean did just that. ''Yes, sir.''   
  
Dean never raised his voice on his father again.  
   
   
CHAPTER 1

 

Dean Winchester was feeling majorly pissed off. He was sitting at a bar in the nightclub, flashing lights and sweaty bodies around him. He gave up the VIP loge long ago. And still, he had never felt more out of place. This scene wasn’t for him anymore. Ash would often tease him about it. ''You’re getting old, my friend.'',he’d say jokingly.                                                                                                                                         

But Dean was far from being old. He was rocking his thirties extremely well, thank you very much.  His eyes were still a sparkling green,the crinkles by them more visible,adding a certain maturity to his smooth face. But his best feature were his lush lips, he knew that. Behind them ,hidden was a bright smile that has often been described as  _irresistible_ , and not just by himself.

 He looked around himself. The place was decent enough. Of course ,if you could actually pay attention to anything other than the dance floor . It was party of entwined limbs moving to the loud beat of the music that belonged to some trashy pop song.  He couldn’t leave just yet. It was kind of a wilder after-party . Their company, Sandover, was celebrating their 15th anniversary. Him being there was expected, even though the real party for the media and the more classy folk ended hours ago.

 Just as Dean was raising his hand to call for the waiter, to order another beer – his fourth tonight, he was startled by a hit on his shoulder.

 ''You know, you’re pretty tough for someone your size and for the fact that you're a girl,'' mumbled Dean looking up at his best friend, Charlie. Her bright red locks bounced happily on her shoulders as she swayed to the song that played at the moment. She seemed in element, grinning at him.  _Well lucky her._

 ''And you look like someone drugged you,'' Charlie replied cheerfully, suspiciously peering at the golden liquid bartender just brought to him.

 Dean snorted. ''Yeah, I wish. Then I wouldn't have to listen to your annoying voice and those douchey songs.'' He just really wanted to go home. Maybe make some popcorns and watch re-runs of Dr. Sexy. It’s really been too long since he’s  last seen it.

''Come on Dean, I brought you here thinking you'll relax a little bit, it's been a tough month.''  It’s actually been a tough year. _Or life_ , thought Dean bitterly.

''That's exactly why I miss my bed and sweatpants right now.''  The pants he chose to wear that night were cutting into the flesh of his hips, which was totally unnecessary. He was already tired of monkey suits he had to wear on his job every goddamn day.

 ''Relax, Grumpy'', nudged him Charlie, ''maybe you’ll get lucky tonight. When was the last time you got someone hot and bothered between the sheets?''

 Just last month, actually. Though he didn’t remember anything else.  May have been a blonde. He loved sex and never had a problem doing it frequently. But he doesn’t do feelings. Doesn’t have them, doesn’t need them.  _Except for Sammy_  ,he thought fondly. His brother was always his weak spot. 

 Dean tilted his head dismissively and brought the bottle to his lips. The beer felt so good against his dry throat. It warmed him inside, made him somewhat calmer.

 ''I’m gonna leave you to mope by yourself. You’re chasing off girls with that look.'' She gently patted his cheek and surfed through the crowd with her skinny body. Soon she disappeared completely. He was losing himself in thoughts  of self-pity when he was startled by a male voice.

 ''A martini,please. And no olive.'' , said the owner of the graspy voice.

 Dean glanced around himself to see the martini guy.  _What?_  ,thought Dean stupidly , _It’s a sexy voice_. He was met by a shorter man. Blue eyes locked his green ones, thoughtful, almost considering. Dark messy hair that pointed in every possible direction would be funny if wasn’t so damn hot. He was dressed in casual jeans and blue v-neck T-shirt that brought out his eyes. _Well if it wasn't the bluest blue that ever blued_ , Dean thought.

 Martini realized he was being checked out, so a small grin spread its way across his face. _It didn’t reach his eyes though_ , noticed Dean. He did have the decency to be more subtle about his own checking out than Dean was with him.

 Either way, Dean wanted to hit that. This night just got a hell of a lot better. Dean swinged both ways, everybody knew it. It was sort of a public secret. Though nobody ever mentioned it, and Dean was happy not to talk about it. In dozens of his  one-night stands, he picked up a couple of dudes. Sometimes too drunk to think it trough, and other times just thinking 'What the hell, life's short – I’m going to hell anyways'. But he never had anything that would last long enough to label him as 'gay', so he was fine with the term bisexual. After Cassie, he never really stopped to think about anything, just nodding at everything his father said and screwing around as much as possible. 

 ''Did you know that June 19th is the National Martini Day?'' ,said Dean. It’s the first thing that popped in his mind. _Well, don’t I  just sound geekily weird?_

 That elicited a small snort from the guy. ''Am I supposed to?''

 ''Definitely not. Enjoying yourself?'' , asked Dean, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Thankfully, the bartender came to give the guy his drink, as Dean calmed himself down.  _What the fuck?_  He doesn’t get nervous, it’s always the other way around.

 ''As much as I can'' , replied Martini, easy smile never leaving his face.

 ''Yeah? So, what brings you here?'' It was a bit lame, not like Dean’s usual approach – but his brain obviously decided to shut down. 

 To that, Martini gave a short laugh. Dean liked the sound of it. ''Work, I guess'' , he said that sheepishly and ( _Could it be?_ ) shyly. Dean assumed he worked as a secretary or something. No one that  young, judging by his appearance, could have been employed in a higher position. Unless you’re John Winchester’s son, of course. And he was pretty darn sure he wasn’t ,nor John’s  or anyone else’s as important.

 ''And would you like to share your name with me?'' , Dean asked teasingly. It was getting awkward calling him ‘Martini’ , but anything else he could come up with was ‘Sexy As Hell’’.

 ''Do you really wanna know?'' , the guy asked, him suspiciously.  _Obviously_ , thought Dean.  He just looked at him blankly.  ‘’Um..well, it’s just Cas.’’ He licked his lips then. Fuck, he has such nice lips. Dean wondered how’d they feel like against his own or wrapped around his d-

 ''Alright, Just Cas. I’m Dean. It’s a pleasure meeting you.'' It was getting too distracting.

 ''Wanna move this to the dance floor, Dean?'' Cas asked, stepping forward, and Dean's heart started beating faster. _Calm down ,idiot._

 ''I don't dance.'' he quirked up a smile himself, retrieving his cockiness.

 ''But I could make it worth it.'' , said Cas ,lips curving seductively against the last words.  _Yeah, I bet you could, sweetheart._

 ''Tempting, yet still a no.'' Dean took another swing of his drink. Alcohol, was running through his veins, making him feel bold and so turned on. Coming closer to Cas, he put his right hand on his tiny waste, making his breath hitch. ''But how about taking this somewhere more private? Less talking, more friction.''

 Cas flushed ,but he came closer and brought his mouth just inches from Dean’s ear. ''That’s what I’m here for.'' He could feel his hot breath there, his body suddenly pressed up against Dean’s own. Dean didn’t understand what Cas meant by that sentence. _The guy probably came here with plans to get laid_ , thought Dean. And fuck if that wasn’t completely fine by him.                          

 ''Where do you want me?'' ,asked Cas, still whispering in his ear.  _On your hands and knees_.  

 ''My apartment ‘ll do it for now.'', said Dean while he put on his most seductive look in stash-eyelashes included. Somehow Cas wasn't affected by it, or at least didn't show it. He just took Dean's wrist, navigating the crowd to the exit door, turning his back to Dean.  _Well, we sure got to it fast_ , he thought, thanking God for skipping the ‘playing hard to get’ part with Cas,because he really wasn't in the mood tonight.

 They got away from the mass, climbing the stairs and squeezing by the security that was standing in front of the building.  

 Dean took a grateful, deep breath, fresh air sobering him up. They made a few more steps, then stopped. Cas abruptly turned to Dean, putting on that insincere smirk and approached him, closing the distance between them. And before Dean could figure out what’s happening -  he kissed him.

 It was an open-mouthed kiss that seemed almost mechanical, his tongue sliding around Dean's lips, waiting for them to open and let him in. Dean complied, their teeth crashing at the first contact, but they kept going, not wanting to break the kiss. Rising his hands to cup Cas' cheeks, a quiet moan escaped his lips. Not long after, the other man hung his hands around Dean's hips, pulling him closer, fingers buried in Dean’s shirt and into his flesh.

 His own pants felt too tight around him.   Minutes passed, and  Cas moved away.  ''So, are we going?'' he asked, eyes wandering from Dean's  swollen lips to the growing arousal between his legs.   

Dean just took his hand and led them to his car, only one block away. Way to it was in blur, Dean not being able to concentrate on anything but the taste of Cas’ mouth on his. He couldn't remember why he parked so far away. Cas would every now and then stop them for a quick kiss, and nobody complained.  
  
The shiny black Impala was now in his sight, and in few steps they were standing next to it. He had to let go of Cas'  warm hand, fumbling with his car keys. When he finally managed to unlock it, Cas was already sitting in the shotgun.  
  
His phone suddenly buzzed.  _Where did you go?_ It was a message from Charlie. Dammit, he forgot to tell her he was leaving, but it wasn't his priority at the time.  _Speaking of luck...see you on Monday_ , he typed back, pocketing his phone again and entering the car. He felt it buzz again five seconds later, but he didn’t care about that.  
   
Suddenly he felt something hot and heavy against his thigh. It was Cas’ hand. He was slowly stroking it with a playful smirk on his pretty lips. Dean allowed himself a quick look to Cas’ crotch -  where a boner, as hard as his own, poked up.   
  
Drive to his apartment appeared to take forever, and he stumbled on his way out when they arrived. Since he was on the last, seventh floor of the complex, they took the elevator.  
As soon as the door closed, Dean pinned Cas against the wall, resting one of his hands beside Cas' head and the other on his chest, palming defined muscles under the thin fabric. He could feel a nipple hardening against his fingers. Dragging his lips down the smooth jaw, he sucked the sensitive skin of his neck. A hand found its way on small of his back, now moving down the curve of his ass. He grinned against the soft skin, giving it a small bite. Silent whimper from Cas’ lips filled the room, and Dean was hard like never before. He was just about to connect their lips, when blue eyes darkened with lust opened.   
  
The elevator stopped, and Dean let go of Cas’ hands. They were both breathing hard, faces flushed. The hall of the floor was empty, none of his neighbors waiting for the ride down.  
  
Entering his apartment, Dean barely got the chance to turn on the lights. Cas jumped him, tearing his shirt from his shoulders. He immediately wrapped his arms around Cas, getting them under his T-shirt and feeling the soft skin on his fingertips. Dean pulled it over his head, revealing pale, milky chest. He put his hands on his sides, stroking him there. Cas reciprocated, and he could feel goosebumps all over his skin. Dean felt himself being pushed, his knees hit the back of the bed forcing him to sit down.   
  
He spread his legs in an obscene move, inviting, and Cas stepped between them, ducking his head to kiss Dean. This kiss was different, more gentle than their previous one. More tongue, no teeth. Cas tasted like the Martinis he drank in the club and something else, more sweet. It made him feel dizzy, leaving him craving for more. Dean hooked his fingers in Cas' belt loops, pulling him down to straddle his thighs, so their heads were on the same level. Cas slid his hands down to the zipper of Dean's pants, and Dean shivered when he felt the touch on his groin. He let Cas pull them off, now only having his boxers in the way of his growing erection. He groaned when Cas started caressing his hardness through the  black boxers, already wet with pre-come.  
  
''Bed,'' Dean murmured, moving to the head of the bed, with pillows under his back. Cas crawled on top of him, immediately going for his neck, leaving wet marks all along his muscled chest. He stopped to kiss the left nipple, while teasing the right one with his forefinger.  He swirled his tongue around it, suckling, and Dean was getting dizzy, shutting his eyes closed. Cas then moved down his abdomen, and pulled one finger under the hem of his boxers, teasing.   
  
''God, come on.'' Dean whined, feeling like his dick will explode if Cas doesn't get to it right that second.  
  
He obeyed, pulling Dean's boxers down his legs and throwing them across the room. Dean's cock bobbed up to his abdomen, free. Cas gave a little gasp and took him in his hand, stroking it slowly with his small hands. Then he looked up at Dean, smiling mischievously. Suddenly, he lowered his head down and swallowed Dean whole.  
 _  
_ _Oh shit_. Dean was pretty sure his moans could be heard down to the third floor, but he didn't care. He couldn't remember the last time sex felt like this, when someone's lips felt this good. Cas just kept going ,head moving up and down, his breathing speeding up. After few swirls of his tongue around Dean, he could feel the pleasure, the final hit, building up in him.    
  
Fingers dug into Cas’ scalp, pulling at his hair,  ''Stop. Stop, Cas.'' he barely found the voice to speak. Cas looked at him, cautious and tense.  
  
 ''What is it?''  
  
''Wanna come inside you. Please.'' _What's this?_  Dean Winchester is not a begger.  
  
Cas nodded his head, relaxed again. Dean lifted up, grabbed Cas and turned them – now he was on top of Cas. He could feel the hot skin beneath him, as he reached out for his desk, at the first drawer, searching for the bottle of lube and condoms. Thank God he bought some the other day, or this wouldn't end so gloriously.                                                                                                                                                                                                

Dean nipped at his sensitive earlobe, finally drawing  a loud moan out of Cas. He smiled triumphantly, and Cas locked his arms around Dean's neck, pulling him in for a longer, dirtier kiss. Opening the cape, he poured small amount of lube on his finger, rubbing them together and warming it. Just then he noticed that Cas still had his underwear on.

 ''Take them off.'' ,his voice rough. He did just that and soon was naked in all his glory.         

 He was so fucking hot. Dean couldn’t help himself – he attacked the milky skin, kissing and biting everything that was in his reach. He lowered his head, tongue tracing Cas’ stomach,going even more down. Dean avoided his now rock hard dick, instead following the line of Cas’ inner thigh. He gave him a sharp bite there, and Cas yelped in pain as he started wiggling under Dean’s weight.

 Dean pulled back and looked at his partner. After a short nod , Dean cupped his dick briefly but quickly moving on to the hole beside. Cas gasped as Dean’s lubed digits found its way inside his heatness.

 ''Is this fine?'' ,asked Dean. He could feel Cas’ inner walls, soft against his finger. Dean wanted to go deeper, but he didn’t want to hurt him.

 ''Anything you want'' , breathed out Cas. And then, he started moving his hips. ''Put another one in.'' Dean did just that. Soon, Cas was fucking himself on his two fingers. Little moans filled the bedroom as things were heating up between them. ''Go in.''

 ''Are you sure. I don-''

''Yes,I’m fucking sure'' , Cas all but yelled. ''Fuck me, Dean.'' , he whispered against his lips.

 Dean didn’t need to be told twice. He pulled his fingers out, took the condom in his hand, tear it out and put it on his aching member.

 But then Cas leaned forward, kissing Dean’s mouth, both hands cupping his jaw and Dean slid in. Cas whimpered and broke their kiss, but Dean chased after his lips. He gave his bottom lip a small, teasing bite as they shared their breaths.

 After a few minutes of stillness, Dean started moving his hips, gentle thrusts inside Cas. He’s still adjusting to it, but moans loudly when Dean bites his right shoulder, followed by his tongue to soothe the abused skin. Cas closed his eyes but Dean’s stare never left his face.

Cas wrapped both of his hands around Dean’s shoulders and tightened the grip of his legs around Dean’s hips. ‘’You can go harder if you want to.’’

 ''And what do you want, babe?'' , asked Dean, never stopping the movement of pelvis.

 ''Harder.'' He obeyed. 

 Dean sped up. His hips thrusting inside his partner hard, making obscene noises as their skin slapped against the friction. Dean was sure that Cas’ sides will bruise soon from the roughness of his grip but he didn’t complain. If anything, Cas was losing it -  his lips forming tiny ‘ohs’ that went straight into Dean’s cock. After a few moments and particularly forceful thrust, Dean hit Cas’ prostate. He moved his hips rapidly, desperate to come. Dean’s hand trailed down from where it was caressing Cas’ face to his chest and stomach, then wrapped around his cock.

 Just like that, Cas came with a strangled cry and Dean followed, still buried deep inside him. He was heavy on top of Cas, but he couldn’t find the strength to move.

 For three long minutes, they stayed like that, unmoved. Dean hated this part - that awkward post- sex zone. He liked it best when his partners just got dressed and left. _It was nice fucking you, byee_ , but he isn’t always that lucky _._

 Dean pulled out of Cas, his member now soft, but already missing the heat. He collapsed next to Cas, looking at the ceiling with a stupid grin on his face, feeling satisfied. Then he turned to his partner ,pulling a hand through his hair which was even messier than before.

 Cas then shifted uncomfortably, sitting up, and Dean's hand fell back on the pillow. He got off of the bed, walking around and collecting his clothes. Dean just looked at him.

 When Cas was fully-clothed, he was looking the same as few hours ago, except the crazy hair and well-fucked  look on his face. And a hickey that was forming on his neck.

 Putting his hands in the pockets of his jeans, that hung low on his hips revealing a thin line of skin, he was looking around the room. Actually, anywhere but him.

''So, um, what kind of payment do you prefer? I usually go for cash, but if you want to do a transaction with the agency – that’s not gonna be a problem. '', he mumbled awkwardly, finally setting his timid eyes on Dean.

 ''What?'' Dean did not understand.

Cas blushed and dropped his gaze again. ''Well, I was hoping you could do it right now. It’s much easier.''

 Dean honestly didn’t know what the guy was talking about. ''Payment?'' , he asked dumbly. Cas stared blankly at him. And then it hit Dean. He saw red.

 ''Let me get this straight..''  _Ironically._ ''You want me to pay you? As in give you money?'' He wasn’t…he couldn’t be. Dean desperately hoped it was a misunderstanding.

 ''Well, that’s what paying is, I suppose.'' Cas just looked awkward and a little miserable.

 ''So, you’re a prostitute?'' It was impossible for Cas to get redder. ''Why the heck didn’t you tell me?''

 ''I thought you k-''

 ''How sweet, you thought..'' , replied Dean angrily. He doesn’t do prostitutes. ''If you are a hooker, you don’t think! You just say you are one. That’s it.''

 Cas’ face frowned. ''I really thought you knew. I thought it was obvious. I’m so sorry. If you feel vandalized, you can complain to our agency. It was my fault. I’m so-''

 ''I honestly don’t give a fuck.'' , spat out Dean. ''You want your money? How much? A thousand?'' He took his pants, pulled out his wallet and threw the guy his money. ''It’s well-deserved, after all.''

 Cas looked mortified, but picked up the money anyway. ''I’m gonna go. I’m sorry, again.'' He got out of the room and headed straight to the door out, not looking back.

 ''Yeah. Be safe. Use a condom!'' ,yelled Dean after him sarcastically. He didn’t reply. He just walked out and closed the door.

 Dean was furious. How couldn’t he have realized? _A secretary, I bet!_ He felt so stupid. ''Cas'',if that was even his name, just made a fool out of him. As if he’s desperate enough to hire a prostitute.

 ''Fuck'' , he whispered through the empty, cold apartment. ''Fucking fuck.''


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

 

A loud knock woke Dean up from his dreamless sleep. He was in a half-sitting position on the couch of his living room. A drool found its way down his chin,forming a spot on the dark fabric of the furniture. _Shit._ Well that would explain this killing pain in his back. He rubbed his eyes,annoyed by the loud knocking that didn't seem to stop. The clock above the television was showing 7:16 am. _Who the hell could it be?  
_

He almost knocked the empty bottle of whiskey from the table as he stood up,catching it in the last moment. Dean was reciting every cuss he knew on the way to the door and opening them swiftly.

''Whoa! Smells like sex in here!'’ ,his best friend Charlie exclaimed euphorically,squeezing by Dean to enter inside. She stopped,as she saw the pieces of glass Dean threw across the room last night.

''Okay. So it was a hell of a moving-furniture-around wild sex or it didn't end well. I'm crossing my fingers for option one.''

''Shut up,Charlie.'' Dean was tired and not ready for this conversation.

''Oh,get her tiger. Or him ,'' she spoke jokingly. Her expression changed when she saw the look on his face.  ''Dean,are you alright?''

''Do I fucking look alright?''

Charlie was now frowning at the empty bottle of whiskey,suddenly concerned. Dean stomped to the couch and on the same place as minutes before. The drool spot still didn’t disappear. Charlie sat next to him,but didn't say anything,waiting for Dean to speak again.

Not in the mood for introductions, he sighed and said ''He was a hooker.''

Her eyes widened and lips formed into a small 'oh'. ''Shit. Did you...know?''

''What? Of course not! I'm not that miserable.''

''What happened?''

''Nothing. He stood up and asked for damn money. And I gave it to him.'' He felt a hand on his shoulder,but was too tired to move away. Instead,he just dragged a hand over his face,rubbing it and closing his eyes.

 _''I really thought you knew. I thought it was obvious. I’m so sorry. If you feel vandalized, you can complain to our agency. It was my fault._ _''_

He was so stupid.

''Want me to stay with you today?'' Charlie's voice was filled with comfort that somehow helped. Dean didn't want any company,but he'll probably down a few more bottles of whatever he can find alone. He was about to accept it,when he remembered.

''Oh,for crying out loud!'' he shouted,and Charlie jerked. ''I have to attend  a dinner tonight. With that company, _Parker’s,_ I think.'' He explained wearily. It was a marketing company,similar to the one he worked in. _Competition,_ he thought _._ Since his father was busy,well – he just didn’t feel like going, his lapdog son will be there instead.

''You really have to go?'' though she already knew the answer.

''Yeah. Shit.''

''Then you better shower and get more sleep,because you look like crap. I'm gonna head out.'' she said standing up,and ruffled his hair. ‘’You’ll be fine. I personally think that everyone should experience sex with a hooker,at least once.’’

''You're such a good friend.''

She snorted. ''Always have been.''

 

                                                                                                ***

 

 

The sound of the alarm screamed through the previously quiet room, making Castiel Novak jump in surprise. A frustrated groan escaped his lips, as he rubbed his eyes tiredly.  Sunshine streamed through  the big window lightning his room in a happily why that didn't match his current state of mind.

His body felt sore,his ass especially painful. _It is in the description of the job,after all_ ,thought Cas. Last night was hard. _Literally._ His client was a middle-aged man with rough hands and an even tighter grip. Cas could feel the bruises of his fingertips burning on his skin. He should put something on them to soothe the skin ,but he didn't feel like getting out of bed. _Like ever._

He laid there for few more minutes, then he thew the blanket off himself and got up. Someone's voice could be heard from his living room. When he stepped inside the small room, he saw that the TV wasn't turned off. He must've forgotten about it last night. _No wonder_ , Cas thought. _One day I'm gonna forget my own head._

The apartment was a mess. Castiel lived in pretty,but a small place. It's not like he needed more space – he was on his own. Cas loved it,though. It was painted in yellow, with a light brown carpet in the middle of the living room. His couch was taking most of the space. His best friend Gabriel likes to call it ''a dirty old thing'' , but Cas just thinks it's vintage. And he was rather fond of it. It reminded him of his childhood and better,happier days.

He went straight to the kitchen, passing by a shelf of books where Harry Potter and Dostoyevsky found their place. As he was pouring himself a glass of water, he took his phone. A missed call from Gabe. Cas quickly typed in his number,knowing it by heart, and pressed call.

''What peasant has the courage to ruin my beauty sleep this early?'' , said a voice from the other line.

''It's  eleven,Gabriel.'' ,said Cas with a smile.

''Your point?'' ,asked his friend. ''And I can't believe you finally found the decency to call,Mister.''

Cas winced at that,even thought it wasn't spoken in a malicious tone. ''I'm really sorry. Blame it on work.'' He could hear Gabe's  sympathetic groan. ''Anyway, what have you been up to?''

''You really don't wanna know.'' Knowing Gabriel, he probably didn't. ''So,when are you free for some 'Gabriel Time'?''

''I hate it when you call it 'Gabriel Time'.'' , snorted Cas affectionately.  ''And, I don't know. I'm pretty sure I'll work tonight. How about tomorrow? I'll come at the bar. '' Gabe worked in bar. He was the owner,actually. _His own little paradise._

''Whatever, deal. I have to go now. And Cas? Take care of yourself,okay?'' , insisted his friend.

''You know I will.'' ,promised Cas uncertainly. He said his goodbye and ended the conversation. Then, he went to the bathroom,took his PJ's off and turned the shower on. The hot water felt good against his sweat-covered,damaged skin. The funny thing about taking a shower is that it always got his mind working. Usually,thinking about serious,sometimes even painful stuff. He put some soap on his hair and rubbed it,slowly spreading it on his stomach and thighs. As his hand travelled more up to his neck, a memory played itself inside his mind. _Dean._ He didn't forget his name. Nor his fingers. Or the feeling of that soft mouth on Cas' body. The memory made his skin flush,blood rushing straight to his groin.

But no matter how much the sex felt good,the way it all ended still filled Castiel with shame. In Castiel's long history of embarrassing situations,this really brought it to the whole new level.                                          

 _Dean_ threw money at him angrily. And if it was for him,he wouldn't  have picked it up. But he really didn't feel like listening to Crowley's empty threats about him getting fired. _I wish._ That was most likely the only way he’d end it. So Castiel just ducked down and took it. He had heard Dean yelling behind,but it was probably nothing nice,and he didn't bother stopping to perceive it. He got used to it,as the years passed. Didn't he make his _profession_ obvious enough?  

Cas stepped out of the shower,turning the water off. He took a huge,white towel and wrapped himself in it. It felt somewhat comforting.  Just as he was closing the door of the now heated bathroom,his phone rang.  He sped up his movements and quickly answered. ''Hello?''

''Hey there,Castillo!''  Crowley's jovial voice exclaimed with heavy British accent.

''Crowley.''  Talking to his boss always made his mood go down.

''Dear,you sound so happy to hear from me,'' he replied sarcastically,cheerful tone never leaving his voice.

Annoyed,Castiel pulled a hand through his hair. He didn't have time for this. ''How can I help you?'' Cas asked with cold politeness .

''So,straight to business ,as usual.''  Crowley sighed,then continued '' You’re quiet popular,you know? I guess it’s about the eyes a-''

''Please get to the point'',he interrupted angrily.

''As you wish,darlin’. Good news. You have a new job. This time of the ‘escorting’ type. It’s a business dinner. '' Sans Souci'' hotel. Great payment.''

‘’What’s the bad news?’’ There always was.

''Well,the guy is 65 years old.'',mumbled Crowley. No big deal. Maybe he’ll die of a heart attack before he even gets to think about you naked.''

 _Great_ ,thought Castiel. ‘’Such a relief.’’

''Don’t worry. All you have to do is sit around and look pretty. Also,wear something tight.''

     

(later that day)

 

Crowley wasn't kidding. Charles Parker,as it turns out,is and old guy in a wheelchair. Castiel was sitting beside him,smiling and doing just as Crowley told him to. Saying that he felt uncomfortable was an understatement.  He jerked when a hand dropped on his knee,squeezing it. Gabriel would laugh his ass off,and so would Cas,if it wasn't happening to him.

They were sitting at a round table of an extremely expensive restaurant. It was a huge hall with many tables and even more people. All of them were dressed rather fancy  and Cas felt like he didn't belong there. It didn't help that it was pretty much obvious who he was and what was he here for. Cas wasn't the only one,though. Two more girls,young and pretty,dressed in tight yet appropriate dresses ,were here for the same reason,he assumed. That's why no one even tried talking to him. The best he got was a bright smile from a blond-haired man and a lingering look that made Cas blush – he knew lust when he saw it.

The hand on his knee started stroking up and down,moving over his thigh,getting closer and closer to Cas' groin. Then again,that's why he was here. So he just kept smiling and taking it,looking at his watch every now and then.

At some point,the perky grandpa Charles leaned closer and whispered in his ear, ''My penis is still functioning perfectly.'' The statement was followed by a cheeky smile. Screw my life, thought desperately Cas. He just smiled flirtily instead. ''Good to know.'' His companion suddenly turned,looking at the opening door of the restaurant.

Cas pulled out the phone out of his pocket. Only 8.30. _This is gonna be a long night._ He looked up then.  Someone with his back turned to Cas,was taking off his coat and giving it to receptionist. As the tall man turned around, Cas’ heart skipped a beat.

Dean was dressed in a classic black sweater, white shirt and incredibly well-fitting pants. He smiled his way through the tables,stopping every now and then to shake hands with other guests. All Castiel could do is just sit and stare at his bright,handsome smile. Step by step,he came to their table,grinning and not even noticing Cas.

''Mr. Charles. How good it is to see you.I apologize for being late,I-'' he started and then his eyes widened. Well,he sure did notice Cas now. Recognition flashed across his features.

''Oh,absolutely no problem,Mr.Winchester.'' The blond man stood up and shook Dean’s hand. ''Balthazar Anderson,pleased to meet you.''

Dean's narrowed eyes were fixed on Cas,as if asking _What the fuck are you doing here?_ It took him few second to look and acknowledge Balthazar and mumble ''Um,Dean Winchester. Same goes for you.'' He sounded disoriented.

''Look at you! Such a handsome young man.'', exclaimed Charles,clapping his hands together. ''Our John must be so proud.''

''Well,you have to ask him that.'' Dean’s expression changed. He seemed to have collected himself,sounding more like he did on their first meeting. The waiter followed Dean and pulled out his chair that was across the table, far away from Cas. He didn't know weather he was relieved or bothered by it.

Slowly sitting down,Dean looked at Cas again,his face hard. Castiel took a sharp breath and turned away to listen to conversation between Charles and Balthazar - it was a wine joke. He took a long gulp of his own. It was too sweet for his taste and definitely not strong enough. This Balthazar guy smiled at Cas too often for it to be out of politeness. Not knowing what to do with himself,Cas smiled back. Then he felt a pair of harsh green eyes on his face. ‘’So,Charles,who is this lovely companion of yours?’’ The way Dean said _lovely_ ,made him sure that it was all certainly a mock. Nonetheless,it still made him turn red.

''And lovely,indeed.'',said Charles,petting his shoulder. ''He is my escort for tonight. When you come to this age Dean,you just need more help from the side.''

Dean’s eyes glistered with mischief. ''I see. And how nice it is of – ''

''Cas'',interrupted Balthazar,again giving Cas one of his many smiles for tonight.

''Cas,right. To help out like that. You do that often,Cas? You help people?'' ,Dean’s eyes bored into him. Castiel just stared at him,his tongue tied. ‘’Is that all you do for them?’’ And in that moment he hated him. Dean was doing it on purpose – just to humiliate him. _Why couldn’t he let it go?_

Castiel took a deep breath.''Yes,I’m an escort. And if you’ll excuse me – I need to use the restroom.'' He got up quickly,still careful not to crash anything from the nicely decorated table.  He caught a glimpse of Balthazar's frown before walking down the hall. The restroom was nearby and it was empty.  Cas stared at his reflection in the mirror,his face looking an alarming shade of red.  He washed his face and hands,cooling them out,still too nervous to get back to the table. _Well this is just cruel_ ,he thought,ducking down to wash his face again.

Dean was standing behind him when he looked up,wiping drops of water out of his eyes. Cas flinched. ''What the...''

''What are you doing here?'' Dean growled,getting closer.

''They hired me as an escort for the night. I had no idea that you would be attending this dinner.'', Cas said,turning around to face him.

''Or did you?'' ,Dean asked,lips twitching up,but it wasn't sincere. Like he was trying to hide underneath it. 

''Trust me. Last thing I wanted to do after that night is see you again.'' ,gritted out Cas defensively.

Dean stepped forward. Cas started breathing heavily and biting his bottom lips unconsciously. They were standing impossibly close. So close he could count every freckle that settled on Dean’s face.

Before he knew what’s going - Dean kissed him. Castiel let out a surprised moan,and his plans about moving away faded as their tongues connected. Cas didn't realize how much he craved for this until now. How much thought about over these few weeks. Every touch was sending sparks through his body. Dean cupped the back of his head,lips moving down the jaw rougher than he was before. Cas sighed,pulling Dean's shoulders closer,desperate for contact.  They rubbed against each other,his cock so hard it ached.

Dean put his hands around Cas' hips,pushing him to the wall just like in the elevator. Cas felt trapped,but he was loving every second of it. ''Jump.'' Dean's voice was hoarse,eager. Cas wrapped his legs around his waist,as Dean caught his thighs and lifted him up without any effort. As he put his arms around Dean’s shoulders again,his tongue found a way back into Dean's mouth,swirling over his teeth and gums. The other man moaned and gripped his ass tighter. The fabric on his cock became unbearable,so he took Dean's hand and put it on his erection. Dean smirked,stroking it a few times,then pulling the zipper down.

His lips stayed on Castiel’s neck,finding the exact same place where he once left a mark and biting him there again. Meanwhile,Cas tucked his boxers down and took himself in one hand,slowly moving from the head of his cock to the base,letting out a guttural moan.

''Mhm,Dean please''. Cas couldn’t wait any longer. He grabbed Dean’s belt,opening it about,then pulling his pants and boxers down at the same time. His cock was slick with pre-come,hard and ready for Cas. He didn’t get the chance to fully appreciate it that night.

''Please what,baby?'',teased Dean as he ran his fingers under Cas’ shirt,feeling the skin.

''Fuck me,'' he breathed.

''But you're not-'' Dean started,brows furrowed.

‘’I am. I’m prepared.’’ ,his voice sounding desperate. ‘’I did it myself. Come on,Dean.’’ Castiel always did that – finger himself in the shower. He never knew what kind of client would he have. ‘’Better to be safe than sorry’’, his father would used to say. But he wasn’t gonna think about that now.

''Oh fuck,Cas. Do you have a spare condom?'' Deans asked between wet  kisses. _Shit._

''I don't. But...I'm clean.'' he said awkwardly. He never had sex without a condom,especially not with a customer. It was a rule he had. Cas told Dean as much.

''Me too,I swear.''

''Well,what are you waiting for,then?''  Tonight was the night for breaking rules. He arched his ass up,and Dean needed no more encouragements. Finding a way to Cas' inviting hole,he slowly slid inside until he was fully in Castiel. Being prepared as he was - there was no pain. Wonderful feeling of Dean's dick inside him elicited a loud whimper. Dean pulled out to the tip of his cock and almost immediately rocked back in. There was nothing gentle about it - teeth nipping at his collar,fast and strong thrusts of Dean's hips against him as his fingers dug into his legs. But Cas didn't mind. He only wanted Dean to go faster. To fuck him until he saw stars.

"Is that all you got?", he teased,his voice wrecked out. "Faster. Come on."

And Dean obliged. They were lucky that none of the guests felt need to visit the restroom because they would come right in the middle of a wild wall-fucking session,and wouldn't that be a show? Although Castiel’s needy moans could probably be heard outside.  And fuck if that didn’t turn him on even more.

Dean found his prostate and Cas arched up,his whole body shuddering. Few more strokes  of Dean’s  rough hand and Castiel was coming. Sweet relief of his orgasm  was followed by wet stripes across his bare chests,thanks to Dean ,who somehow managed to open his button-down shirt without him even noticing.  At least he won't have to worry about the evidences of previous events. The other man's movements lost their hard rhythm ,only seeking for relief now. After giving one last thrust onto Dean,Cas felt come pulsing out of his partner's cock deep inside him. 

They brought their sweaty foreheads together,just breathing for a while. Cas tried to kiss him once more but Dean suddenly moved away,putting Cas back to the ground. His legs were shaking,feeling like they were made of jelly. Dean took a step back and adjusted his clothes. He looked almost back to normal again,except for his flushed cheeks. _Well,it wasn’t his ass that was being pounded against a wall like there’s no tomorrow,_ thought Cas.When he adjusted his clothes,feeling stronger,he looked up. Dean was looking for something in his pocket. With sheer horror,Castiel realized what it was.

Dean pulled out his wallet,reaching out a hundred. ''Thanks for the service.'',he said as he was putting the money on the sink.

''Fuck you!" Castiel shouted,his face red. This wasn’t work,at least it wasn’t for him. What did he ever do to Dean that made him such an easy target?

"Maybe some other day,babe."  And with a wink,Dean left and closed the door after him.

 

                                                                                  ***

 

He opened the door of the lonely apartment,dragging his feet along the way. He was so fucking tired. The dinner was a disaster. After the fucking in the restroom,Dean got back to his seat. He exchanged some compliments with the guests,talked marketing with old Charles,faked a lot of smiles at that Balthazar dude,and then left. Dean mumbled something about a terrible headache and walked away. He won’t be missed,for sure. Fuck John Winchester for making him go there in the first place.

He didn’t say goodbye to Cas. Few minutes after their little encounter,Cas found the decency to come out. He didn’t speak much and didn’t even spare a look at Dean. His face was a mask,not revealing anything. The only odd thing about him was his to the end buttoned up shirt. No one asked him about it,of course,but Dean knew what he was trying to hide. It made him smirk.

What annoyed Dean the most,besides fucking a prostitute again,was that Balthazar Anderson and his obvious little crush. The guy was all over Cas. _Couldn’t he see that Cas wasn’t interested?_ All night it was ‘Cas this’ ,‘Cas that’ and ‘Would you like more wine?’. If only he knew what was precious Cas doing just moments before. And even more important : _with whom._

His rant was interrupted by AC/DC’s ‘’Back In Black’’ screaming from the table. His phone was ringing. He looked at the screen. _Sammy._ Dean relaxed immediately.

‘’Hey there,Loverboy,’’ , he answered. ‘’How’s it going?’’

‘’Hello to you,too,Dean’’, his brother said. He felt a smile in that voice. ‘’It’s going great. This break really came in the right time.’’ Sam and his longtime girlfriend,Jessica,were currently in Paris doing God know what. _Lucky son of a bitch_ , he thought affectionately.

‘’Well,I’m glad. At least one of us gets to enjoy.’’

‘’I’m sure you’re absolutely fine’’, Sam replied. ‘’What have you been up to lately?’’

 _Funny that you ask._ ‘’Dinner with the Parker’s.’’,he answered instead. I also fucked a hooker. _Twice_.

‘’Now I feel a bit sorry for you. Did he give you his usual ‘’handsome boy and proud father’’ crap?’’

‘’He wouldn’t miss it for the world.’’,joked Dean. ‘’So,when are you two lovebirds planning on flying back here?’’

‘’Um,tomorrow actually. But believe me,I’m in no hurry to come back and see Dad again.How is he anyway?’’

‘’If anyone’s fine,that’s him’’,he said darkly. ‘’You’ll see by yourself. Don’t forget lunch tomorrow night. You know how he is when we miss that.’’

‘’Can’t wait.’’ ,mumbled Sam sarcastically. ‘’I have to go,Jess is waiting. She says ‘hi’,by the way.’’

‘’Yeah,send her my regards. Be safe,Sammy.’’

He ended the short conversation and put his phone down. _What to do now?_  It wasn’t even midnight. He went to his room to change. Dean could really use a shower from all that come. But thinking about come,made him think about sex. And thinking about sex made him think about Cas. What is it about that guy that attracted Dean so much? He’s a nice piece of ass,no one can deny that – but Dean had many nice asses in his bed. _Why is this particular ass so special?_

All that thinking just made his head hurt. And after so many years of drinking,partying and fucking until dawn, he went to bed at eleven o’clock.


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER 3

 

If Dean ever wants to feel like shit,he should just talk to his father often. _Note to self._ It was 'interesting' to be home,though. _It's not home_ , a voice inside his head corrected him. It was true. Since their mother died,they moved into a new house. A warm,happy home that always smelled like his mother's cherry pie burned in the fire and took Mary with itself. Ever since,they've been living in a big,but cold house whose only purpose was to look like it cost a fortune. His room always felt like someone else's. Him and Sam both had a room of their own,although Sam would often sneak into Dean's at nights,at least when he was younger. Every time a nightmare would wake him up,he ran to Dean with no one else to comfort him. Sam didn't know that Dean often woke in nights as well,bright and furious flames dancing in front of his eyes. Dean really hated this fucking house.                                                                                    

As they started with their dinner,eating something suspicious-looking and apparently called ''Jhinga Kari'',they already ran out of small talk. Sitting in the pastel-colored dining room on a comfortable beech chair,Dean could cut the awkwardness with a knife. Sammy and Dad were still kinda pissed at each other – lifestyle disagreements,and Jess just sat there quietly. Not that Dean did anything else.

 ''So,how was your trip?'',John Winchester finally broke the silence,his tone and expression sounding rather interested in the answer. However,Dean knew that John never took vacations or left work for it,and he didn't like other people doing it. But damn,right now,he's acting it so good.

 ''It was good.'' ,said his brother shortly.

 ''Good.'',repeated John. If it wasn't happening in front of his very own eyes,Dean would actually laugh.

 When it was obvious no one will say anything further,Jess interrupted the silence. ''Paris is lovely. We got to see a lot great stuff. The Eiffel Tower is glorious. And Versailles was quite enjoyable.’’ She was trying  so hard to start a conversation. _Poor Jess._ After witnessing three Winchester-gathering dinners,you’d think she’d be used to it by now. Still,if he’s gonna be honest,Sam couldn’t have found a better person for himself. Jessica Moore is a pretty,artsy girl with a contagious smile and perky blonde locks. Also,very polite and smart – which Dad loves,yet funny and adventurous – which Dean loves.

 ''I’m glad you kids took some time for yourselves.''  _Yeah,right._   ‘’Dean,how are you ,son? With what were you so busy that you couldn’t even pick a phone and call your father?’’ He usually did this on ‘’family dinners’’. Tortured the hell out one son,then passed on to another one. But Sammy was tough tonight. Or John just had a soft spot. He could never stay mad at his precious Sam.

_I was busy burying myself in work for the fucking company you forced me in. I,also,drank a lot. And fucked. But only a prostitute,twice. You proud,daddy?_ ,his thought screamed. Instead,he gave a short reply,’’Mostly job,Dad. Dick's just being a dick.’’ That earned him a small laugh from Jess and Sam,but a frown from John’s now slightly wrinkled face. His father aged,but damn he aged gracefully. His hair was punctuated with grays and once muscular body seemed softened,yet he looked much younger.

 ''As he should.'',his father’s voice strict. ''Doing your best is always something you should aspire to do,Dean. And I hope you are. Besides,he’s on the top for a reason,son.'' _Or_ _because he was better than you,_ Dean finished in his thoughts.

 ''Of course,father.'' Dean just agreed. Trying to explain something to him is as explaining to a rock. Except that rock can get warm if it’s been to long on the sun. He doubted his father ever could.

Dick Roman was a corrupted asshole with a bought degree and a greedy little mind. But it still hurt - the way John spoke so highly of other people,leaving nothing but disappointment and constant judgment for him. He did everything  John expected of him. Finished his high school,the fucking college,inherited his workplace in Sandover – but that’s just not good enough. John may not be happy and pleased with him,but Dean was even less.

 ''And that dinner with Parker?''  John continued his interrogation. ''You _did_ excuse me for not coming?''

_No,I just came and said you told them to ‘Fuck off’_ . There _was_ a person John couldn't stand – confused,old and hooker-hiring Charles Parker. He would always send Dean instead,making him recite a new excuse every time.  But that question brought a memory of their last meeting…and Cas. The attractive hooker who stalked his dreams and fantasies more often than Dean would dare to admit.

 ''Yes,sir.'' The table was hiding the sudden rush of blood into his groin. _Shit._

But then he remembered that Balthazar douche. He was checking out Cas way too much for Dean's taste,literally stripping him down with his eyes. The sweet words and compliments made Cas blush,face reddening in such a lovely way and Dean felt a stab of something. Why would he be jealous? Nope,it wasn’t jealousy.

The rest of the night went like it always did. John sharing life lessons to his sons,and Jess talking while no one actually listened,too busy glaring at their porcelain plates.

 

                                                                                           ***

 

Too many lights were blinding him,couldn’t see a thing in front of him. He could hear,though. The speeding of the car made his heart bump louder and faster than ever before. His whole body was trembling as a loud sound of the car crashing woke him.                                                                                    

The next thing he knows,Castiel is laying in his bed,his forehead damp with cold sweat. He took a deep breath,waiting few seconds before exhaling. Well,at least it wasn't middle of the night. Cas hated nights like this. Too much light that blinded him,left him lost and alone.                                                                                                                       

Rays of sunlight peeked through his window,forming funny shapes on the bedroom floor. Clock beside his bed was showing eleven AM. Perks of the job - sometimes you get to sleep until noon. Although the client last night kept him on all fours by dawn.

 His pajamas were sticking to his skin,wet from sweating all night long.  He took a shower,seeking comfort in squirts of hot water. It relaxed his tensed muscles and cleared his head with nothing but the hot stream to worry about.

 Cas got dressed quickly,throwing his favorite jeans and cotton T-shirt on his now heated body. He also put on his sunglasses,trying to hide his tiredness that showed around his eyes. Not having time for breakfast at home,Cas bought chocolate doughnuts at Corbo’s Bakery.

 Gabriel's bar was opened by now. _Trickster_ was a small,but cozy bar with usual guests,and occasional newbies. Gabriel owned it for seven years,struggling at the beginning. It took him some time to get it going,and it ended up being pretty successful. The hot air and smell of beer hit him as he opened the glass door,creaking like always and making Cas shiver. They met the similar way. Castiel,five years from now,opened the very same door looking miserable and willing to do anything. He stayed until closing,and Gabe took pity on him,offering his couch for the night. The rest was just history. _Gabriel Milton is a good man_. Eventually,he found out what Cas does for living,yet he still stuck around. Castiel was offered a job as a waiter at the bar,but he couldn't accept it. He just started to earn some real money at Crowley's and couldn't afford to give it up. But the offer was still there and Gabe reminded him so every now and then.

 Gabriel was putting down the chairs and wiping the tables when Cas came in. The place was already filling with people. _What a life,if you must start drinking before noon_ ,thought Cas. But not like his own was any better. ‘’These doors don't bother you?'' sighed Cas as he seated himself on the chair nearby.

 ''Hey Cassie!'' Gabe turned around to greet him,but frowned when Cas pulled off his glasses. ''Whoa! What rained on your parade?''

 Castiel snorted at the nickname and shook his head, ''Nothing,just feeling drained lately.'' He finally unwrapped his doughnut and bit into the soft roll.

 ''Can't that shortsack give you a break?'' Gabriel washed his dust-covered hands.

 ''Look who's talking.'' Cas' laugh was genuine. Crowley _was_ short,but Gabe wasn't very high himself.

 ''Excuse me Mister,I may not be high,but I have an impressive length,'' he winked,blowing teasing kisses to Castiel.

 ''Kali would know,and I'm not sure I want to.'',he mumbled,mouth full of chocolate’s taste.

 ''Kali can suck it,'' said Gabe moodily,then added ''in non-literal way. She would probably bite it off. I think she tried once.'' Cas wouldn’t be surprised if that was true. Kali was Gabriel’s ex-wife and a very terrifying woman. Not to mention she didn’t approve of Cas. She got off when she found a better chance. Gabriel didn't seem too touched by it,though he would mention her from time to time,longing.

 ''How's work? Are those bastards treating you well?'',his tone all serious now. He would often act like a bigger,older brother,protective and caring. _Just like Michael once did._ That thought was followed by a sharp thug in his heart,waking a part of him that he buried a long time ago. That dream left him too vulnerable.

 ''How good can it be? I'm fine.'' Cas answered,trying to control his sudden wild emotions.

 ''You know what I have to say about that,'' started Gabe.

 ''Yes,I do,but honestly - I’m fine.'' That wasn’t completely true. _But I will be. ''_ Between Crowley’s bad flirting,always empty fridge and asshole customers,I’m pretty damn good.''

 ''You know me. I have to ask,Cassie. Because I actuall-''

 ''Oh,I love you too,Gabriel.'' Cas said with a smile on his face.He did appreciate his friend’s concern. It was nice – being the subject of someone’s concerns for a change. Not that he liked seeing his friends sad- _of course not!_   It’s just that he didn’t have that in his life for a long time. _Maybe too long_.

 ''And do not call me that!'',he yelled playfully.

 ''What,would you prefer patootie? I can get fairly creative when it comes to nicknames.''

 ''Yeah,that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend.'',joked Cas. ''Now shut up and bring me a beer.''

 ''Yes,sir!'' Gabe saluted enthusiastically,stomping behind the bar.

 As Castiel was waiting for his drink,his phone buzzed. It was from his boss. It came with an address,time of the meeting and _wear something nice xo,C._ from Crowley. It was about time.                     

 

                                                                                              ***

 

Dean didn’t keep a lot of stuff at his of office. He was sitting on a comfortable leather chair and in front of him were some papers,pencils,all neatly folded on the desk beside his computer,and few pictures. One from Sam's graduation, the other one is his father hugging him as a toothless six-year-old,and the last one of Mary Winchester. A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts and jerked him back to reality.

 Charlie Bradbury stormed inside,her footsteps echoing through the quiet room. ''Thirty minutes. And a nameless prostitute becomes Castiel.'',she said with a smirk. ''You should definitely pay me more.''

 Ever since that dinner,Dean couldn’t stop thinking about him. It wasn’t healthy. So,he asked his best friend to scoop up the guy’s name and agency. Because that was the smartest thing to do when you suffer from obsession over a hooker.

 ''You know I have nothing to do with that'',he replied. _Castiel._ He wondered weather his parents were hippies or just hard-core Christian fanatics. Still,Dean had to admit it was kinda sexy.''Besides, I only had to spend a ridiculous amount of money for _Game of_ whatever _exclusive_ box set,'' Dean teased with sarcastic smile on his face.

 ''I deserved it,fair and square.'',she winked at him. ''At least put me on a good word with the Dick.''

 ''Because he values my opinions so fucking much.'' He was distracted. As soon as Dean got his hands on _Castiel’s_   file,the world stopped spinning.

 Castiel Novak was born on 19th of September 1985. He was born here,in Ohio,Cleveland,where he finished elementary and high school. No college. _What do you expect? He’s a freaking’ prostitute!_ ,he mentally cursed himself. His father’s name is Chuck. _How ordinary_.

 ''Okay,I see it's just you and your papers now. See you on lunch.'' Charlie left before she could hear Dean mumbling ''sure''.

 Castiel Novak apparently worked at ''Crowley’s Angels Escorting Agency.'' Dean let out a loud snort at the name. And little Cas has been Crowley’s angel for over six years. So,he’s a boy with experience. Dean didn’t know why that bothered him so much. He didn’t even try lying to himself – he wanted Cas. No,he _needed_ to have him again. And he didn’t like that feeling.                                                                                               

Maybe he should just do something about it,get it over with. Dean could fuck him again,then stop thinking about him so much and find another,more attractive body to warm and pleasure him. _Preferably not a prostitute._

Cas would be gone from his life and thoughts and Dean would be free to move on with his sorry life. _That’s it_ ,he thought. _That’s what I’m gonna do._ As he typed in the number of the agency,Dean could sense his palms sweating. A voice replied from the other line and he made his request.

                                                                     

                                                                                                     ***

 

Grabbing his keys and cell,Cas rushed across the street,memorizing the address. 1 _701 E 12th St, Cleveland, OH 44114,apartment 79_. He kept repeating it in his head,hoping he won't get lost halfway there. _Write it down next time, dumbass_ , Cas scolded himself. It wouldn't be very pleasant if he got on the wrong door,now would it?  
He was dressed in a black,long-sleeved shirt and black pants. Though there wasn't any need for dressing nicely if he's probably gonna be naked first two minutes of his stay there. But he had to respect the policy of his agency.

 Cold breeze muffled his hair and erased all his previous attempts to comb it to some decent shape. Cas hoped his fatigue wasn't visible,or there goes a good tip. He stopped a yellow cab and recited the address as he got in,resting his head on the cold window. Just few more hours,and he'll be home again,drinking tea and watching some crap TV show. It was an embarrassing thing to admit,but lately he started to enjoy a soap opera that had late re-runs,and he usually falls asleep watching it. A car behind them honked,jerking him from his plans. Now that he started to pay attention to the environment outside,he couldn’t help but feel strange. The road was familiar to him,but he didn't know why. Cas was never at this part of the town,or was he? Maybe he had a costumer here once. Crowley didn’t mention anything about a regular,but it’s not like Cas was never hired by the same guy twice. _Or weekly._ Right now,he had two regulars.

 Making a turn,the cab suddenly stopped and the driver looked expectantly at him. _This is it_. He gave the guy his money and a friendly ‘thanks’. It was still windy,but the sun was shining bright. It was a nicer part of town. The building was huge,its pointy roof ripping the sky. As he came in,Cas went straight to the empty elevator. Pressing the buttons,nervousness started spreading through his body. That awful feeling of familiarity hit him again. Oh _shit_. That couldn’t possibly be the very same elevator where asshole Dean almost fucked him once. _It’s not_ ,he reassured himself. Why _would Dean hire you again?_ Maybe it’s just the same building. _Of course_. It’s not Dean hiring him again,just some other horny guy. Nonetheless,he wiped the swat from his palms on the dark fabric of his jeans. And the elevator stopped.

 Cas walked out slowly and went for the door. He dragged on purpose. Either way,he’s fucked. And not just literally. If it’s not Dean,Cas will feel like shit for having sex so near to his latest fantasy. Even though he doesn’t owe Dean shit. And if it turns out to be him… _It’s not. It’s not gonna be him_. Constantly repeating those words,Cas rang the bell,looking at the wooden door as if it’s all their fault. Anxiety was leaking through his pores and as  his heart beat faster,Cas put a hand on his chest like that would slow it down.              

When the door opened,Castiel’s thoughts went wild. This wasn't even funny anymore,if it ever was. Either his douche boss had something to do with this or it was destiny. He snorted at the word and vouched for the first assumption.

 ''Hello,Castiel.'' Dean Winchester greeted him with a smirk on his handsome face,widening the door and making space for him. Cas closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER  4

 

Dean called him his full name. Never feeling comfortable with that,he insisted on 'Cas' with his clients. He was known as Castiel only to Gabriel and Crowley,although both of them had their own version of his name. Naomi,his mother,used to call him that. It usually slipped from her lips in a harsh,displeasing tone,followed by a look that used to awoke so much pain in his little heart. _It still does._ Every time Cas takes a moment to look around and acknowledge the mess that represents his life,it’s his mother’s voice telling him what a failure he is. She never even had big expectations to begin with,but this takes it to another level.

 But hearing the name so loud in the otherwise painfully quiet room felt strange. Especially from those lush lips that drove him crazy – sometimes showering him with lingering kisses,other times just hurting him with mocking words. Still,it made him want to hear it again,and again,and again. Like a prayer from Dean's mouth,while he worshipped every part of Cas' body. His cock twitched on that thought,and now it was his time to pray it wasn't visible because it would be pathetic. This asshole smiling in front of him made him feel like shit,leaving him with a cold sneer and a _Maybe some other day babe,_ while his money stayed displayed on the sink. Castiel replied that scene in his head countless times.

 Dean Winchester made him feel somehow cheap,dirty. He had no right to treat Cas like that. Just because he’s a prostitute doesn’t mean he ever stopped being a person. Despite that,he desired him. Castiel wanted to hate Dean,every part of him did. But he couldn't,lust overcame the savvy. 

 ''Are you going to come in?'' Dean asked with a sneer,leaning onto the door-frame. Tight cotton shirt pulled up a bit,revealing the skin of his hips,and Cas stared. It looked so kissable,soft and warm.  He won't fall for that this time. Even though he was reluctant about that decision,he will stick to it.     

 Lifting one of his eyebrows,he walked past Dean into the apartment. It's just going to be a business meeting this time,no misunderstandings. Dean took some time following in what looked like a living room. It didn’t look friendly or homey at all. Just very fancy and expensive with not a single personal touch. Castiel’s clenched paces were resting awkwardly against his sides,as he waited for further instructions.

 ''Um...'' ,if Cas didn't know better,he'd think Dean was suddenly shy .''Do you want anything to drink? I can-'’

 ''No,thank you. I'm guessing you'd prefer bed this time?'' He was trying his best to sound casual.

 Something flickered in Dean's eyes. ''Yeah. First door at the left,I'll be there in a minute.''  

 He already knew the way to Dean's bedroom,still remembered it. Now he looked around at the interior. Deep blue sheets were splayed across the king-sized bed,and the fabric looked fine,like silk. Built-in closet (Cas guesses it was),and a desk by the bed with some personal things placed on it,took most of the space. He wasn't curious enough to pry around,and Dean could come in any second. The room was otherwise empty.

_Strictly business,_ he repeated to himself,stripping clothes down quickly. Pants and jeans were now lying carelessly on the clean floor. Climbing on the bed,he felt the silky sheets against his knees as he placed his hands on them too. Most of his clients took him like this,from behind,while he shut himself out and thought about anything but the current situation. Occasionally he would let out a faked moan,so the other men wouldn't complain. Sometimes he would even come. His plan was to do the same. Dean Winchester is just another customer and nothing else,so Cas will treat him like one.

  Silent steps almost made him turn around. Instead,he just kept staring at the blank wall in front of him. Nobody moved for some time and his knees already started to hurt,so he suggestively arched his ass up. Dean noticed that,if the breath he let out was anything to go by. Cas felt warm hands on his hips a moment later. God help him if every inch of his body wasn't covered in goosebumps. Dean stroked with his hands up and down his back,but Cas didn't lean into the touch.  He regretted it when the other man moved away. He wondered whether Dean liked what he saw.

 His eyes caught movements of Dean's body as he walked to the desk,pulling out lube and condoms. He could hear a ruffling sound and realized that Dean was taking his clothes off. Cas was once again prepared,and Dean might know that too,but he still opened the bottle and a familiar slick sound filled his ears. Sudden press of fingers against his hole caught him off guard and he flinched. Dean put his hand once again on the small of Cas’ back,but he kept pushing in. Castiel shuddered as a finger twirled around his inside walls few times,experimenting. Dean soon added a second finger and Cas gritted his teeth. It became more intense and fast by the time third finger joined in and found the prostate. Cas' cock was desperate for a lightest touch,as he was pushing himself against the rough fingers. Small whimper escaped his parted mouth. Blood leaked  from his lips,only then he realized how hard he bit it. Suddenly,fingers were gone and Cas immediately craved for more.    

 A condom package was being ripped behind him,and he heard a sharp intake of breath while Dean slid it on his dick. Once again a hand was on his left hip,as the other was spreading his cheeks. Fingers pressed into the skin of his upper leg,gripping him hard. Cas could feel Dean’s hardness entering him. One strong thrust and Dean was fully inside. His breath hitched as he felt how big it was,spreading him in obscene ways. _Dean_ was finally fucking him. Cas needed to stop thinking or his plans about self-control were doomed.

 The other man pulled halfway out,then thrust in again. They kept rocking like that for a while,and Cas refused to admit how good it was. His hands were gripping the silky sheets tight,trying to control his needy moans. But there was no denial when Dean took his hard cock and started stroking it,paying special attention to the tip covered in pre-come. Being unable to fight it,Cas raised his hand to put it on Dean’s,where it was gripping his erections. They stroked it together in hard fast movements. Dean dropped his forehead on Castiel’s neck,breathing hard against the flushed skin. It made him shiver and he felt his orgasm building up. His partner came with a ''Cas!'', still moving erratically. He gave one last moan,then came too.

 Dean felt heavy laying on top of him,still not moving. That hand never left his hip,now caressing it.He could swear he felt soft lips on his back. Shifting from current position,Cas faced the wide-eyed Dean,covered in sweat. _I won’t fall again._

 ''Can I help you elsehow?'' Cas even quirked up a fake smile,looking at Dean who was now frowning,confused. But he didn’t care,because he won’t get hurt again.

 That look was soon gone,replaced with a cocky smirk.  ''Nah,I think this should cover it.''

 Castiel nodded once and got up to dress himself. He did the same few weeks ago. Hopefully,they’ll skip ‘the money-throwing’ part this time.

 Cas was dressed and clean by the time they came to the apartment door. Dean didn’t bother – he just put on some dirty sweatpants,naked chest displayed. He handed him an envelope and Cas put it in his back pocket without checking out. Something inside him ached. 

 ''Well,'' Dean started,looking at some spot past Castiel's head. ''I guess that's it.'' He turned around to leave,but Dean spoke again,or tried at least. ''Cas..''  

 ''Dean?'' Cas waited,and something in him lit up. 

 Tense silence fell upon the room.  ''...Good night.'' Dean's mouth stumbled over those words. Cas didn't know what he was expecting to hear,but this wasn't it.   

 ''Good night.''  he echoed,already few steps ahead. Maybe Dean hasn't even heard him,but it didn't matter. Not really. There was something tight in his throat that made breathing seem hard.

 

                                                                                       ***     

 

Dean felt great. A feeling he lately felt only during sex. No that he did anything like that with his friends. Sure,there was a lot of sex-talk and jokes,but nothing beyond that.

 They've never been at  _Trickster_ before,though Dean has heard of it. The place was small and crowded,but Dean liked the atmosphere. It was their traditional boys’ night out and the best part of Dean’s month. Being so stressed out about his job,Dad and Castiel,Dean needed a break. He just wanted to get drunk ‘till he can’t stand straight and count on Victor to drive him home safe.

 ''Okay,okay. My turn!'',yelled Ash,already half-drunk. They were playing their favorite game –''Shit you did this month!'' Since everyone is busy,they don’t get the chance to talk much. So,they all have to confess  something they did (or didn’t do) this month,and the one with the best story must pay for all the drinks.''I just bought myself a new laptop.''

 ''Oh come on,Ash!'',yelled Benny,taking a sip of beer from his bottle.

 ''Dude,that’s all you ever do.'',laughed Victor. ''I declare it lame!''

 ''Alright,alright. It hasn’t been a very interesting month,honestly. I suck,I know.'' Ash then turned his wickedly-styled head to Benny. ''Your turn,Benjamin. Sink low.''

 ''You want low? Fine,since I think this is a safe circle. He coughed and let out a throaty laugh. ‘’I haven’t gotten laid for even more than a month.’’

 ''Aw,Benny,I didn’t know you got into celibacy.’’,teased Dean. To be honest,Benny wasn’t what you’d call a _womanizer_. But he did swirl around,mostly just trying to get over his ex-girlfriend Andrea, without any success though.

 ''Hey,no mocking. Remember the rules?''

 ''Yeah,Dean,ya hear that?''Ash elbowed him jokingly. ''Benny,you might actually win this one.''

 Dean protested. ''Come on! Dude’s got a serious case of blue-balls and now he’s gonna lose his money,too? Even I feel sorry for him.''

 Benny suddenly turned to Sam,who just stood there laughing. He was only on his first beer. ‘’No,no’’,his brother mumbled as he realized what was expected of him. ''I’m a guest for tonight. Don’t I get a free ticket?'' And all the guys rolled his eyes at him. ''Okay.If you insist. So…hm…I got to spend a few amazing weeks with my girlfriend in Paris.’’ Then he smiled cheekily.

 ''Booo!’’,exclaimed Ash loudly. ''Being single rules!'' He turned his back on them to wink at some girls standing in the corner of the bar. A few of them let out a giggle. Ash wasn’t typically handsome,but with his crazy hair and eccentric style,he caught a lot of attention.

 ''And I told Dad I wanted a brother.'' Sam just made a face,amused by their behavior.

 ''Now,Victor,Vicky,Vickster – it’s your turn!''

 ''I can’t believe it,Ash,you’re drunk. It’s only midnight,man.'' Victor was,sort of,the responsible one in their little group. Or,at least,he had to be. He was a cop,yet he didn’t look like one now – his dark skin covered in sweat,mouth smiling dizzily. That really came in hand for all the boys and their ‘fast/drunk driving problems’. ''I was a bad cop. Should’ve made some girls pay for driving too fast or take their licenses. Instead,I let them go because they were hot. And lesbians.''

 ''My God,Mr.Henriksen. Shame on you.'' Ash accused him,spilling some of his beer on the table. ''On you and your perverted mind. What would your wife say,dude?'' Victor was happily married to a beautiful wife,who was awesome enough to let him go out with them every month.

 Dean felt a tap on his shoulder. It was his brother. He leaned tow whisper in his ear. ''Dean I’m gonna go now. It’s past midnight and Jess is waiting.'' Sam gave him an apologetic smile.

 ''Ow,Sam,if it’s for Jess,you definitely should go! Cheers for Jess!'' He was talking loud on purpose. Dean liked Jess,he really did. It’s just that every time Sam and Jess talk about their feelings or do the whole romantic shit thing,Dean gets that awful feeling of emptiness. He feels as if he misses something and it hurts sometimes. But he’s apparently drunk enough to acknowledge that. Otherwise he’d pretend,deny and lie to himself,to other people – and we come to this full lying circle.

 ''I’ll tell her you said hi.'' Sam rolled his eyes and got past Dean to tell his goodbyes to the rest. Boys made a little fun of him for being so whipped,not really meaning it. Except for Dean. ''I also think It’d be wise if you’d stop the drinking.''

 ''Fuck you,Sammy.'',Dean protested. ''I’m the bigger brother here. Go kiss you girlfriend goodnight.'' And Sam left with one last wave.

 ''Ya’ know,maybe that’s not so bad.'',Benny mumbled,after Sam closed the door. There was a certain longing in his eyes. ''To have someone to come home to every night.’’

 Dean was too drunk for this conversation. ''Benny,you’re such a sissy. Why the fuck would anyone want that? Now,shut up about it. It’s my turn.'' And he had a good one. ''So this month….I fucked a prostitute. Trice.'' A smirk appeared on his face when he saw the surprised looks.

 ''A hooker?'',repeated Victor. ''Why would you do that? It’s not like you have a problem finding a lay.''

 ''Nah. But I just did. His name is Castiel.'' Dean didn’t know why he added the last part. If he’s gonna be honest,he didn’t know about a lot of things involving the engaging hooker. He was all Dean thought about,lately. It’s been two weeks since their last ‘meeting’ and Dean was losing sleep. He thought that it would all be gone,but after their last time Dean’s desires have gotten stronger.

 After moments of a painfully awkward silence and confused looks,Ash said ''I lost my virginity to a hooker.'' And everyone burst out laughing. ''Hey,don’t laugh. At least I had a great first time. She really gave her best.''

 ''Oh,I bet she did.'' Victor had trouble coming for breath. ''At least you weren’t as pathetic as Ash,Dean. So,how was it?''

 ''You know,like sex.'',Dean answered stupidly. ''He was good. And hot.'' Now that he started this subject,he didn’t wanna talk about Cas in front of them.

 ''I think this one’s on you,buddy.'' Benny  tapped him on his left shoulder. Dean gave a silly smile,just as he noticed a pair of eyes on his body. Other guys did too.

 ''Aw,I think you’re being checked out.'' Whistling,Ash pointed out at the person standing near their own table. Dean just let out a snort. ''Come on,he's drooling over there.'',Ash said and snorted,nudging his hand.

 That was true. Blue-eyed blonde stranger was checking him out with a flattering intensity. Also,he may or may not remind Dean of Cas. And where would Dean's manners be if he didn't reciprocate with his usual flirty smile and a seducing wink?  He knew what impact he had on people,managing to leave women and sometimes even men blushing.

 ''Will you go to him or you're just going to play hard to get?'' Victor joined Ash. ''Eye-sex is getting uncomfortable here.''

 ''Let me think...'' Dean began thoughtfully while resting a finger on his chin ''He could wait few more minutes for my company.''

 ''Get your head out of the clouds,jerk.'' Benny hit the back of head without any roughness. ''And if you wanna get laid – you have our blessing.''

 Dean saluted and got up. His admirer was now standing at the bar,ordering a drink. ''Is it just me or it's getting hot in here?'' Dean grinned,coming closer. Blue-eyed stranger snorted,then gave a flirty smile.

 ''Oh,yeah,could use some fresh air. Mind helping me get out? I'm kinda dizzy.''

 Dean always liked the forward ones. His hair was already sticking to his forehead. Looking around,he took a sip of his fancy blue drink. Short man,probably the owner of the place,Gabriel (was it?) asked Dean if he would like to drink anything and Dean ordered a whiskey. He drank it in one motion.

 ''Of course,'' Dean immediately stood up and placed a hand on the other man's hip, _accidentally_ moving a hand across his ass. The man smiled,his eyes sparking mischievously. _Cas' eyes were more blue,_ he thought. Why was he comparing Cas to this guy? This was really mood-killing,so much that Dean might turn around and lose his chance of getting laid tonight. ''Right now?''

 ''Why wait?'',the guy asked,leaning into Dean’s touch. ''Jesse,by the way.'' It took Dean some time to figure out what did the dude just say. _Jesse_ was a fine piece of ass,and it looked like he wouldn't mind some Winchester handling.

 ''I'm Dean.'' he replied while they were walking through the crowd. He waved at his friends from the door and they were out. Dean didn't feel like taking them to his apartment or pay a hotel,so the Impala would do. He didn't do that often,fearing of his baby getting dirty. But this time he was desperate enough not to think about that. Dean grabbed Jesse's arm and pulled him in for an open-mouthed kiss. The guy used way too much tongue and Dean suddenly felt less turned on. He was grabbing at Dean, leaving him confused and unsure what to do with his own hands. Dean missed the way Cas would cup his face tenderly and ghost his lips over Dean's neck,cheeks and lips. He should really get his shit together,Cas wasn't here and there is one big possibility that they won't meet anytime soon.

 Jesse was the first one to pull away,though there was lust in his eyes that Dean couldn't respond to. ''Already feelin'  much better,'' he whispered in Dean's ear,and it just seemed _wrong._ _But hey,he was already there._

 ''My car's right there.'' Although Dean wasn't planning on riding the car just yet .''How does the backseat sound?'' 

 ''Fine with me.'' Jesse or James said - Dean wasn't so sure anymore,as he nipped at his earlobe,and Dean slipped out,heading to the car. He didn't look back,but was sure that the guy was following.

 He pressed Dean on the car for one more sloppy kiss before he got in. Dean felt an erection by his hip,and the back of his neck kept prickling,leaving him uneasy. He slid inside Jesse (or who gives fuck what else) and didn’t even bother with a longer preparation. Jesse took his shirt off,but Dean was fully clothed. He previously had to stroke it few times,having no other choice but to imagine how Cas was underneath him. How his messy dark hair would tickle his nose,and surprisingly soft hands fondle his own. Jesse came before him,moaning too loud and probably the whole parking lot knew what were they up to. Like a rocking car wasn't enough. He was lucky no one didn't call the police.

 Dean had to keep thrusting,nowhere near the relief he was hoping for to get lost in. Even when it flood over him he didn't feel drunk on it as usual. Instead he just felt empty and spent.  Dean zipped up his jeans,while the other man tried to lit up a cigarette,now sitting next to him.

 ''Sorry dude,no smoking in the car.'' Dean wished to get rid of him as fast as he could. He was again nameless as Dean forgot his name approximately ten minutes after he first heard it. 

 The guy just raised his eyebrows,and placed unlit cigarette behind his ear. ''Fine. Er,thanks for the good time.'' ,he said with a small smile and got out. It was obviously just a one-night stand for him too,and Dean was happy because of it. He started his baby and got on the road,not bothering to say goodbye to the guys still in the bar. _We’ll talk tomorrow._

 Driving always helped him relax. This black Impala was the only thing that Dean could truly call his now. Ironically,it used to belong to his father. John gave it to him for his 21th birthday and Dean took care of it like the apple of his eye.

Dean waited for few more minutes at the backseat,sitting with his eyes closed. Being away from company and noise made him think. But,apparently,his brain now associated ‘thinking’ with ‘Cas’ exclusively. Just then it hit him how much that pretty hooker occupied his thoughts. _This can’t be healthy_. Fresh air that came through the window was ruffling his hair and it somehow made him calm. He remembered the way Cas pulled his fingers through his hair...this felt almost the same. How he whispered sweet encouragements into Dean's ear. Let out moans that made Dean thrust stronger and faster just to hear them again.And the images formed in his head after Cas said he prepared himself were disturbingly hot.

 Dean actually missed him. It was his eyes,so blue Dean would get lost in them while they rubbed against each other. Should he feel so needy? Castiel was a prostitute and Dean was probably one of his many customers. Maybe he fucked with Balthazar that night after Dean. That bastard and many others. It bothered him,made his blood boil. They always felt somehow exclusive,but Cas was probably giving the same treatment to every other _client._ Making them feel like they were a good lay and he was having hell of a good time. Last time they were together,Dean saw marks that bruised his soft skin. Marks left by many faceless strangers with rough hand and greedy mouth.

 It didn't chase Dean's lust away. It made him want to prove to Cas how good he was. His fucked up emotions made him act like an idiot every time he was around him. Once he almost apologized,but just mumbled a ''good night'' instead. Because Dean Winchester is a fucking coward,and he kept reassuring himself he didn't do anything wrong.

 They've met (and had sex) three times in total and every time Dean promised to himself _no more_ ,but he couldn't keep that promise. _You're such a sissy,Winchester._

 And he wasn't going to keep it this time either. It's just good sex,right? That costs money and pride,but at least orgasms make him forget about it. Forget about his crappy job and life. Forget about the disappointment he represents to his father and what a shitty friend and brother he is.

Dean realized he was parked in front of his apartment complex with the engine turned on. He turned it off and patted the steering wheel tenderly. Locking the Impala,he pulled out his keys and went inside,watching every step.

 As he got into his apartment,still thinking about Cas,an idea formed itself in his mind. A perfect solution. Quickly pulling out his phone,he searched for _Crowley's Angels Agency_ in his contacts. Not caring about the late hours,his drunkenness or dignity,Dean pressed the ‘call’ button.

 

                                                                                             ***

 

Crowley was sitting at his desk. Folders with papers,documents,pencils and what not were spread all over it. Visible surfaces were covered with a thick layer of dust that was a contrast to the dark wood of his desk. The office needed immediate cleaning. It was dark inside,very few rays of light were peeking through the satin curtains. Castiel felt suffocated and uneasy,like every time he was here.                                                                                         

 Fergus Crowley was a short man,in his fifties. Not what you’d call _hot_ or _handsome_ ,but not quite unattractive either. Dressed in an expensive suit with a rose in his jacket pocket,he smiled at Cas with calculating eyes.

 ''My favorite employee,'' he said as a greeting,gesticulating for Cas to sit on a chair in front of the desk. ''Glad you could make it.''

_Wouldn't miss it for the world_ ,he thought sarcastically. ''How flattering.'' Cas replied,voice flat. Leather of  the chair creaked as he squirmed,uncomfortable.

 ''Darling,you should be. My clients seem to be all over you. I'm telling you - the eyes.'' Crowley pointed at his eyes with a smirk,and Cas rolled them at that.

 ''Glad my services are profitable.'' he said bitterly. Crowley nodded in appreciation,all serious. ‘'So,the client I'm here for?'' Cas narrowed his eyes. ''And may I ask,what makes him special? If it's some dom-sub psycho again...You know I don't do that.''

 ''Oh,nothing like that. But it looks like that Gordon guy didn't appeal to your-''

 ''I have better things to do.''  _Not really._ ''If you don’t mind getting to the point.''

 ''I'm sure you do. So,the job. The name is Dean Winchester...''

 Cas flinched. ''Hell no. Call it off.''

 ''Let me finish'',Crowley raised his hand in a warning when Cas tried to speak again. ''He wants your meetings to be on regular basis,and he's paying five hundred per...meeting. The only thing he was strict about - here's where it gets interesting, '' he stopped theatrically for few seconds ''he doesn't want you having other clients. I personally think he's jelly,but it's not on me to question it.’’

 Cas wouldn't be able to take it - watching every step near Dean,beware of sneers and judging eyes. No matter how much he was attracted to him or how often he thought of him.                                                                                      

But why would Dean want regular meetings if he didn't feel the same? Cas not meeting other men could be interpreted as jealousy. Or he was afraid of  diseases Cas  _might_ bring. He almost laughed at that. Typical bias. But it was a more believable option than jealousy.

 ''Come on,'' Crowley winked. ''At least his limbs are still functioning properly.'' Cas didn’t respond. ''You really aren’t in a situation to complain. Dean Winchester is rich,young and normal looking from what I heard. Way better than most customers you or anyone else here has. Besides,you already know what's he like. Not to mention that the pay is phenomenal.''

It was all true. Dean really was the ideal customer. If he’d agree to meet Dean exclusively,Cas wouldn’t have to suffer any more creepers. And despite everything,he couldn’t deny that sex with Dean always felt very pleasurable. 

 ''Meetings?'' Cas finally asked.

 ''He said you two will work it out. My,my,you really clicked.'' Crowley formed apostrophes with his fingers around 'clicked'.

 ''I highly doubt it.'' Castiel never clicked with anyone,especially his clients. With his job,he never really got around some serious relationship,not even dating. Not that somebody would be interested in a person who sleeps around for living,so there's that. Gabriel would try to set him up with someone and it never got past the first date. Even if someone showed understanding for his job,Castiel still couldn’t let his guards down and let anyone inside his heart or head.

 ''Is that a 'yes' I hear?'' Cas just sighed at that.

 

 ( few hours later)

  
  
This time Cas knew exactly where he was going and was much calmer. At least he'll make sure Dean thinks so. Tonight,they need to agree about some details and Cas was supposed to confirm his consent. _Well,that should be easy_ ,he thought sarcastically. He would never admit it,but deep inside he was kind of excited. Because no matter how much he tried to hate Dean,he was attracted to him even more. Dean might be acting like an asshole sometimes,but Cas will only need to hear it on his way out,and he can take it.  
  
Cas rang the bell and put on his best poker-face when Dean appeared in front of him. "Hello,Dean." he said with reserved smile. He wasn't going to hang himself around Dean with glee on his face.  
  
"Hi." was his only reply,followed by his usual smirk that Cas imagined every night. Along with green eyes and beautifully sculptured body. He's make a great painting material. Cas almost smiled at that dreamily,but then remembered that Dean was standing right in front of him.  
  
"Are we going to discuss here or you'll let me in?"  
  
Dean raised his eyebrows and moved aside so Cas could walk in. Trying to look causal and indifferent about this,Cas put his hands in his pockets,and managed to pull a smirk himself. He was pleased with the results - a twitch of something in Dean's eyes that he imagined was lust. _This might even be amusing._  
  
Cas waited for Dean to lock the door and escort him to the living room,as he felt uncomfortable with going around by himself.  
Dean was dressed in worn jeans and a shirt with holes at the collar. Short,light brown hair was wet,probably from shower and Cas really shouldn't be so turned on by it. He wanted to pull his fingers through it,wipe the drop of water that was streaming down Dean's neck with his lips.

"Sorry,I didn't expect you to come this early so I took a shower." Dean explained,reaching for the towel that was folded on couch.  
  
"Oh,I don't mind." Cas grinned,because really,he didn't. It's better if he returns with the same measure than to feel vulnerable under Dean's sneer. _Attack is the best defense._  
  
Dean was stunned for a moment,mouth gaping,but then he collected himself,one side of his mouth twitching up. "How's your work going?"  
  
"Good,I guess. But clients can be pretentious dicks. As you know." Castiel can be an ass,too. And he still hasn’t forgotten Dean’s previous behavior.  
  
Dean seemed amused,but wasn't so jolly anymore. He sat down on the couch,and Cas did the same,though reluctantly. Other man now looked serious,elbows on his knees. He ducked down his head. "About that...sorry," Cas wanted to snort at nervousness of Dean's voice. Not so tough,after all. It was just his defense mechanism,just like Cas'.  
  
"Should we get to the business?'' Cas asked,and Dean was relieved. That little "sorry" was probably as far as he would go,but it still meant something. It’s not like that was the first time a client was being rude to him. That was a joke compared to some other stuff. And he’d actually gotten an apology. Even if it seemed directed at the light carpet rather then his face.  
  
"Sure. Payment? I was under impression that you like to be paid right after..."  
  
"You apologized literally twenty seconds ago. Don't ruin it."  
  
Dean laughed,throwing his head back. He raised his hands, surrendering. "You're right. But this is still very important.’’  
  
"The way you suggested it is fine. Only if you have other preferences..." A part of the money goes to Crowley,of course. But Cas way okay with that – he had more than enough money and didn’t exactly crave for more.  
  
"No,it's okay." Dean looked at his hands. ''I believe you already have my phone number,as I have yours. Our meetings won’t be scheduled,I’ll just inform you the day before or in the morning. – as we’ll probably never meet in daytime.'' That was also fine by him. It’s not like he ever does anything important. "What about the other part?"  
  
Cas knew what he was talking about,the other clients. Truth to be told,hell yeah he was fine with it. He'll get some rest,despite the lower wage. And probably spend some more time with Dean,which was also okay. "I can work with that." Cas licked his dry mouth. Dean's eyes followed the action and Cas bit his lower lip.  
  
It took him some time to look Cas in the eyes again,raising his gaze only when Cas broke the silence. ''If that’s all,I should probably…go.'' He got up,going for the door. Dean followed him,still suspiciously quiet.  
  
When Cas raised his hand to grab the door-handle,he felt a strong hand on it. Suddenly,he was spun around,pressed against the door. Dean was standing right there,trapping him. His eyes looked sharp, gaze once again pointed to his lips. After a moment of just sharing air,Dean pressed their lips together with almost painful hardness. Cas immediately kissed back,feeling Dean’s tongue violating his mouth. Warmth flood over his body as the other man put his hands on Cas' back and around his slender waist.  Dean chuckled when their noses bumped against each other,and Cas joined. They were both breathing hard when they separated.  
  
Dean’s hard,warm body was then gone,leaving Cas shivering and confused. ''Until next time,Castiel.''


	5. Chapter 5

 

CHAPTER  5

 

"Come in." Dick's raspy voice called out. Dean came into the office. It was a lot bigger than Dean's,and his was quite big. Dick was sitting in his leather chair,searching for some papers. He looked rather fancy in his dark blue suite. Cold,insincere smile spread across his narrow face when he raised his head and Dean gritted his teeth. Bastard never liked Dean and the feeling was very much mutual. Dick Roman was the kind of person who was painfully aware of his power and used it without a problem or shame. Dean often fought back,although never directly because that would get him fired in a matter of seconds. Not that he would mind,but his father definitely would. John always had a high opinion of his ex-work buddy. The press also liked him,though few of their jokes led them to court (‘Dick Rises’ was Dean's personal favorite).

"Good morning,Mr. Winchester. Started your day well?"  The tone of his voice said that he didn't really care,but Dean still answered with a nice,wide smile.

"Yeah,with a cup of black coffee." _And it was going fucking fine until you called for me._

"How is your father? I haven't seen him for a while." Dick asked  - this was his standard interrogation,probably out of boredom.

Dean really didn't feel like having a chat with Roman,so he ended it right off. "He is fine. You called about the meeting,I suppose?"

"Yes. Parker should be here soon. I just wanted to clear up some things with you. I spoke to John over the phone. " His small eyes glistered with something that Dean couldn’t put his finger on. He already knew what they talked about. John told him the same thing,but probably in a harsher tone. His father wanted Dean to take over their company’s new project. Since it was in partnership with the Parker’s it was of great importance for Dean to lead. _And steal the glory before Charles Parker’s eyes._ "John hinted that he’d like you to take over this project. Now,Parker probably has other plans. However,you have my full support to change that and take over. "

_And what about my wishes?_ he thought bitterly. But there was no room for that. His father was very clear about what was expected of him,and Dean wasn’t gonna disobey him. _"Make me proud for once,Dean._ ",John has said to him minutes ago. He couldn’t help but feel annoyed and a little hurt. But that’s how it always was with his father and he’s too old for whining anyway.

 After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence with his boss,someone knocked on the door. After Dick’s  acknowledgment,old Charles Parker and three other men walked inside. Balthazar fucking Anderson was there too and Dean immediately tensed. Polite greetings were spoken,fake smiles exchanged and Dean truly gave his best. He mostly stayed out of small-talk,only mumbling a few questions and short answers. They quickly came to business,though. Most of the conversation was led by Dick and Charles,as Dean faked a smile at Balthazar and the others. Collaboration of two firms was accepted by both parts. Even Dean had a positive feeling about the project. Soon they came to the topic that Dean was silently dreading.

 "Now for our project manager…",Dick started with a knowing smile.

 "I am delighted by everything. And it would be an honor to take over this. ",gushed Charles.

 Now it was time to step up. "With all due respect,Mr.Parker,I would like to voluntarily take over the project. " Dean gave what he hoped was a charming smile.

 Poor Charles looked confused. "But we thought that it was already decide-"

 "I know,Mr.Parker. And I truly apologize for this. "

 Dick stepped in to help. "You see,our Dean has been in the company for a few years and this would be his first big project. I’m sure it’d mean a lot to him. To John,too. As I am sure he will do a terrific job. And Dean is much younger and certainly more suitable,don’t you think? "

 "I suppose you are right. Dear boy,I guess it’s your time to show your capability. "

 "Gentlemen,thank you very much. And Charles,I’m sure you would have done a great job yourself. "

 "It’s not like this is the first time you took something from Mr.Parker. Isn’t it,Mr.Winchester? " Balthazar was looking at him with bright,calculating eyes. His tone didn’t sound angry though,just mocking. And maybe a little bitter.

 What the fuck was wrong with this dude? It was getting pathetic. Dean knew exactly what he was talking about. Balthazar couldn't take some healthy competition. Although there was no competition,Cas was with Dean. _Not really,_ he corrected himself. He could easily be Balthazar’s in no time. Now Dean smiled so wide his gums were visible. It was a silent 'fuck you'. "I would never,Mr.Anderson. "

 "So that's settled." Dick stated and eyed them both suspiciously.

 He was seeing red wherever he looked. Fury blurred his sight,as he tried to calm is breathing. Plan was to visit Charlie on his way back,but she will start asking questions when she sees him,and he might break something while explaining. Balthazar didn't to anything particular,but his bare presence made Dean pissed. So what? He'll fuck whoever the hell he wants and there's nothing Balthazar can do about it. He got out of there as quickly as he could,not being able to look at Balthazar’s idiotic,yet attractive face anymore.

 He pulled out his phone,searching for Cas’ number. Dean typed in _Tonight at 8. Be there,_ putting too much force into it. Dean Winchester will prove his fucking point tonight.

 

                                                                                     ***

 

They fell on the sheets,as Cas gave one last moan,dropping his head on the pillow. Cas was feeling pretty good in general. It was already their fifth "official" meeting and he really started enjoying his time with Dean more and more. He was looking forward to it every week. Their sex was great and Dean’s behavior improved significantly.

 This time,though,it was different. He noticed it as soon as he walked in the room. Dean was tense and impatient. He almost ripped Cas’ shirt off as he threw him on the bed. And this time,Dean took him from behind,directing all of his anger in hard thrusts inside his ass,squeezing Cas' shoulder and hips until they was numb with pain. Cas didn't complain,just shut his eyes at the sharp stabs. He didn’t even kiss him once. Only time Cas tried to kiss him,he didn't reciprocate and refused to part his lips. Despite that,Cas came hard like always. Dean was at distant end of his king-sized bed,far away from Cas. He just didn't feel like Dean tonight. Dean - who would make those few hours all about their entwined limbs.

 "Is everything okay?" Cas asked,moving closer to Dean,whose head was turned away from him. He moved his lips down his shoulder,but Dean stayed unresponsive.

 "Yes." Dean answered shortly,coldness of his voice made Cas shift uncomfortably.

 From the way he said that,Cas knew that something was wrong. "Dean,are you alright?"

 "Just drop it,Cas." ,he said,yanking away from Cas' touch. Dean got up and took a clean pair of boxers from a drawer. Quickly putting them on and hiding his manhood,he stood in front of the window,rubbing his tired eyes.

 Cas just laid there,facing him. The sheets felt so cold under him. "Dean..."

 "It's none of your fucking business!",Dean yelled at him,his broad shoulder shaking slightly. Castiel froze. He stopped breathing,looking straight at Dean's furious eyes. He opened his mouth,although he didn't know what to say. "And don’t look at me like that. "

 Maybe _he_ did something wrong. And Cas thought things were going good. Dean turned his back on him again. Cas wondered what’s bothering him. "I know I’m not the ideal company,but maybe you’d feel better if you spok-"

 "Christ! Cas,why are you still here? Just get out! " His voice was now even louder and more furious.

 "I was just worried about about you…" They way Dean spoke to him hurt. Cas hoped that by now they had managed to form some sort of a bond,if not a friendship.

 "I don’t need your fucking pity. " Castiel’s response seems to have angered him even more. "You’re just my hooker,not my fucking parent. I’d like you to leave now. "

 Cas felt like he was being punched. But he also didn’t need to be told thrice. Search for his clothes took only a few tense seconds. He hurled out of the apartment with shirt in his hands. Money was lying at Dean's table,forgotten. Fuck the money. And fuck Dean,too.

He heard Dean calling his name,but he wasn't going to turn around,he was already two floors down. Because Castiel still had some dignity left.

 

                                                                              ***

 

Dean Winchester was feeling nervous as hell. Castiel was late. Maybe he’s not gonna come. _And if he doesn’t it will all be your fault_ ,a little voice inside his head whispered. No matter how much it pains him to admit,it was right. It was all Dean’s fault. He shouldn’t have yelled at him like that. Cas was actually trying to be nice. Dean could still see the hurt look on his beautiful face when he said all that stuff last night and a dark bruise on his soft skin from Dean’s tight grip. As soon as he walked out of that door,anger left him. He wanted to run after him,say that he was sorry – but just couldn’t get his damn legs to move. Dean needs to learn how to stop lashing out on innocent people.

 His couch felt somewhat uncomfortable under him,as he rested his heavy legs on the expensive table. The TV was currently showing some lame-ass reality show,but Dean didn’t feel like getting up to take the remote and change it. He raised his right hand to rub his face. His head was really starting to hurt.

 Dean stood up with the intention to pour himself a drink,but a sound from the door changed his plans. Someone was persistent  - the knocking was hard,quick and constant. When he opened the door,Cas stumbled right in without a word. Dean could smell the hard scent of alcohol in the air that he was pretty sure wasn’t his. _Not yet,at least._ It was Cas - his hair was a nest more than usual,and his eyes were blinking sleepily.

 "Cas?" he asked,eying up his clothes. He had some old sweatpants and a hoodie on. Dean had nothing but black sweatpants on himself,and didn't really mind it. But there was something wrong. _Maybe the way you treated him yesterday,dumbass._

 Then Cas started laughing. "Hello,Dean." he said when he managed to stop shaking with laughter. "Not very professional of me,huh?" _Which part?_ Dean wanted to ask.

"What the hell? Where were you?" Maybe Dean was an ass,but this is just plain rude. _I should probably send him home._

 "At some bar. Hm,I was under an impression that you called for fucking session?" Cas smiled,yet his eyes looked empty. He came closer to Dean,leaning in for a kiss.

 "Absolutely not. I don’t want you like that. " Dean pushed him away gently.

 Like that comment suddenly sobered him up,Cas looked away. "Nobody ever does." His eyes were glassy when he returned his gaze to Dean. "Nobody wants Castiel. Just my fucking ass. Hell,you don’t even want that. "

 "No,Cas..." Dean was hit by a sudden need to comfort him,to tell him it's okay. _What the hell is he talking about?_ Dean always assumed Cas’ life wasn’t ideal. Considering the fact that he worked as a hooker,how good could his life even be? Still,he didn’t want to have this conversation with him now. Cas obviously needed help,and Dean wasn’t sure that he was the right person to give it to him. When talking about self-loathing,Dean is an expert.

 But Dean is still nice enough not to attack Cas in this state. Something was definitely wrong. "Is everything alright?" ,Dean asked,placing his hands on Cas' shoulders.

 "Funny,I asked you the same thing...and then you kicked me out." Cas looked down.

 Dean winced. "I'm sorry Cas. I really am." he whispered. _Dear God_. Dean desperately hoped that Castiel’s current state wasn’t his fault.

 "I should've just died with them." Cas let out a choking noise. "You think they would want this for me?" He was crying again and Dean didn’t understand a thing.

 "Who,Cas? What are you talking about? " The thought of something bad happening to Cas hurt him more than he’d like to admit.

 "You know,she never really loved me. I always knew that. I was just a bother. Still am. " Tears and words didn’t seem to stop. The alcohol hampered Dean’s nose – it smelled like whiskey.

 "Cas,who is ‘she’? Maybe you should sit down for a little while. " He might as well hear Castiel’s life story tonight.

 "My mom. She didn’t want me. I’m not sure that even dad did." Still not sitting down.

 Dean was at loss of words,he didn't know what to do. So he just pulled Cas in an embrace and rested his chin on the base of Cas' neck. "Then they’re just stupid,you hear me? " Dean honestly didn’t understand how someone wouldn’t want Cas.

 Cas sighed and hid his face in Dean’s neck. He could feel the salty wetness spreading on his neck,soaking his black T-shirt. "And now they’re dead. I should've just died with them. " Cas continued his babbling. Dean couldn't understand his words mixed with sobs. He circled his back with soft touches. Moving slowly,Dean sat them down – Cas almost sitting on his lap.

 "Now listen to me. I have no idea what you are talking about. And you’ll probably regret this when you’re sober. But don’t ever say that about yourself. ",his voice sounding rough at the last words. He didn’t understand anything,but didn’t want to take advantage of Castiel’s state. He’ll ask him when he’s back to normal.

 "But it hurts. ",Cas whispered,sounding so small and vulnerable,like a little child.

 "Hey,look at me." Dean took his chin between his fingers,forcing blue eyes to focus on green ones. What should he do now? With nothing else coming to mind,he placed his lips on Cas'. Salty taste of tears played on his own dry ones. Cas didn't move at first,and he didn't try to part his mouth. Instead of deepening the kiss,Dean just planted small pecks all over Cas' wet face. His hand were still around him,now stroking Castiel’s stomach.

 Cas leaned his forehead on Dean's and sighed deep. "I know it doesn't mean anything to you…"

 "You're wrong." Dean whispered after few seconds. He wasn't sure about that. Now he was past the point of pretending that Cas didn’t affect him in any way. Dean wasn’t sure he was ready for this.

 Castiel was wrapped completely around him,as Dean helped him stand up. "Let’s get you to bed,okay?" He was trying his best to be gentle,yet strong – Cas couldn’t really walk without his help.  They laid down on the bed,still not breaking the embrace. Dean pulled the covers over their entwined bodies. Castiel’s head was resting in the crook between his neck,tickling the sensitive skin with his breath.Dean moved his fingers down his partner’s arm in a calming manner,placing a small kiss on his forehead.

 Cas murmured something that sounded like "I miss them". Before Dean could ask about it,Cas' breathing calmed down and sobs turned into quiet snorts. It made Dean's lips twitch up as he nuzzled his nose against the messy hair,squeezing Castiel even tighter.


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

 

CHAPTER 6

 

A strong headache woke Castiel up. He groaned,opening his eyes. Blurry vision didn't allow to orient himself at first,so he had to blink a few times. It wasn't home,but the interior wasn't unfamiliar - king-sized bed and silky navy sheets. Steady heartbeats under his head made him jerk his head up. Dean Winchester was sleeping tight under his own not-so-heavy figure. His hand was protectively splayed over Cas' back,their legs tangled up.

 Memories of last night hit him hard,shortly followed by a feeling of embarrassment and sadness. What’s Dean gonna think of him now? Cas won’t blame him if he decides to fire his sorry ass. Still,it was a hard night for him,too. Before he even got to Dean’s place,Cas had tried to sleep in the cold unwelcoming bed of his home, giving his best to hold back the tears. And when that didn’t work out,he went out and got himself as drunk as he never was before. Remembering anything else made his headache even worse.

 Castiel dropped his head back on Dean's naked chest. His skin prickled as he lined up every possible scenario in his head,squirming. Dean winced then,and Cas thought he was awake but then he continued snoring,mouth half-open. It made Cas smile,although it was barely there when he remembered being kicked out of the very same bed. _He proved himself enough_ ,a part of his mind reminded him. He couldn’t really deny that – Cas owed Dean a lot after last night. _Just don’t ruin it all when you wake up_ ,Cas silently begged Dean’s sleeping form. He was starting to feel something almost like fondness for Dean. If Cas was anyone else - a person with a better life and a safer state of mind,Dean would actually be the kind of guy he’d fall for. But looking at everything now,Castiel knew he didn’t have a chance. Dean was the one to remind him that - _"You’re just my hooker and I’d like you to leave now._ _"_

 Cas decided to ignore these facts and let himself enjoy the moment. Warmth of naked skin was pleasant,and he nestled even closer to the other body,nuzzling against it. After just watching and drinking in the view,he couldn't resist outlines of Dean's muscles,so he slowly dragged trembling fingers over the abdomen. He started drawing shapes over it and Dean sighed in his sleep. Hand explored every inch of the other man's chest and shoulders, muscles tensing beneath its touch. Cas kissed the place above Dean's left nipple,and felt it harden against his chin. Then he darted all the way up Dean's neck,planting a chaste kiss just under his jaw. Stubble tickled his nose and he was about to nip at the sensitive skin of Dean's neck when the hand around his back gripped tighter. Cas startled,caught in the act, and looked up - Dean blinked and returned the look with a small smile on his face. It wasn't hard to admit that Dean Winchester in the morning was probably the most adorable thing Cas has ever seen. He managed to twitch his lips up in response,ducking down for another kiss on the collarbone. Dean didn't move away from his touch and Cas took it as a good sign. They were silent at first,only sound coming from Cas' lips and Dean's heavy breathing.

 Dean was the first to break the silence. "Good mornin’." he murmured and pulled his other hand,that was resting on the pillow beside his head,through Cas' hair. The strong hand on his back pushed him up so he was laying on top and over Dean’s body. Their lips were only an inch away from each other and his partner closed that distance with a brief peck of lips. "How are you feeling?"

 "My head is killing me.'' he admitted,clearing his throat. "Other than that,it’s fine..I guess."

 This was not in the job’s description,unless specifically asked for. Cas didn't do cuddling often. Never,actually.  It was an unfamiliar territory for him. Therefore his movements were reluctant as he was unsure what to do next,and whether is Dean going to respond to it in the same way. Cas kept waiting to be pushed away,but it didn't happen - not yet. Lately he just didn't know what to expect and was caught off-guard quite amount of times.

 "That's expected. You were really drunk last night." Dean paused. "What was all that about?" It was asked in a hesitant tone,voice still rough from sleep.

 "It was just a really bad night,honestly. " He wasn’t sure if he was ready for an open heart-to-heart conversation just yet.

 "I understand that. And I’m not pushing for anything,but Cas… I think you owe me,at least,an explanation." And he was right,Cas knew that.

 He was in a bad place last night. "Um,I know and I am very sorry. It’s just that last nigh was,um…",his voice sounded muffled and _broken._ Castiel always did have a problem talking about this to other people. "It was the anniversary of my family’s death."

 Dean just looked at him with a small frown on his smooth face. "I’m sorry.",he whispered.

 "Yeah,me too." He got used to that feeling by now. "It’s been 15 years." Fifteen fucking years and Cas still woke up with nightmares and whimpers. "It was a car accident. My parents and my brother and sister were hit by a truck. The driver was drunk and he lost control over the vehicle. " Cas wasn’t with them that night. He was having a sleep-over at a friend’s house,watching Spider-man and eating candy. How many times has he wished he’d been with them,instead.

 If Dean felt the shivers that were ripping Cas’ body,he didn’t comment on it. He just kept stroking his back and hair,not saying a word. Those touches were a better comfort than any condolences he could have offered. "I’m sorry. " Castiel didn’t really know what he was apologizing for.

 "It’s all fine. ",Dean assured him. "It’s all gonna be fine,I promise." Cas answered by turning to him and placing their lips together once again. "Do you want to talk about it?"

 Castiel shook his head. Gripping Dean tighter,he wrapped himself around him like an octopus and Dean welcomed him with open,gentle arms. Their kiss was slow,comforting - they never kissed like that before. Dean caressed the small of his back,pulling his hand underneath Cas' hoodie and feeling the tender skin.

 After few long minutes,Dean pulled away. "Shit," he blurted and looked around,panicked. He gently pushed at Cas' shoulder as he took the hint,rolling off Dean. The other man extended his hand to reach for the clock on table beside the bed,cursing under his breath. He almost fell when he tried to stand up,rushing across the room and Cas heard "I'm late" somewhere along the way. He took some clothes from his closet,and went to the bathroom that was connected to his bedroom ,all in rapid, uncoordinated movements. _Probably for work_ ,Cas concluded. Despite his bad mood and sadness,Castiel could feel himself smile. He shouldn't be so amused by the whole situation though,since it was probably his fault.

 Cas was standing beside the bed,when Dean came back in with pants and half-buttoned shirt on. He was red in the face,and Cas barely suppressed a laugh. "I really have to go,but you can stay if you want..." he said,buttoning his shirt to the top and looking up at Cas sheepishly. Cas immediately wanted to say yes,but that wouldn't be very appropriate. Being at home and _alone_ was gonna be hard,but what other choice does he have?

 "No,I have to be somewhere,as well.", he said and casually put hands in his pockets. "But thanks. Really. For everything."

 "Oh,okay," Dean nodded,and for a moment it looked like he wanted to add something. But he just left the room hurriedly,and Cas followed. Dean fumbled with some papers on his living room desk,taking a sip of black coffee from his mug. He turned to Cas and smiled. There were crinkles by his eyes,that would only appear when he smiled,Cas noticed fondly.

 "Want some?" he asked,pointing at his coffee mug. Cas shook his head. He didn't like coffee.

 "I should go." Cas said and slowly headed to the door. He heard steps behind him when he stepped outside. Was it a good idea? Probably not. He still moved closer to Dean,and hesitantly connected his lips to Dean’s cheek.  The other man stilled,following Cas' lips with stunned eyes. The expression of his face was unreadable,and Cas hoped that he didn’t cross any boundaries. This was probably the most innocent thing ever exchanged between them,but it felt more personal.  "Once again,thanks for everything." ,Cas added,thinking of comfort Dean gave him.

 Not waiting for an answer,he turned and walked down the hall,hands still in pockets of his sweatpants. Maybe he just imagined it,but he caught a glimpse of smile on Dean's face.

 

                                                                                     ***

 

"So,I told him that he and his Mercedes can go fuck themselves. I don’t think he’s gonna come back anytime soon. ",Benny finished with a throaty laugh,drinking more of his beer.

 They were sitting on those high chairs that Dean usually avoided,but all the normal tables were taken. Dean got out of work early since it was Friday. He could use a break,and it seemed like Benny could,too. It’s been a while since they hung out alone. They came to Trickster again. It was a nice,cosy place – not too loud or crowded,yet on a good voice. Plus,the beer was pretty damn good here.

 "I wouldn’t mess with you,Benny,I’ll give you that." His friend worked as a mechanic. Even though he was happy with his job,every once in a while a douchebag would come and make Benny lose his temper.

 "You couldn’t even if you wanted to.",Benny teased back. And Dean secretly agreed. Benny is as nice as a person can get,but the dude’s built like a mountain - with  muscular,hard back and enormous paws. "Anything new you would like to share with me?"

 "Nah," Dean spun around his glass on the bar surface. "Got some project at the company,so I'm pretty busy." Honestly,it wasn’t too bad. Sure it was boring as hell,and Charles and Dick became regulars in his office,but other than that – Dean was actually enjoying himself _. For the first time since he came to Sandover._ "I even volunteered for this one."

 Benny snorted. "What possessed you to do so?"

 "My loving father,what else? " John was very pleased with his son. Even though he didn’t say it out loud,of course,Dean knew his father was satisfied with this turn of events.

 "Yeah,I assumed. I don’t think you’ll screw it up too much."

 "Gee,thanks Benny for believin’ in me so much." He felt those strong hands patting him on the back.

 "Ya know,brother…." But Dean wasn’t listening anymore because the door of the bar opened. He almost knocked his goddamn glass over,as familiar messy hair advanced through the crowd. Dean swiftly turned his head back. _Maybe it wasn't him_ ,he tried to assure himself. But there was no point in pretending,of course it was Castiel. The bartender appeared behind the bar with a "Cassie!" ringing through the room. _Cassie?_ He could see Cas rolling his eyes at that. Since they were standing nearby,Dean could clearly hear most of the conversation. 

 "Hey,Gabe."  Cas was smiling like Dean has never seen him before. _What the hell is he looking for here?_

 Someone shook Dean by his shoulder and he startled. "Are you okay?" Benny asked and frowned.

 "Yeah,yeah,why don't you order us another one?" he said,pointing at their almost empty glasses,and then turned around in Cas' direction again,feeling dizzy.

 "I think it's time for me to get going," Benny pressed his lips together and got up on his feet. Dean tried stopping him when he left a ten-dollar bill. "This one’s on me. You sure you’ll be fine,buddy?"

 "No worries,dude. I’m a big boy." Dean winked at his best friend,giving him a brief hug and a tap on the back.

 "Send me a text when you get home,would ya?" Benny truly was a good friend,and Dean was thankful for that. But right now he had other concerns. Cas was still talking to that bartender,Gabe. It looked like they were pretty close - their heads just a short distance away,smiling at each other too brightly. 

 Dean and Cas had an agreement about no other customers,but what if he wasn’t just a customer? What if they were together? Dean didn’t like the sound of that,but he really didn’t have a say. It bothered him,though. He could still remember that night when Cas came drunk to him,his sobs and the warmth of his body in the morning. Castiel seemed pretty into Dean that time,kissing and clinging to him desperately. He would often remind himself that Cas was just a hooker,but it didn't work anymore. Hooker or no hooker,Cas was still a person with feelings. _A pretty damn complicated person_ ,his brain complained. But Cas' life obviously wasn't something to wish for,and Dean could only imagine what he went through.

 "How you doin'?" Gabe asked,fiddling with some straws,and Cas just shrugged.

 "You know…" Cas pulled his fingers through the dark hair. _He did that a lot_ ,Dean noticed. It was probably so messy because of that quirk of his.

 "Intervention needed?" Gabriel narrowed his eyes,and Cas snorted.

 "No,your impressive skills aren't needed yet."

 "Oh,you’d know all about my ‘impressive skills’." He winked at Cas,now wiping an empty glass until it was dry and ready for re-filing. That all sounded like flirting to Dean.

 "For a hundredth time,I love you too."

 Dean fucking winced at that. _What the actual fuck?_ Fleetwood Mac’s "Go Your Own Way" was playing in the background,and he had to fight the sudden and worrying urge to sing it out loud and directly to Cas. Instead,Dean decided to order another drink,preventing himself from doing something stupid. And Castiel still hasn’t noticed him. He didn’t notice much of anything,beside his loud companion.

 Just then,Cas got up."I'm back in a minute," he murmured to Gabe,who hit him on his ass with a rag. He laughed and yelled out "Fuck you!" only for the bartender to answer "You wish".

 Taking a deep breath,Dean lifted his hand up,and Gabriel noticed it after few seconds. "What can I get for you?" he asked and turned around with a smile,both hands on the table.

 "Another beer,thanks. " He just hoped he didn’t sound mad or hurt,because that would be pathetic.

 "You've been here not so long ago,haven't you?" Gabe tried to start a small talk.

 "Yeah,with some friends.",Dean replied,his tone ice-cold. They were probably hard to miss,being so loud and Ash just being Ash.

 "Oh,I remember you guys. Quite some blonde you picked up. His eyes were dreamy." And it seems that lately everyone know with whom Dean hooks up.

 "It wasn't his his only attribute." he smirked,and Gabriel whistled with raised eyebrows. Not waiting for his comment,Dean continued "Some boy-toy you got there yourself."

 "Who?" Gabriel frowned,and Dean had to cock his head in direction where Cas disappeared. He straightened up at that,eyes not looking so kind anymore. "Cas isn't my boy-toy."

 "Then how do you call it?"

 "I’ll tell you one thing. It’s probably far more serious than anything you’ve ever had." With those harsh words he left Dean to drink alone,and got back to his previous guest. _Fuck,they’re dating._

 Suddenly,Dean felt much worse than he did before. He didn’t need some douche telling him shit like that and judging him – he gets plenty of that at home. And he definitely didn’t need to see Cas being with someone else. It was getting too hot in the room,and the feeling of wanting to hit something only growed stronger. Finishing his beer,Dean got up with the intention of leaving. There was nothing here for him anymore. Apparently Cas got back from the bathroom,because Gabriel asked "You have any plans for tonight? You could stop by my place…"

 It was more than enough for Dean,as he walked out,slamming the glass door.

 

                                                                                      ***

 

 

Castiel wasn’t happy with this turn of events. He got a message from Dean,demanding to come right now,and ruining his plans with Gabriel. But they didn’t agree on meeting tonight. Plus,Dean was supposed to tell him that hours before,not rudely demand for him to come in the exact same minute. He’s probably gonna be in a bad mood,too. Either way,Cas’ night was ruined.

 It didn’t take too long for Dean to open the door. He looked relaxed,with a wide smile on his face. But Cas spent enough time with him to see it didn't touch his eyes.

 "Hey,Cassie." Dean cheered. His voice sounded suspiciously jolly and also very fake. Cas just narrowed his eyes. From where did that ‘Cassie’ came from? Nobody calls him Cassie except his friend Gabriel. He saw muscles on Dean's face twitch as he passed by him. Their shoulders bumped against each other,both of them walking down the hall. Cas was silent,he didn't really know what to say. 

 "So,how's Gabriel doing?" Dean asked when they reached living room,still sounding cheerful.

 "What?" Cas jerked,and looked at Dean. The expression of his face gave out nothing,he just casually hung fingers through the belt loops of his jeans. After few seconds of staring,he just raised his eyebrows. _Okay,so Dean definitely knew about Gabriel._ The question is how. And why.

 "Oh,I’m sorry. Am I not allowed to ask about your boyfriend?" Now Cas didn’t understand a thing. _Boyfriend?_

 "What boyfriend? ",Cas repeated,confused. What is wrong with Dean tonight?

 "You have more of them? Wow,Cas,how do you manage it all?",he mocked him,clenching his strong jaw. Now Dean sounded angry.

 "I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. How much have you been drinking? It’s probably for the best if I just go-" Castiel was already turning around,ready to leave,but a quick hand grabbed his wrist and yanked him back.

 "You can’t walk out on me now. Tell me more about your boyfriend. Or if there’s more than one. How does Gabe feel about you being fucked by other men? " Dean never took his intense gaze off him. Cas’ hand was trapped between their flushed bodies. He could feel Dean’s heartbeat going wild under it.

 "Gabriel is not my boyfriend. And neither is anyone else.",Cas now raised his own voice,struggling against the other man’s grip. "Not that this is any of you business."

 "Damn straight it isn’t! We had a deal. " Cas managed to free his hand,as he took a step back away from a newly very angry Dean Winchester.

 "I know that and I respect that. But this has nothing to do with our deal!" How dares Dean act like this? Now,this was just sad. He was so different from last time – now yelling and insulting,instead of caressing and comforting. Cas was just so tired of all this. So tired of not knowing what Dean is feeling or thinking. So tired of being a victim of Dean’s messed up feelings. So tired of everyone blaming him for things he didn’t have an influence on.

 Dean’s face was red,green eyes burning with unspoken anger. "You fucking around has eve-"

 "I am not fucking around with anyone,Dean. And even if I was – that’s none of your damn business! I promised you no more other customers. But you don’t get to decide what or whom I do in my free time. You hired me,Dean. You didn’t buy me!"

 "I thoug-"

 "What were you thinking,Dean? " It was too hot in the room,Cas needed more air. Tears probably found their way to his face,but he’s not gonna let them spill. Not tonight,and not because of Dean. "I am so tired of you yelling at me and hurting me,when I have never wronged you. Not once."

 Castiel allowed his gaze to stick on Dean’s face,whose expression was changed now. He didn’t seem angry anymore,just confused and completely silent.

 "Forget about the deal. Forget about everything." Cas pressed his hand on his forehead and sighed. He just needed to get out of here and away from Dean.

 "Cas,wait-" Dean stepped closer,reaching for his shoulder. Cas just moved from his touch,pushing other man's hand away. The smartest thing would be to go before he changed his mind once again. "Cas,I’m so sor-"

 "No. I've had enough,okay?" Cas didn't remember how he got to the apartment door,or the street. Either way,it was hard.


	7. Chapter 7

 

CHAPTER 7

 

His palms were sweating,heart beating a little faster. _Don't be stupid_ ,Dean scolded himself. It really was stupid,but he couldn't help it. His legs were starting to hurt from so much pacing – from the bed to the window,then back again. The sun was now hiding behind turbid clouds,leaving him in the dark of his impersonal room. Dean hated weather like this, it somehow made his mood even worse. But he deserved it all - feeling like the shit he really is.

It's been five fucking days since Cas stormed out of apartment with no goodbye,slamming the door. Five days without his gruffy voice and deep blue eyes. Dean tried to contact him so many times. He called and texted him,sometimes even left apologetic voice-mails. Every single one was unresponded.

_Now man up and get this over with._ Overtaken by a wave of bravery,he picked his phone up and quickly dialled the needed number. He could feel the beating of his heart match the tapping of the rain against his window.

 "Hey!" A sudden,jolly voice burst and Dean had to move his phone away.

"Hey,Sammy." Dean's voice was hoarse from alcohol he was drowning in past few days. How did he keep screwing things up? But he was sober now,at least.

"Haven't heard from you in a while." Sam said,and Dean could heard Jess' voice from the other line "How are you doing? Dean,hang on a second,Jess is just leaving." A few murmured words were exchanged,then the door creaked. "I’m back."

"Alright. How are things?"

"It’s all good. I’m doing some papers for work tomorrow,while Jess is going out with her girlfriends."

"Aw,you’re so whipped,Sammy. Waiting at home like a good little housewife. Are you gonna make dinner,too?"

"Housewives don’t usually have jobs,Dean.",Sam corrected in his usual ‘You’re an idiot’ tone. "And there’s nothing wrong with staying at home from time to time. Anyway,how are you?"

" 'm fine,Sam." He was telling an obvious lie,and his brother will probably sense that. Changing his position,Dean laid himself on the soft sheets,burying his head in the pillow he knew Cas usually slept on. _Not pathetic at all._

"Really?" Dean could practically see Sam making a face,and he groaned. "What is it,work again?"

_I wish._ "No,work's fine." Surprisingly,previous events didn't influence his behavior at work. And if anyone noticed the dark circles around his eyes or the constant pitiful expression on his face,they didn’t say a word. And Dean was grateful for that.

"Well,it’s certainly not Dad. ",Sam snorted. "He’s been walking around like a freakin’ peacock,telling everyone about your project. Good job,by the way." His father's approval made Dean pleased more than he would ever admit. And maybe it made him a pussy,but it mattered to him. It’s the first time John ever truly supported something that Dean was involved in. "Is it a girl,then?" ,his brother asked suspiciously and probably jokingly,but Dean didn't catch that part.

"Sam..." he whined and sat up. Thank God it was weekend,because Dean was truly depressed.

"It is? I knew it!" Sam exclaimed,and Dean kinda felt like punching him. "So,who is breaking my big brother's heart?"

"Cas," it escaped his lips before he could stop it. "Fuck. Nobody is breaking my heart."

"Cas? As in...Cassie?"

"What? No!" Of course his brother thought of Cassie,Dean didn't act like this since her. That story had been over even before it started properly. On his father’s demand,Dean broke up with her and moved on. Still,she stayed ,until this day,the only person he let himself truly be with and love.

"Oh,okay." Sam let out a relieved breath. "So..?" Dean never hid the fact that he enjoys both sexes from his brother,but they never spent time on actually discussing it. He knew his brother wouldn’t mind. But talking about Cas with Sam,with _anyone_ ,just felt wrong. Dean wanted to keep that to himself.

"Just drop it,Sam." he sighed and pulled hand over his face.

"Um,Dean. I’m glad that you called,I really I am. But,why did you?",his brother sounded rather awkward,and even without seeing him,Dean knew he was rubbing a side of his neck. "Call me,I mean. You’re obviously in a shitty mood,and all your answers are short,so I know you don’t really wanna talk. What’s this all really about?"

Damn,his little bro knew him well. Now it was Dean’s turn to sound awkward. "So,uh…I was actually calling to ask for your help. I need some advice from you."

"Really? Alright,I’m right here.",Sam’s tone sounded too curious for Dean’s taste. "You’re not in trouble,are you? "

"No,nothing like that." It was different kind of trouble. The kind Dean didn’t know how to handle.

"So what is it? Shoot."

_Let’s just get this over with_ ,he encouraged himself. "Now imagine a hypothetical situation. You got into a fight with Jess,and she’s really mad at you,not answering the phone or anything. How do you apologize and get her to forgive you?"

Sam laughed at that. "Wow. Well,I guess I would try to contact her in another way and try to make things right." That wasn’t very helpful. Wasn’t Sam supposed to be some sort of a love expert?

So Dean tried again. "But what if you already tried that and Jess is still not talking to you?"

"Are we still talking hypothetical? Dean,seriously,what did you do? And to whom? I didn’t know you had a girlfriend."

The words were scratching at his throat painfully,trying to find a way out. He couldn’t hold it in any longer."I'm such an idiot,Sam. I said some shit I never should’ve,but I was so pissed-"

"Why?" Sam interjected. Dean couldn't really answer that. Because Cas had private life and a boyfriend? His reactions from that night seemed even more absurd now.

"I screwed up." Dean's voice was shaking and his throat tightened. "I really did." Sam didn't bother telling him it's okay,and Dean knew it wasn't. Nowhere near fucking 'okay'. He didn’t even know how it happened. Sudden anger overtook him and made him say stuff he’d never usually say. Especially not to Cas. The saddest part? It wasn’t even the first time something like this happened. Dean knew he was hurting Cas. He was hurting himself,too. But jealousy was like a beast inside his chest,laying,peaceful and tranquil now,though ready to jump at the first brush of rough emotions.

"What are you gonna do about it?" Sam’s question and disapproving tone awoke him from his guilty thoughts.  Dean didn't have an answer.

"I...don't know?" he didn't even stop to think about that,too busy with self-pitying. Dean was only glad that his brother didn’t linger too much on the matter of what did he actually do. Sam probably didn’t even wanna know.

"What? Too busy drinking yourself to unconsciousness?" Sam knew him too well.

"What should I do?" Dean wondered. He was never the one to ask for advices,usually it was other way around. But this time he was desperate enough.

"Apologize,for starters. And don't hesitate to get on your knees."

"Should I call hi-Cas again?" Dean frowned. That got him pretty much nowhere.

"You can't be serious." Sam asked disbelievingly "Of course not,go to her place or get her somewhere out." Just now,he realized that Sam thinks ‘Cas’ is a girl. Dean was too tired to correct him or explain,so he just let it slide with a sigh.

"I could do that." Dean stated,immediately feeling nervous. He didn’t actually have Cas’ address,but he probably wouldn’t have problems in finding it. But what if Cas just slams the door _? It would be something you’d completely deserve._ "Should I,like,buy something? A present or something?"

"Do you know what she likes?" Sam sounded thoughtful and Dean pictured him with a finger on his chin. It made him chuckle a little bit.

"Eh," Dean started awkwardly,but couldn't finish. If we’re being totally honest,Dean’s knowledge on Cas was one big,fat zero. They didn’t usually spend their time talking. Only time they did,it was to yell and insult. Though,that was mostly Dean.

"Come on,dude!" Sam groaned '"You weren't kidding about the idiot part."

"Not helping.",Dean murmured desperately.

"Okay," his brother was silent for more than a minute,and Dean started to think that he hung up. "What about flowers? Chicks dig that," he suddenly said. "When a girl’s pissed at me,which doesn’t happen often,by the way,I usually go for flowers. They always worked before."

But Cas is a dude,how will he react to being brought _flowers_? Still,he didn’t feel like telling his brother the truth. And even if he did,what did Sam know about wooing guys? The truth would only make things even worse.

"Look,if you don't know what kind she likes,I think it's safe to go with roses.",Sammy assured him. "Red ones,preferably. You really can’t miss with that."

"Yeah,alright." He let out another soft sigh. Everyone likes presents. Even if you’re a guy and flowers are usually for girls,right? Dean would be totally cool with getting flowers for a present. "Thanks,Sammy."

"You do know what roses look like?" Sam teased,smirk in his voice.

"Don't be a bitch." Dean warned,but couldn't hold back his own smile.

"Jerk." Sam spat right back. "Hey,I have another call. Gotta go. Take care,and tell me how it all went with Cas. Also,next time,you won’t get away so easily. I’m letting you out this time ‘cause I see you’re hurting, But you’re gonna tell me more about her,you hear me?"

"Take care." Dean murmured back and heard a rushed "good luck" before his brother hung up. He knew Sammy won’t forget about it soon,and in no time he’ll ask about Cas again. But,Dean had plenty of other,more urgent problems to deal with right now. _One step head of time._

Flowers. Well,it was worth a shot.

 

                                                                                                  ***

 

Castiel straightened up on his old couch,changing his position for the fifth time in just thirty minutes. It didn’t make him feel any better. His life,in the past few days,depended on French fries,black wine and every possible TV series on cable. He wasn’t used to this. Some people would described it as a ‘broken heart’,but Cas wasn’t too sure. Just because he was feeling like shit for fighting with a certain asshole with a threat of never seeing each other again,didn’t mean he’s heart-broken. In all honesty,Castiel didn’t even know anything about that,never had anyone to lust or cry over.

He threw his soft blanked away,feeling too hot,still in his blue PJ’s and with no intention of changing. Only light in the room was from the TV,otherwise no light was on,and it was dark outside. Forgetting that he already had a deal,the sound of his door-bell ringing startled him.

Quickly getting up and basically running across the apartment, Castiel opened the door. Bright lights of hall irritated his eyes. Gabriel stood in front of him with a bag in one of his hands. He eyed Cas up with lifted eyebrows. Cas was wearing wrinkled flannel pajamas,and his naked chest was hidden thanks to the bath robe that slipped from one of his shoulders. Hair was a nest,now with few knots in it as he didn't bother to comb it for days. He frowned at Gabriel in question.

"Chinese?" Gabriel said weakly,lifting the hand with the bag up.

"Not a word." Cas sighed and made space for the other man to enter.

Few minutes later,empty food containers were disposed on the table. Cas got back to his spot on the couch,clutching his knees as he kept staring at the wall beside the TV. His yellow wall was covered in small paintings. Some of them were done by a professional and extremely talented artist that lived near Cas and always gave him discounts for them. Others were just brief sketches done by Cas himself. He was actually kinda proud of them – mostly peizages and nature on them,yet each looked completely different. Though,he doesn’t do that anymore. 

Gabe turned on his living-room light. Some of his clothes were folded carelessly over the backrest of his couch,and there was an empty cup just under Gabriel's feet. It wasn’t too messy,considering he didn’t to his cleaning for the week.

Gabriel just watched him for some time,arms folded on his knees. "Will you tell me what the hell happened?",Gabriel asked,finally breaking the silence,his voice steady and calm,almost as if he was trying to reason him. "Because the explanation ‘asshole client’ doesn’t begin to cover it."

"Nothing." Cas buried his chin between his hands. He just wanted to erase that event from his memory. Dean,too.

"Really? That's why you didn't pick your phone up for two days?" Gabe pressed his lips.

"Forgot to charge it," Cas tried with no spirit,so it sounded more like a question.

"Hm,not buying it. Now," he leaned closer to Cas "talk to me. Please." He actually looked worried now.

"I already told you. I had a fight with...a client." Although Cas didn't know what to call it anymore. Dean was never just a client to him. _Now,look what happened because of that._ Cas replayed their fight in his head a million times,torturing himself on purpose. In the morning after,Dean called. It wasn’t the last time,he was rather persistent,he even sent texts. But Cas didn’t have enough strength to deal with him just yet.

"Did he hurt you?" Gabriel was now cautious "Cas?"

"No." His voice sounded small and unsure. Cas knew Gabriel meant on physical damage,so it wasn’t a total lie. "He made a fuss out of nothing. Which he tends to do. A lot." Dean Winchester is one fucked-up person. It’s like he has a personality disorder – one minute it’s all sunshine and rainbows,and in the other an angry storm comes and destructs everything. And Cas didn’t have an umbrella to protect him.

"Does 'he' have a name? And you better tell me,Cas. I’m not leaving without answers." Castiel was aware of his best friend’s stubbornness and persistence. He’s gonna spill everything until the end of his visit,so why not start now? Cas was too tired of arguing,anyway.

Still hesitating,he whispered "Dean." Name had a bitter taste on his tongue.

"Is it supposed to sound familiar to me?" Gabriel frowned,probably trying to remember anyone named Dean he knew.

"You might've seen him on Friday." Cas explained "He was there,apparently. You probably served him. Green eyes,light brown hair,freckles." His image was clear in his head. Weirdly,it was one of Dean sleeping under him,mouth half open,face careless and innocent. It was the memory from when he was hung-over. Laying there in Dean’s  warm arms was paradise to Cas. Too bad it was taken away from him so soon.

Gabriel's eyes were suddenly wide and mouth formed into a small 'o'. "That douchebag?"

Cas didn't even bother at correcting Gabriel at that. He wondered what he did to anger Gabe and for him to label Dean like that.  "He thought you were my boyfriend."

Gabriel snorted. "Nah,you're too bony for my taste." And Cas had to smile at that. "But I don't get it," Gabe continued,looking confused. "We chatted a little and I asked him about that guy from the other night and he ju-"

_Wait,what?_ "What guy?" Cas blurted and lifted his head,finally facing him.

"He picked up some twinkie blonde last time he was at the bar." Gabriel stopped with the babbling when he saw Cas' expression. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Gabriel's words hit Cas in the gut,as something cold passed through his body. Wasn't that nice,Dean fucked on every step and still managed to be mad at Cas for (not) doing the same. Because Dean Winchester could have a life ( _and some life it was!_ ),while he wasn’t allowing Cas the same. He wondered with how many others Dean has been with while their deal was still on. An image of young,smooth bodies writhing under Dean’s own flashed in his mind,making his breathing faster. Cas was actually temped to answer his twentieth call,even if it meant yelling and fighting all over again,just to hear his voice. Heck,he was ready to hear him offering apologizes,if he had any,and maybe even accept it _. I’m such an idiot._

"That fucker." Cas said and stood up, leaving for his bedroom. Adrenaline was rushing inside his veins, preventing him from sitting still.

"Cas? Cassie..." Gabriel tried pleadingly,his voice was softer than before.

"Gabe,I need to be alone right now. Thank you for visiting and," he pointed at food on the table "I'm sorry." Gabriel seemed in a mood for argument,but he surrendered after the puppy glare Cas shot at him. "Please,just don’t. I’ll be fine. I just need some alone time to thing through this."

"Okay." he said with a tired sigh "But I'll come visit again." Gabriel grabbed his leather jacket and put it on,running a hand through his soft,brown hair. Cas nodded wearily,following after his friend. Before reaching for the door-knob,he felt a hand on his shoulder. Soon Gabe was pulling him for a hug that Cas gladly returned. That was the kind of comfort he _needed right now,not talk._

Gabriel was pulling his fingers through Cas’ knotty hair. "That guy is a total dick. Don’t let him get you down. It’s over now,you won’t have to see him again."

"Thanks,Gabe. ",Castiel whispered against his cheek. "Now I only have to figure out how to tell Crowley. He won’t be too happy." ‘Not too happy’ doesn’t begin to cover it. Crowley’s gonna be so mad at him for losing such an important client.

"Oh,who gives a fuck what he thinks!" To soon,Gabriel was pulling away and giving his hair one last kiss. "Take care and please call me if you need anything."

"Will do." After closing them,Cas leaned on the wooden door,taking a deep breath. _Does it ever end?_ He won’t lie to himself,it was too late now anyway. The idea of Dean being with other people hurt him,a lot. But he was also aware of how stupid it was. Cas is not Dean’s boyfriend and none of that is his business anymore,if it ever even was.

Cas locked his bedroom door,and fell on the cold bed. He closed his eyes,hoping that the darkness will take away all of his problems and pain.

 

                                                                                                 ***

 

He was sweating bullets under his dark wooly jumper,as he locked the door of his beloved Impala. The building wasn’t too big nor striking,but nice enough for Dean’s taste. Getting the address cost him time and money,because Fergus Crowley needed a lot of convincing. It took him three hours to get his shit together and turn on his car. Dean even practiced a fucking speech.

Coming inside,he decided to take the stairs,needing time to think and relax. The bouquet felt awkward and heavy in his sweaty,shaking hands. He stopped on his way there,by some flower shop and bought the fucking roses. The old lady from the shop said "She will love them!" and he just nodded and faked a smile. That wasn’t very reassuring. He realized how stupid it was when he was literally standing on the door. But it was too late to dump it somewhere now,so it'll have to do. _Besides,what's the worst that could happen?_ Dean huffed a humorless laugh at his own stupid question.

He took his sun-glasses off,not needing protection from the streaming sun in the closed space. Only douchebags and blind people wear sun-glasses inside. Wiping his palms on his jeans one last time,he rang the bell of doom. A cold drop of sweat streamed down the back of his neck.

There was no sound at first. Maybe Cas was out. Dean didn't know if he would be relieved or disappointed at the possibility. Loud steps from the other side startled him,and panic crawled all over.

Cas looked even worse than Dean remembered from the other night – wearing a pair of old sweats,face looking pale and tired. Sight of those blue eyes in front of him made Dean forget everything he wanted to say. Cas opened his mouth,to say a greeting probably,but closed them when he saw him,immediately grabbing the door again. Dean determinedly held them opened with his palm to stop it from happening. He knew he won’t get another chance.

"Wait," Dean's voice was smaller than he expected it to be.

"The hell are you doing here?" Cas frowned and his voice was louder than it appealed both of them.

Dean cleared his suddenly tight throat. "Please,just let me-"

"Let you what? Fuck me up again?" Cas asked and his eyes narrowed. His hair was sticking in every possible direction. In any other time,Dean would’ve found it cute.

"Cas...",his tone pleading. It was never Dean’s intention to hurt him. He just didn’t know how to stop that from happening.

"It may seem hard to believe,but I have feelings too." Cas frowned at his own shaky voice,probably not sounding as threatening as he hoped. "And I don’t like being treated like garbage."

The little speech he prepared vanished in his head,leaving him mumbling and gaping. He hid the flowers behind his back,not sure if it’s the right time to show them. "I'm so sorry,Cas," he said it and he meant it. "I really am. I was an idiot,and I don't know what to do to make it right."

Cas snorted and looked away,leaning on the door-frame.

After a silent pause,Dean continued,"Can you,please,just let me in? Someone might hear. Please,Cas. Give me at least five minutes." He out on his best apologetic expression,eyes pleading. Even if they never see each other again,Dean still wants to set things straight with Cas. He deserved that.

The silence seemed to last a lifetime,only their synced breathing filling the empty hall. Castiel just looked at him,face bland. But Dean knew he was a mess inside. His eyes gave him away,they always did. Right now,they were the color of troubled sea,restless and wild. Dean knew he was trying to read him,looking for hidden intentions. He will find none.

Silently,Cas stepped inside the apartment,leaving the door open. Dean took it as a sign to follow him. The rose bouquet was no longer behind his back – now placed in front of Dean’s chest,as he closed the door. He skimmed his eyes around the small apartment . An old couch covered in decorative pillows was seated in front of the big screen of a Plasma. The glass table across it was full of pencils,notebooks and a half empty glass of wine. What attracted his attention the most ,though,were sketches hanging on the left wall. Judging from the environment,Cas was into art. _Note to self._ It was a nice place,very Castiel-ish. Which was a weird statement,because he didn’t know anything about Cas or his tastes in the first place. But it somehow fit him.

Cas turned around suddenly,eyes pointed to Dean’s chest. He was looking at the roses. "Yeah. Those are,um ,for you." Dean sounded painfully awkward to his own ears.

At his comment,Cas let out a disbelieving snort. "Flowers? Really,Dean?" _Damn you,Sammy._ Dean could feel his face heating up,as  embarrassment crawled up his body. Still,he pushed the bouquet to Castiel,not saying anything. Surprisingly,Cas accepted it. There was a hint of smile on Cas' face,probably mocking,but Dean's heart started beating faster. It didn't go too bad,after all – hell,he could’ve thrown them at Dean’s face. With laughing he can deal.

After another silent moment,Cas lifted his gaze,raising one elegant eyebrow. "Anything else?"

Dean took a deep breath. "Please," his voice quiet. "I want you back." And that was probably the cheesiest thing he said in ten years,so go figure.

To his disappointment,Cas rolled his eyes at that. He laid the flowers down on the table,now forgotten. "Forget it. I won't come back every time just so you can chase me away again. I learned my lesson."

He had a point. Looking back at their ‘relationship’,there was really nothing more than just Dean pushing Cas away for unjustified reasons that had nothing to do with Cas,but other people. And Dean make promises all he wants,but he had no guarantee it won’t happen again. Not that he plans to do something like that in near future or ever,but stuff like that just keeps happening without his control.

Not having anything smart or romantic to say,he went for the truth. "I need you." It was said with determination that honestly surprised him. And from what he saw,Cas was too. It took him few seconds to collect himself,but what he said left Dean confused.

"Seems to me that you found a replacement." The statement was followed by a harsh glare.

Dean frowned at that. What replacement? He wasn't with anyone else since...shit. He groaned and swinged on his feet. How did Cas even know about that catastrophe? "I swear it was nothing,it meant nothing..."

Now he roused a sleeping beast. "I don’t care! But,how dare you accuse me of something you did.",he was practically yelling now. "Not me,Dean. You."

"I did it to forget you." That night was a mistake. Dean regretted it even before they came to the car. He kept thinking about Cas while fucking the guy,unable to find release. It felt so wrong.                                                            

Castiel was speechless,just glaring at Dean. It was getting uncomfortable,and Dean immediately regretted saying it. _But there was no coming back_ ,he reminded himself again. "But I couldn't,and it was before we made that deal." He hoped Cas could feel sincerity of his words. "I couldn't forget you." ,he repeated. "I can't get you out of my head,even now."

Cas started at him for a long time,opening his mouth once like he wanted to say something,but closing them again. "Gabriel is not my boyfriend.",Cas finally muttered. "And you had no right to react that way."

Dean nodded in agreement. "I know that. Once again,I’m so sorry. Cas,it was never my intention to hurt you. And I hate that I did. But this time,I promise you,no more hurting." Words kept pouring out of his mouth. "I’m not gonna lie to you. I have no idea what’s going on inside my head right now. But one thing I do know – I’ve never felt like this before." This feeling was unknown to him. He never needed someone like this before. And maybe it sounded cliche,but it was the truth. And it confused the hell out of him.

Castiel’s eyes were closed,as a hand rubbed his forehead. "Dean," Cas sighed, "I really need to sleep on this. Okay?"

"Okay,okay," Dean responded right away. He respected and completely understood it. He’ll give him the time he needs. This was nowhere near fixed,but it was a start. "And thank you."

"Oh,thank you for the bouquet." Cas added ironically and Dean thought he saw a smirk.

"Come on," he groaned,but smiled too. It was his own fault,anyway.

He didn't know if he was allowed to,but he stepped closer to Cas and put both hands on his shoulders. Castiel looked shocked,yet didn’t pull or push away. His lips left a gentle,lingering kiss on Cas' forehead. He could fell the other man gasp at the bold action. Before stepping away,Dean whispered, "I'm sorry. You have no idea how."


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

Dean was still feeling the freezing breeze from the cold morning air. Walking the crowded streets of Cleveland,dressed in only a thin suite-jacket probably wasn't the brightest idea. Because weather forecast is always so freakin' accurate.Him and Charlie went out to buy lunch and brought it to his office. They could’ve just ordered,but Dean felt like going for a walk today. As he sunk his teeth into the spicy flesh of an extremely delicious hamburger,he knew it was damn worth the coldness clinging to his bones.

Charlie was supposed to help him with his computer. He somehow managed to break it for the second time this month. She just snorted at his request and rolled her eyes "Anything for you,Winchester."They were eating in silence,a pleasant one, while Charlie's eyes darted over the screen. She was dressed in a white shirt peaking underneath her brown fancy jacket – Dean was actually the one to pick it.She was suited at his seat,clicking on the mouse and typing codes that Dean didn't and didn't want to understand. As long as it's fixed,he doesn't care. Whoever thought he could be good at working with computers and other modern technology crap was obviously a fool. _Looking at you,Dad._

"Don't get my keyboard greasy," Dean joked,glaring at her with fake accusation. They haven’t hung out together in a while now. It was their tradition to always have lunch together. Occasionally,Ash would join them,too – if he can take himself off his precious computer. Dean actually envied how much Ash enjoyed his job. But,it was his own fault that their tradition has been broken quite a few times lately. The project has him very busy and also on the edge.

"Bitch,please.", she sighed,palming her face with one hand. "You’ll probably gonna mess it up again by next week."

"Hey," he frowned at her,putting his burger on some papers and wiping his greasy hands on a white tissue."It’s not like I do it on purpose."

Charlie rolled her green eyes at him. "Come on,Dean,you got five viruses on it. And I already explained you how you pick those up. Leave your porn at home."

He had to let out a short laugh. Dean,in fact,did use to watch porn at work. With a job like his own,a man needs some hard-core entertainment to withstand. "I don't watch pornos.". And he didn't,at least not lately.

"Hm,I'm guessing you're getting laid often enough?" Charlie wiggled her eyebrows and turned the now fixedcomputer off. "Now you have my undivided attention.",she added with a rather fake wink.

"What?" Dean blurted and squirmed in his chair. He knew what she wanted,but Dean didn't know if he was ready to talk about his "love" life with her just yet. Lately,Cas has become the most discussed topic in Dean’s life and he wasn’t too thrilled because of that.

"Oh,you know… Was it a girl? Or a boy? Wait,or both?" Her tone sounded far too excited at the possibility. Unfortunately,Dean never had the pleasure of enjoying a threesome like that.

"You perverted little mind." In all honesty,if he’d ever feel like talking about Cas or his fucked- up "feelings" for him,Charlie’d probably be the ideal person. No judgment,nor disappointment. Just a hyper crazy red-headed lesbian with a strange,yet passionate obsession with gay sex.

"Tell me before I continue guessing." Charlie stopped for a few seconds while Dean stayed silent. "So,my next guess would probably be double-"

"Okay,okay. Just please - stop it there." Considering the fact that Cas was an experienced prostitute,their sex has been pretty much vanilla. Thinking of Castiel made him anxious. Dean got a short phone-call from him,saying that he’ll continue with their deal,but that Dean’s walking on a thin line. He was still to ashamed of his behavior to schedule a meeting. But, _fuck_ ,he missed him so much.

She raised her hands in defeat with a smug smile "You're such a-". Their conversation was interrupted by a loud knock on his door. His secretary,Amber – pretty blonde with perky breasts,stepped inside with some folder pressed to her impressive chest.

"Sorry for interrupting,Mister Winchester. You have a visit." she said with a hand still on the door-hand.

"Sure. Tell them to come in,sweetheart." He smiled at her and saw her face blushing. She was a lot younger than him and also hired mostly for her looks,but Dean flirted with anyone without even thinking about it. And he also liked making people blush.

His father entering wiped the look off his face. John Winchester was wearing an expensive black suit,the outfit he would wear even around the house. There was no emotion on his face until he turned to Charlie and slightly frowned. Dean immediately stood up and wiped hands off his pants. He saw Charlie standing up as well,fixing her slightly wrinkled clothes. John reluctantly walked to the middle of the room,looking at the mess they made while eating.

"Dad?" that was all Dean managed to say. John didn't visit the company often and he would always announce his unwanted visits beforehand. All Dean could to was glare at his father stupidly,until John brought his eyes back on Dean,rolling them.

"Good afternoon to you too,son." He noticed just now that his eyes were the same hazel color as his brother’s. Only,Sam’s gaze was usually warm,glistering with causeless joy. John’s eyes were just cold,flat.

Dean let out an awkward cough. "Yeah,sorry. I just didn't expect you today."

"I told you I'd stop by soon. And you would know if you had listened." He look pointedly at Dean,one thick eyebrow raised. Dean hummed and spun around to pick up the messy trash from his desk. He shot a warning glare to Charlie,as she still stood on the same spot,unmoving.

"Lunch break is over.", she beamed unexpectedly and took her bag that was hanging on the chair. "See you later." Charlie walked past John and nodded with a polite smile "Mister Winchester,it’s been a true pleasure." Dean tried to contain a mocking laugh at that.

John barely acknowledged her,just eyed her,evaluating. "Miss...?"

"Bradbury." It was followed by what Dean knew as ‘Charlie’s Charming Smile’. It didn’t quite work on his father as it did on Dean or most Sandover employees. John was still frowning at her,and she glanced at Dean once more before closing the door behind,just in time to see him mouthing a silent "sorry". This is exactly the reason why he never introduced anyone important in his life to John.

"Still eating that trash?" John asked disapprovingly when he noticed the empty Burger King wrappers.

"I didn’t have time for anything else." ,Dean sighed. Sometimes he would go to a fancy restaurant,but in the last few weeks he was too busy to even think about it. And he didn't like paying fifty bucks for a handful of some crap he couldn’t even pronounce. On the other hand,what’s so wrong with a perfectly fine,greasy and unhealthy burger?

"It’s very admirable how you take care of yourself." John sounded majorly annoyed now. That was a form of art that Dean completely mastered – annoying his father. He was already losing himself in memories of John giving him the very same look years before.

"Dean? " His father's voice startled him. "Were you even listening?" he asked harshly.

"Sorry,there are just a lot of things on my mind." There was no point in trying to explain that to John. He wouldn’t care,anyway. The unofficial motto of their family,and John’s personal, was "Shut up and suck it up!" and Dean learned how to live like that a long time ago.

"I can see that." John sat down,as Dean did the same. "I asked who was that girl."

"Who? Charlie? She's a friend who works here,too."

"Is there anything going on between you two?" _Very subtle,Dad_. His father would always go straight for the matter.

"No!" Dean shifted uncomfortably."I told you we're just friends." His father looked strangely pleased at that. _What’s wrong with Charlie?_ ,Dean wanted to ask but knew better.

"Good. I must go soon. Dick is waiting for me. So,I was thinking about going out on a dinner. A proper one." John raised his head to look at Dean,who was now leaning against the desk,hands on each side.

Why would his father come to his office just so he could invite him on a dinner? Dean was going to drop by the house in a few days anyway. "I was planning to visit on Friday." ,Dean frowned. John didn't "waste his time" on such simple things.

"No,we are going out accompanied by some friends. Paul Braeden ,his wife and his daughter,Lisa."

"Why them suddenly?" Dean knew the Braedens – a rich family currently living somewhere in France. They used to hang out often,back when they still lived here. Mostly,Dean just remembers their cute daughter.

"Because they are back here for some time,and we arranged a small reunion dinner. They would also very much like to see you. When we set the right day,place and time,I’ll expect you to show up." Dean just nodded uncertainly. He didn’t feel like hanging out with them,but it’s just a dinner – so he’ll manage. His father then continued"You and Lisa are close in age. She's a smart girl,you know. Beautiful,too. Didn’t you used to have a crush on her?" The teasing question was followed by an almost playful smirk.

Dean had a crush on Lisa Braeden when he was fucking 11 years old and his Dad was subtle as a sack of potatoes. _You can do better than this,old man._ Now Dean could see where this was going. Dad tried to set him up with some girl.

"I'm sure she is." Dean felt irritated. He didn't need his father to find a lay,and what the hell is wrong with John for trying to find him one in the first place.

"Son," John straightened in his seat "aren't you getting too old for unsteady relationships and one-night partners? Maybe it's time for you to find someone and settle down. Just like your brother." The last sentence sounded more like an accusation.

Dean was desperately trying to put an end to this idiotic conversation. "I have a project running right now,I don't know if I have the time."

His father nodded in approval. "I understand that. And you’re doing a solid job here." _Fuck you,Dad._ Dean was doing a fucking fantastic job here. Not even Balthazar Anderson was able to find a flaw. "However,I do want you to think about this." John gave him one final significant look.

There was no point in arguing with John Winchester. Dean gave up trying. "Uh,yeah,sure. Will do."

 

***

 

"Dean?" Castiel stepped into the familiar apartment. After standing five minutes straight and waiting for Dean to let him in,he discovered that the door was unlocked. That was unusual. He walked through the hall and to the living room. It was,mildly put,a total mess. Pieces of clothing were thrown carelessly across the couch. Just as many papers were covering Dean’s black kashmir carpet. Cas pretended not to see the empty bottles of alcohol hidden under the table,looking like they stood there more than a while.

"In the bedroom!" Dean's unusually raspy voice called out,echoing through the heavy silence. 

Cas didn’t expect another rose bouquet,but a warmer greeting would’ve been welcome,considering the fact how their last meeting here ended. With a slightly annoyed sigh,he opened the bedroom door.

He really had no idea what to expect,but a loud sneeze that startled him definitely wasn't it. Dean was laying,barely visible, under a pile of old-looking blankets. A box of tissues,some medications and an empty glass of unusually blear water were beside him,on the table next to his bed.

"Uh...hi?" he said awkwardly. Cas wasn’t sure what to do with himself here. Dean sent him a rather polite text yesterday ( _I’d like us to meet tomorrow at 5 PM,if that’s fine by you_.),and Cas agreed to it. He still wasn’t sure why. In all honesty,this wouldn’t have been the first time a customer didn’t respect his boundaries,but somehow it hurt him so much more that it was _Dean_. He was also the only one to ever apologize for his behavior. And one little,pathetic part of Cas melted at the flowers Dean gave him. He never got flowers from anyone before,and in his head,that was the maximum in romantic gestures. That didn’t mean Cas forgot everything,though. He won’t tolerate rudeness anymore – one ‘bad’ word from Dean’s mouth and Cas will be out in no time.

Dean opened one of his eyes and squinted at Castiel. He pulled the blankets down a little bit,trying to sit up,but in the end he just fell back on the bed with a pained groan. "Hey,Cas." Dean's voice was muffled from the pillow. He was obviously sick.

Cas came to the bed and tentatively sat down on the edge. Dean's eyes were once again closed while he was hugging that tissue box to his chest. He looked pale and worn-out. "Everything alright?"

"I’ve had better days." Dean looked at Castiel and frowned. "I think I caught a cold." The bridge of his nose was red,which Cas found kind of cute.

"You don't say?" Cas snorted and cocked his head. While getting ready for this meeting,he thought of thousand different scenarios in his head. His plans to stay distant and maybe a little cold fell in the water now. He couldn’t torture Dean like that in this state.

"This probably isn't the best day for...anything,really." ,Dean said and shifted under the covers so now he was laying on his back. Movement was followed by another sneeze. He was dressed in a blue long-sleeved T-shirt that made him look sort of… innocent. Now that was a word Cas never thought he’d use to describe Dean Winchester.

"Probably not," Cas agreed. He could see Dean shivering. It obviously wasn't nothing more than a bad cold,but Castiel was still worried.

"You can go,Cas. I honestly didn’t know this’ll happen. Sorry to bother you." Dean suddenly turned to him. "I'll call you. And pay,of course."

Castiel raised his hand and reluctantly placed it on Dean's forehead. Yeah,definitely too hot. Dean stilled under his touch and widened his reddened eyes. "Will anyone stop by to check on you?" ,Cas asked,ignoring the previous comments. Dean couldn't stay all by himself like this. He should make sure that he won't be alone. Being alone while sick was terrible,and probably not very smart.

"'m fine.", he muttered,but leaned into the touch when Cas put his hand on one shoulder. Whole body was visibly relaxing at the touch. It made Castiel smile.

"That doesn't answer my question." When Dean stayed quiet,he realized that his answer would be a ‘no’.For some strange reason,it made him a bit sad. And for the first time since knowing him,Cas started thinking about Dean’s life. He never mentioned any friends or family,and seemed mostly alone – judging my the time and oftenness of their meetings. Maybe Dean was as alone as Cas was.

"I'm going to make you a soup.", he informed Dean. Cas sighed and stood up. He won't leave him all alone and miserable – that would be just cruel. This was his only plan for the day,anyway. It somehow eased the anxiety he felt all the way here. It may sound funny,but he was relieved that there won’t be any sex. Cas wasn’t ready for that just yet. Because it wouldn't be the same anymore. To him,at least.

"What? Why?" ,Dean asked confusedly. "Cas,I told you I'm fine. I'm not a kid. I don’t wanna bother you."

"I'm aware." Cas rolled his eyes. "And I'm still making you a soup." Dean opened his mouth to say something,but closed them shut when Cas looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Quit whining."

He left for the kitchen. It was a lot bigger than his own and definitely cleaner. It didn’t looked much used,though. Opening the fridge,he was disappointed to find it almost empty. It took him a while to find a proper dish and a noodle soup that looked edible. Castiel enjoyed cooking. He didn’t know a whole lotta recipes,but he definitely knew the basics. And Gabriel usually enjoyed the food he made. It was done half an hour later and didn't turn out to be so bad. It certainly smelled delicious. Cas wasn't sure whether he should bring it to bed,since it could spill,or bring Dean to the living room.

"Dean?" There was no answer,just quiet snoring. Cas shook him by the shoulder softly. Dean didn't react,but turned to the other side instead. He could leave him sleeping,but the soup will get cold and will be no good if he had to heat it up later. _So much for a nice waking up_. Dean finally startled from the sleep when Cas nudged at his shoulder again,harder this time.

"Hm?" Dean rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. "You're still here?" ,he asked as if he couldn't believe it. "But why'd you wake me?" he whined after Cas nodded.

Cas just rolled his eyes at him. "Do you wish to eat here or in the living room?"

"Change of scenery would be good." Dean stretched his arms in front of him. Cas pulled down the blankets completely and the other man groaned. "I'm cold."

"I'll get back for them as soon as we get you on the couch." He took one of Dean's arms and placed it around his shoulder. Dean stumbled all the way,and when Cas commented that he should've worn something warmer instead of complaining,he sat down forcefully.

"Turn off the lights!"

"It's daylight,Dean.", Cas said tiredly.

"So turn it off." By the time Dean ate,he was wrapped up and leaning against Cas,his head on Cas' right shoulder. He also looked much better and happier. "Thanks,Cas. This was really great."

After he cleaned out the dishes,Cas seated Dean back on the couch,in front of the TV. "The Lord of the Rings"was running on DVD,and Dean’s full attention was set on it. By the time Frodo and his friend reached Rivendell,Dean’s head was resting on Castiel’s lap. He wasn’t even sure how it happened – one minute Dean was sitting straight,in the other Cas’ hand started stroking his short spiky hair. It felt nice,though. Dean’s head was a warm weight on his thighs. Nonetheless,Cas was grinning like an idiot,completely relaxed. "Hey,Cas?"

"Yes?" He lowered his head to look at Dean,but was surprised by the sudden press of Dean's lips on his own. They were burning and soft,making Cas warm inside. He reciprocated the kiss immediately,melting into it. Dean palmed the back of his neck ,pulling him closer. He was now sitting upright,too. Cas stroked Dean's hip,going up to his chest. Their tongues slid together and Castiel didn't know how much he craved for this until now. Dean moaned and Cas sighed happily.

Dean was the first one to pull away and whisper ,"This probably wasn't the best move."

_Probably not._ Cas was still an emotional mess. Dean's not the right guy for him,he knew that by now,but Cas just couldn't resist him. Not when all this made him so happy. For the first time in a really long time,something felt truly right. "Why?",Cas whispered right back against his lips,confused.

"I'll get you sick,too." Dean explained. Their foreheads were touching,but no one was pulling away.

"I don't get sick so easily." Cas murmured and smiled at him.

"Yeah,I'm sure you don-" Dean was silenced by another kiss. Cas felt Dean's lips twitching up. There was no rush this time. They were just enjoying each other’s mouth and bodies. When they were separated again,Dean lowered his head,giving Castiel’s covered shoulder a gentle peck. Then,he got back to his old position - head on Cas’ lap,as his fingers found their way back to his hair and face. . Dean hummed and murmured a silent "thanks".

"For what?" Cas asked with another shy smile. Blush was suddenly creeping to his rounded cheeks. Who knew he'd smile so much today?

"For staying with me."


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

 

The bed dipped slightly under his weight,as Castiel sat on the very edge of it. The sheets were light yellow this time - they looked rather lively bathing in the rays of sun. It was certainly a refreshment,as Dean's room always looked grey and moody. Cas moved his hands from where they rested on his bony thighs,and brought them on the sheets,caressing the surface nervously. Dean was standing right in front of him,his bare back turned to Cas. He took off his white shirt,carelessly dropping it on the floor, and pulled out a cotton blue T-shirt.Castiel was still dressed. Usually,he would already be naked and on his knees,ass in the air.

It was different this time. They only exchanged a few polite words,but Dean didn’t make any requests. He just started taking off his suit ( _in which he looked extremely hot_ ),now putting on more casual clothes.  All of this bothered Cas. Dean not being talkative could mean that Dean is angry. And an angry Dean usually leaves Cas in tears. He would still ask himself if all of this was worth coming each time – the feeling of not knowing what to expect. They’ve last seen each other when Dean was sick. And that’s probably a memory Cas will keep for a long time. Although it was all very innocent,the gentleness and feather-like touches made Cas feel goosebumps all over his body. Later,he called a few times to check on him. And each time Dean sounded warm and glad to hear from Castiel.

Dean finally moved,doing a pretty bad job of folding his sweaty clothes. "I'm hungry.",he broke the silence,sounding far too loud for the previous quietness. "We could go out and grab something to eat." A small,almost shy smile appeared on his freckled face as he faced Cas for the first time today.

Distracted by Dean’s sudden movements, Cas didn't realize that Dean just asked him to go out,so he started, "I can cook you something if you-"

"No." Dean snorted and frowned slightly. "Let's go out. Burger King or something. I really feel like eating something unhealthy."

Now it was Castiel’s turn to frown,trying to understand. He came here expecting sex,not a...date. Did Dean just ask him on a date? Excitement built inside him,as his heart beat a little faster. _It’s not a date_ ,Cas scolded that little,silly part of him. Why would Dean ask _him_ on a date? Still,that part of Cas was hard to shut down. Going out with Dean was something he secretly craved,not ever admitting nor acknowledging the feeling. Despite those efforts,it was there. And now it was jumping happily like a teenage girl on a Justin Bieber concert. "Okay."

"Awesome." ,Dean grinned at him,green eyes looking excited. There was a Burger King near Dean’s apartment,so the ride wasn’t too long. They didn’t talk,both just looked in front of them. It was not an awkward silence,though.

Cas took the chance to look around the crowded streets of Cleveland. Everything buzzed with life around him – unknown people,fancy cars and neon signs of endless restaurants and malls. Soon,they passed by Castiel’s neighbourhood. There was an old man sitting on a wooden bench across the park,and if Cas had ever paid attention,he’d recognize him because the man was always there. On the other side was a bar,looking completely full. It always was,and Castiel didn’t even know its name. As he was looking at his own building,a slender woman walked out of it. _My neighbor_ ,Cas thought sadly, _I see her for the first time_. Just then Castiel realized he walked these streets every day,yet failed to notice so many things. That’s mostly how he lived,too. He’d just run,close his eyes and never turn around or look back. Running was simpler – if you don’t notice anything,you won’t get attached and losing it won’t hurt. Because losing was inevitable for Cas. He learned that the hard way.

Suddenly,he noticed that the car stopped. Dean appeared in front of the window,opening the shiny door for Cas. "Everything alright?"

Castiel just nodded,feeling a little lost. His mind was truly a depressing place sometimes. He shook his head,as if that will chase the bad thoughts away. This was no time,place nor company to analyze his lifestyle right now.

They sat at one of those tables for two. The place was nearly empty,which Cas was thankful for. By the time they ordered – both cheeseburgers and a Coke,Castiel was back to normal. Quickly running out of small talk, Cas realized that he didn't know what to ask Dean. Sure,there were things he would've asked,but they were either too private or cliché to begin with. Still,he needed something to satisfy his curiosity. Dean was a mystery to him – he literally knew nothing about him. Except for the small things – the sound of his laugh or the smell of his sweat - and sex habits. Even that he had to pick up himself,because Dean never tells him a thing. Finally,at loss of anything else,he asked Dean for age.

Dean seemed surprised by the question,caught in the middle of biting in his cheeseburger. He chewed and put it down on the table. "I'm thirty-three." 

 _Wait,what?_ He always thought him and Dean were more or less the same age. Cas didn't know what to say except "Man,you're old." He didn't really mean that. It was intended as a joke,since they were still only few years apart,but judging by Dean's raised eyebrows this was not the best reply. "I didn't mean-" ,he started stuttering, "Not that you’re really old. You look fit a-and-"

Dean burst into laughter,not angry at all. "Dude,it's not like I'm fifty."

"I didn't say...I just-" he groaned. Now he was just embarrassing himself. _That’s ‘cause your sense of humor makes as much sense as an episode of Glee,_ Cas reminded himself.

"Hey,I know. Shut up." Dean's smiles only seemed to grow wider and warmer as the day passed. It made Cas relax. Which is something he really needed. "And you?"

It took Cas a few seconds to realize he was asked for his age,too. "I thought you said 'shut up'." he replied with a raised eyebrow. Dean just rolled his eyes and took a sip of his drink. "Twenty-nine."

As Dean noticed the blush that didn’t want to leave his face,he commented, "You're cute when you get embarrassed,you know that?" His eyes were soft,relaxed.

It made him blush even harder,if that was even possible and he ducked down his head to hide it. A phone started ringing as he raised his head once again. It wasn't his,Castiel left his phone at Dean's apartment. Which,by the way,he didn't notice until now.

Dean searched for his jacket pocket to pull out his phone. "Sorry,just a second." ,he apologized,and brought it up to his ear when Cas nodded. "I'm busy right now,Sammy. I'll call you later." ,he pressed his lips and rolled eyes once again. "Don't be a bitch about it." Dean’s mouth twitched as he hung up. "My nerdy brother.",he explained with a fond expression when he noticed Cas' questioning look. "His name is Sam."

That was a new information for Cas,and the one he was thankful for. "Is he younger?" 

"Yeah,about a year younger than you. He's a lawyer,you know. Always wanted to be one,since he was a kid. He's doing pretty good." A proud smile,filled with love, appeared on his tanned face. It was obvious that him and his brother were very close. "Do you have any siblings?"

Castiel didn't answer.

Dean watched him with curious expectation,but his eyes suddenly widened, "God,I'm so stupid! I'm sorry,I forgot..."

"It's okay,really.", Cas calmed him down,while his heart secretly ached. Dean really didn't do anything wrong. Despite that,certain melancholy overcame his mind and body. "Yes,I had a brother and sister.",he said quietly when Dean finally stopped apologizing. "Michael and Anna." If he wanted Dean to share his story,Cas probably had to do the same. And really,he didn't have to hide this from Dean. From anyone. Cas just choose to do so,not wanting to appear vulnerable in front of another person. "They were both older than me. Michael was in college,and Anna was finishing high school. I got along with Anna better,but I loved my brother just the same." Michael was the typical ‘protective-older-brother’ type,while Anna was a bit of a nerd. Cas still remembered those late nights when him and Anna would read books,trying to avoid getting caught by Naomi. She didn’t like it when they disobeyed her.

Dean was completely quiet now. The cheerful smile was lost on his face,replaced by a serious, sympathetic  expression. "What about your parents?"

His heart ached before - now it was stinging. "They died the same way."

"I’m so sorry.",his companion whispered with honest and expressive eyes. This was probably the most emotions Cas ever saw on Dean’s face. As he opened his mouth to speak again,they changed to hesitant and unsure. "What were they like? I mean,if talking about th-"

"It’s fine." He can do that. The brief pause helped him. Now his voice sounded steadier,more firm. Cas hated that he lost control over his emotions like that. It seems to happen often when he’s with Dean,and it was rather worrying. "They were good people. Honest and fair. Very religious."

It all sounded very poor,not personal at all. In all honesty,any other descriptions of his parents were the ones he wasn’t ready to share. How do you tell someone that you think your parents were strict,cold and possibly never loved or wanted you? Michael was the golden boy of their family,Novak’s oldest son. Anna was a sweet cupcake,mother’s princess and heiress. And Castiel was just a bothering surplus.

He always felt like that,ever since he was a kid. Naomi Novak made sure of that. He was probably never in her plan – a boy in times she wanted to have a girl. On top of that,by her description,he was "loud,irresponsible,inattentive,lazy,always messy and poor excuse of a son". Somehow,Cas never knew how to do the right thing. Never able to please his mother or make her happy. Not that she was ever too caring with Anna or Michael – her smiles were a rare gift,but deep down she really loved them. He wasn’t so sure about him. Castiel knew his mother had a hard life before she gave birth to them,though she had always refused to talk about it. Still,it makes him bitter. Because,even though he was just a fuck-up,was he so goddamn despicable that she couldn’t even grant him at least one warm,motherly hug?

Chuck Novak was,on the other hand, a likeable man – friendly smile,kind eyes and a word of (pointless) advice in every corner. Cas often wondered how a man like that ended up with the polar opposite of him. There was no denying that his father built an amicable relationship with his children,but that was it. He’d joke with them,ruffle their hair and buy them candies,but they never had his support and true attention. Chuck Novak was,simply put,never a real father to Castiel. Despite that,Cas will always remember him fondly. Because even a cheap chocolate bar was better than an icy nothing.

How could he explain all that to a complete stranger? All delusion aside,Dean was just that to him. "I loved them.",Cas murmured instead. It was,after all,the truth.

When Dean tried to apologize once again,Cas harshly stopped him. He didn’t want Dean’s pity. Didn’t need it. Other people’s pity never helped him in life,as he clawed his way through it alone. It was dark,full of life’s thorns and whips,lonely,but Cas marched through it with only himself to count on. And he still made it with his head up high.

Half-eaten burger was in front of him,but Cas lost his appetite long ago. Silence that fell upon them was now tense and painful. "I’m the one who’s supposed to be sorry. I ruined your mood and your meal."

"I'm just...",Dean huffed and looked around. Then he brought his eyes back to Cas. "An   asshole,idiot,name it whatever you want. I can't tell you how sorry I am for saying all of that shit that day. And all of the times before."

In that moment Castiel knew he forgave Dean. "I know,and it's okay."

"I don't think it is."

"You just really need to work on your temper. A lot."

"I will." Dean looked honest and open,not hiding anything. It actually sounded like a promise.

"So,what about you?",Castiel asked,turning the story around. He wasn’t completely under control just yet,but listening will make him forget all about it. Turning his head,Cas looked around the diner. Besides them,there were only two more younger couples in the spacious room. Making sure no one noticed their emotional conversation – they didn’t – he brought his eyes back to the man across him. "What's your story?"

Dean rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. "We actually have a similar experience. My mom died when I was a kid,too. Our old house burnt down and took her with it. My dad tried to save her,but there was nothing he could do,except getting himself killed as well." The gruffness of Dean’s voice increased,as the forest color of his eyes darkened. "After that,we found a new place. My father worked at Sandover,and there were always meetings,dinners he should attend to. Basically anywhere but home." That statement and bitterness with which was said surprised Cas. "I took care of Sam and myself,family and friends helped out. College happened,then jobs. Dad always wanted us to have good jobs. I inherited his job at the company,although it wasn't my thing. Long story short,here I am."

After hearing that,Cas realized that Dean’s life wasn’t’ exactly a fairytale,either. He lost his mother,and in some way,his father too. Similar to his own case. _At least he had his brother_. Cas had Gabriel,for whom he couldn't be grateful enough for. "Well,aren't we living the American dream?" he joked.

"Indeed." After that,they fell into silence once again. Cas definitely learned more about Dean – more than he ever expected. And now that he was familiar with the whole story,he couldn’t help but seen Dean in a new,different light. From a spoiled bachelor,he went to a broken-hearted man and an amazing brother. _Who is Dean Winchester?_ Cas wondered in awe.

"Are you gonna eat that?" ,the subject of his thoughts suddenly asked and nodded at Cas' burger.

"No,I'm full."

"Let's go,then." When Castiel asked where,all he got was a weak "I don't know. Somewhere."

"Wow,Winchester. You always plan ahead like this?"

"Yup." Dean smirked at him. So,the bad mood was gone now? _Good to know._

"That explains a lot." Dean stopped,and looked at Cas with mouth wide open,as if he was insulted. It made Cas laugh. How Dean managed to organize a whole company sector was beyond him.

They ended up in Rockfeller Park. A rather public and crowded place. People were walking down the park,some walking their dogs,others were sitting on benches or grass,talking. Cas liked it here. Color green was everywhere,as  warm whirlwind played with the soft branches of tall trees. Dean and Cas walked around aimlessly,one minute in a comfortable silence,the other laughing with no particular reason.

Dean threw his jacket over his shoulder,baring his muscled arms. The sunset made his freckles stand out even more and Cas couldn’t help but stare. He did it so carelessly that he got caught more than once. Dean would then smile shyly and look at the ground. Cas thought he felt the freckled man’s eyes on his own heated face when he wasn’t looking.

As the sun slowly dropped from the sky,painting the nature in gentle shades of orange,Dean and Cas delayed their steps,sometimes brushing their sides together. "You said you don't like your job." Cas started,trying for the new topic. The quietness between them was getting tiring.

"I didn't say that." Dean interrupted defensively.

"Okay,you said that it wasn't your thing." Now that Dean turned and briefly skipped that page of the book,Cas was let feeling confused and a little curious on the topic of Dean’s father.

"I'm good at it. Isn't that what matters?", there wasn't any emotion in his voice when he said that. Just utter blankness and disinterest. _No,he definitely doesn’t like his job._ "I wanted to be a fireman." It was said in such a quiet tone,Cas almost missed it.

"Then what are you doing at Sandover?" It was a fair enough question. A marketing company is as far from a fireman as you can go. So,Dean wasn’t the business-type guy at all?

"Because my dad wanted me to do so." Dean obviously wasn't comfortable talking about this,and Cas didn't want to push it,so he stopped asking. He suddenly remembered their previous conversation. His mother and childhood home burned in fire. _Fireman_. Castiel couldn’t describe the quick twirl of emotions that overtook him in that moment. He also couldn’t explain the strong urge to hold Dean close in a warm embrace right now.

Trying desperately to distract them both from sad thoughts,he blurted, "I always wanted to be an artist." Cas surprised even himself with this statement. Not that it wasn’t true,it’s just that he never talked or thought about it. It was a missed opportunity.

Dean seemed a little surprised,too. "So,what happened to that?"

"After the accident,my uncle took me in. I finished high-school,but I never went to college. My uncle died and I was left alone. No money,no nothing. I guess you know the rest." Art just got forgotten somewhere in the middle. Sometimes,when he’d feels stressed out or particularly happy,Cas would take a pencil and start drawing, It’d never last long,though. Drawing would usually just remind him of the life he had,and the life he could’ve lived.

"I saw some sketches on your living-room wall. Those were yours?" _Some of them_. He told Dean as much. "Man,they’re fucking awesome. You are really talented,Cas. Huh,good to know that both of us do crap we don’t enjoy. I mean,do you-" Dean was about to say something,but then he smacked himself across the face,blushing. "I always think of the wrong things to say."

"What did you want to ask me?" Cas was playing a fool,but he could see where this was going.

"Nothing."

"Spit it out." When Dean still refused to talk,Cas scolded him, "How many times do I have to repeat it today? It's okay." It was getting irritating,but at least Dean was learning from his previous mistakes.

"I was going to ask if you enjoyed your job,but it was everything but appropriate." Dean said it so fast Cas barely understood him. He was really ashamed,and Cas snorted. It turned into laughing that went on and on,until his stomach ached. "I'm glad to see my failure of an attempted conversation amuses you." Dean said sarcastically when Cas could breath again.

Castiel looked up and saw that soft look on Dean's face again. He didn’t seem mad or offended. Dean looked like he was…enjoying the view. Weird thing – his view was Cas. They just stood still for a few very long seconds,then,suddenly, Dean pulled at his hand and drew him into a kiss. His lips were chilly now from the fresh air,and he tasted like cheese. Cas probably did,too.

He couldn't believe it. This was a very public place. People were passing by,and Dean kissed him. Disbelief turned into pure happiness. He kissed back,closing his eyes, and gripped at Dean's T-shirt,while Dean's hands settled  on his hips. Cas closed his eyes and caressed Dean's stubbled cheek. There was no tongue pushing its way inside this time. Just soft,full lips brushing against his own.

They stopped kissing,but didn't move apart,still wrapped in each other’s arm. Dean’s hand was a warm weight around his waist. Cas opened his eyes to notice those familiar crinkles by Dean's. "I do enjoy it a little bit." ,he whispered. "When I'm with you."

 

Drive to Dean's apartment was too fast to be legal,but Cas said nothing about it. They shared touches and kisses all the way. Something burned inside of Cas - lust. It drove him crazy,and it was increasing by every bump of their knees. He didn’t even remember getting out of the beautiful park.

Cas breathed out in relief when they finally laid down on Dean's bed. He impatiently tried to get Dean's clothes off,as Dean fumbled with Cas'. He groaned in irritation,and Dean silenced him with an open-mouthed kiss that was hot enough to distract him. Tongues slid together for the first time today,and Cas shivered with pleasure and anticipation. Their shirts and clothes were all over the room,irrelevant and forgotten. All Cas could think of were Dean's hands on his sensitive skin and the growing erection above his own. He lowered his hand to stroke it few times and Dean moaned in surprise. Cas loved that sound.

"Oh fuck,Cas." Dean tucked his head under Cas' chin while he breathed heavily. Cas soon felt a hand on his bare cock,exposed to the cold air,and he swore he saw stars. He gripped Dean's shoulders,probably a bit too hard (there will sure be a bruise tomorrow),and rolled them so he was on top of Dean. Cas smirked at his partner and at the eagerness in his half-shut eyes.

"What do you want,Dean?" Cas teased him,moving his bare ass over Dean’s lower abdomen. "Dean."

"Yeah?" he breathed out. Dean blindly thrusted into Cas,not getting any real friction just yet.

Castiel brought his hands to Dean’s smooth chest,palming the soft skin. Lowering his head to Dean’s own,Cas whispered seductively,"Tell me what you want."

"Wanna fuck you." Cas moaned at those words. He ducked down to kiss Dean's jaw and cheek,then lifted his body and crawled to the desk where he knew the condoms and lube were placed. Dean whined in displeasure. But,Cas soon got back to his old position on top of Dean,opening the condom package. Holding himself with a hand on Dean's chest,he slid it slowly over Dean's hard cock,following it with wet kisses.

"You're torturing me." ,Dean moaned and put his hands on Cas' shoulders.

"I want to make it good for you. For both of us." He stroked Dean's erection,feeling it twitch inside his warm palm. Bringing his head down once again,Castiel latched his mouth onto one small nipple. He circled one with his tongue,while working two fingers over the other one. Cas could feel them harden against his touch. "You look so hot like this."

"God,Cas. Please." Dean was writhing under him,vocal like never before. Castiel opened the lube and took some in his hand. He carefully spread it over Dean's dick,then looked at him reluctantly. He was too impatient to finger himself,or wait for Dean to do it,and he didn't really need much. He's just gonna take it slow. He just needed Dean inside him this very minute.

Cas balanced himself above Dean,placing the hard cock between his heated ass-cheeks. 

"Wait,Cas" Dean furrowed his eyebrows,face already wet with sweat. "Aren't you gonna prepare yourself?"

"I don't need it."

"But I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't."

"Cas-"

"You won't." he repeated and smiled. "I just need you inside me." Slowly,he lowered his hips on Dean's cock. He sucked in a breath when he felt a familiar burn. It stung – Dean’s cock was spreading him in all obscene and somewhat painful ways – but it felt so fucking good. Dean gripped at his back,sliding his hands everywhere he could reach. Then he pushed Cas down to place palms on his flushed cheek and kiss him hard. Cas gladly reciprocated,his tongue swirled inside Dean's mouth. Then he straightened himself and rolled his hips,getting used to the feeling. Both of them groaned loudly at that.

 Cas laughed in ecstasy,and started moving faster when he felt Dean thrusting up inside of him. Their moves became synchronized and faster every second. Both of Dean’s hands found their way to his ass,now kneading the flesh with rough fingers. Castiel sped his movements,riding his partner in earnest now. Bouncing on his cock,he removed Dean’s hands from the muscles of the reddening ass,and brought them to his breathy lips. Taking both index fingers into his mouth,Cas sucked them with occasional gentle bites. Then,pulling them away,he brought them to his untouched nipples.

He was getting close,and judging by the sounds he made,Dean was too. Dean's hand fell on his own hard cock that was leaking pre-come. Dean stroked it fast and Cas was overwhelmed by the feeling. Release was building inside of him.

"Come on." ,he heard Dean say. "Come on,baby." Cas groaned and put his hand over Dean's. "Faster,I know you can go faster,Cas."

Cas rocked on Dean and lost the rhythm they had. The cock inside him was pounding right at his prostate,spreading pleasure all over his sweat-covered body. Few seconds more,and he'll be there. Dean sat up and sucked at his neck. He held Cas' arms tight and Cas lost the sanity of his mind.

"Come for me,baby." And he did. He almost blacked out when orgasm hit him. Cas noticed his release over Dean's stomach just before he felt Dean coming inside of him,body writhing in ecstasy one last time. "Cas! Fu-" he finished it with an exhale.

Exhausted,both men fell on the bed,breathing hard and rapid. After the aftershock of his intense orgasm left him,Cas felt the soreness overtake his body. It was followed by a yawn and a wave of drowsiness. He didn’t even realize he was still laying on top of Dean. The other man’s eyes were already closing,as sleep engrossed him as well.

Just before falling into the safe darkness of dreamless sleep,Castiel heard Dean whisper, "Missed this. Missed you."

"I missed you too."


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

He woke up with a flutter of his heavy eyelids,surrounded by darkness. Sweat was covering his naked skin,as the silky sheets wrapped themselves around his figure. Hot air mixed with sweat and something else - something completely different -filled his nostrils. Taking a deeper breath,more of the unfamiliar scent reached him. Shifting his head slightly,Castiel realized that the smell belonged to the sleeping body next to his own. Dean was laying on his stomach with his hands tucked under the pillows. He was covered from waist down,the white sheet and his position hiding his manhood that brought so much pleasure to Cas just few hours ago. His head,though, was turned to Castiel - plump mouth half-open.

As moonlight illuminated fragments of the room,tracing the outlines of Dean’s muscled figure,Cas was able to see him clearly. Long thick eyelashes cast a shadow over the slight bridge of his nose making him look somewhat vulnerable. _He’s beautiful_ , Castiel thought. Of course,he knew that before. Seen it,in green of his eyes,in wide smiles,occasional attempts of humor that made Cas laugh. But now he could just take notes on details without Dean turning away in discomfort. Like on the way his tanned skin looked unusually pale under the dim light of the night. Or the way that those small freckles covered his round face asymmetrically.

Apart from Dean’s steady breathing,the bedroom was wholly consumed by silence. There was something about that unchanging tranquility that put Castiel at ease. He didn’t feel tired. Not tired enough to fall asleep again,so he let his mind wander.

This had never happened before - him staying over the night. He always tried to get away from his clients as soon as he made them come,so to be said. Cas never slept in their beds and nobody ever offered. No matter how tired he was,he never let it show. Making customers feel like the best lays in Cleveland was basically in his contract and Cas was good at it ( _not a skill he was proud of_ ). Him being friendly to them was not. Inside he was filled with disgust,not so much towards the man that was fucking him,as towards himself. Castiel made peace with his morals and conscience a long time ago,yet that feeling of disgust for himself would always find him in the dark loneliness of his bed,just before he’d go to sleep. 

Tonight,it didn’t come. The only thing he felt was sore pleasure from previous actions. Maybe it was because of Dean. That man seemed to be the exception to every single one of Castiel’s rules. This whole thing he has going with Dean is nowhere near his usual business relationships. If you don't count the sex,that is. When he thinks about it,what is this whole mess? Cas can't define nor understand it. If they were in different circumstances,as in Cas having another kind of job,this could be easily interpreted as dating. Opening up to Dean and him doing the same to Cas this afternoon changed many things about their relationship. If nothing,it could definitely be described as some sort of a fucked-up friendship.

But still,Cas couldn’t shake off the feeling of insecurity and hesitance around Dean just yet. He forgave,but couldn't forget. A tiny part of him was just waiting for the harsh glare or an insulting word to come. To put him in his place.

Allowing himself to be completely honest in his thoughts,me could admit he liked Dean _. Maybe even something more_ , a traitorous voice in his mind whispered,but Cas quickly buried it deep inside his heart,hidden. He loved his quirky personality and easy,teasing smile,just as he appreciated Dean’s cleverness and sharp wit. There would be days he wanted to be pissed at Dean Winchester,but after finding out what lays underneath that tough exterior and cocky attitude,he could do nothing but identify with him. The problem was that he didn’t know what Dean felt or thought of him. Cas was afraid to give more than he was supposed to,more than he’ll get in return. Because nothing hurt more than unrequited emotions or complete indifference. And Castiel knew that too well.

The hand he leaned onto started to hurt,so he shifted on his back again with a sigh,letting his thoughts drift away from Dean for a while. He hasn't heard from his boss in a while. Possibly because Cas hung up on him the last time. Castiel should've gotten used to it - Crowley's word would always leave him red in face. From shame in the very beginning that turned into anger and annoyance over the years. He especially wasn’t looking forward to another “witty” comment about "Winchester liking his order". Working for Crowley’s Agency has gotten very tiring.

He wanted out of it. This job and the mess he got himself into. It isn’t the first time he thought about it,but Cas never strung too long on it. Even if he did quit,then what? He had very few possibilities,and none of them were even considerable. Not if he wants to pay his bills and keep the roof above his head,considering the fact he has no college or working experience. And quitting would mean putting an end to him and Dean. The very thought of it made Castiel’s heart clench with burning emotions,as his stomach twisted uncomfortably. Maybe the man would just find another hooker to fuck. Then again,Dean didn't seem like that kind of guy. The first night they met,he didn't realize that Cas was a prostitute and he actually looked hurt. So Cas guessed it wasn't Dean's usual game. But despite all that,Castiel knew they wouldn’t stay together.

Suddenly,a _what if_ popped inside his head. What if Cas left Crowley's and began to "work" exclusively for Dean? It would sure be a damn big bite to swallow. Another fight or misunderstanding and Cas would be on the street again. Despite that,the idea sort of appealed him.

Being with Dean made Castiel extremely happy. Sure there were bad,painful moments between them,but when it’s good it’s perfect. Maybe he could just bring the idea up somewhere along the way,not make it look so serious. Just to see Dean’s reaction. He can always withdraw the offer.

Beside him, Dean stirred,pulling one hand from under the pillow and throwing it over Cas' chest. Cas immediately moved closer until their faces were only three or four inches apart. He felt the radiating heat of Dean's warm body seductively calling for him to get closer. He looked peaceful and so kissable. Not being able to restrain himself,surprisingly deliberate,he connected his lips to Dean's dry ones. It was a chaste kiss. Sudden affection overtook him and he needed to be closer to Dean. Needed to hide himself inside Dean’s warm arms and heart and stay there forever. The other man’s smell was everywhere and Cas let it overwhelm him,taking in every crumb of Dean around him.

At some point,Dean lowered his arm around Castiel' hips and gripped tighter. Cas stilled until the other man's breathing evened again,as he listened to Dean’s lively heart beat under his head. The sound lulled him back to sleep.

***

Saying that he had the best morning in his life ever could certainly be an understatement. Dean woke up with a smooth body rubbing against his own in all the right places. After a mind-blowing orgasm came a rather long make-out session and leisure on the bed. There was a warm feeling under his skin that he couldn’t get rid off or identify. Dean was still trying to figure out whether the lips he felt on his own were just a dream last night. 

After taking a shower,Castiel borrowed some of Dean’s old sweatpants and a white T-shirt. The very sight of Cas in his clothes did wild things to Dean.

Trying to soothe the crumbling in his stomach,Dean pulled out the leftovers of his yesterday ordered meal. Making sure the pizza was edible,he offered it to Cas. But Cas only took a cup of tea in the end,because he didn't like coffee,and apparently had no appetite so early in the morning. Another small thing Dean learned about him.

Yesterday was quite productive in that area. Their ‘care and share time’ was successful and Dean was finally able to hear Castiel’s whole story ‘till the end. He also opened up to Cas and talked about stuff he usually never would. Surprisingly,Dean didn’t feel any different. If anything,he was feeling a lot better now that he got the chance to say it out loud. He never did that before – didn’t really have anyone to talk to. The subject was too delicate for Dad and it would probably only make him sad and possibly angry. Sam was nowhere near ready for a conversation about Mom. And he wasn’t comfortable with bearing his feelings like that to most of his friends. The fact that Cas and Dean had that thing in common only brought them closer and helped them understand each other.

"You gotta eat,man. You barely touched your food last night." he still tried to make the other man to grab a bite before he goes.

"I'm being lectured about my eating habits enough." Cas rolled his eyes and sipped at his warm drink.

"Obviously not enough." Cas just snorted and rolled his eyes. "Although," Dean continued,wrinkling his nose "I don't understand what's with the dried grass."

"I like it." Cas answered simply and shrugged. "And sometimes it seems like I should be the one lecturing you. You eat trash. I'm guilty myself,but I at least eat something healthy in between."

"What is this?" Dean asked,faking annoyance. "I can just turn the TV on and watch Dr. Oz shit about cholesterol," and then cocked his head and added, "Or call my bitch brother."

Castiel’s eyes narrowed and Dean could see he was ready for a discussion,so he quickly grabbed him around the hips and drew him in for a kiss. Soon,he was slipping his tongue between Castiel’s soft,full lips. "Dean," Cas murmured in his mouth when Dean refused to break away. "Dean." ,he tried again.

"What?" ,he sounded like a whiny five-year-old.

"I should go." Cas said reluctantly,adjusting the sweatpants on his body as soon as he stepped away.

"Stay." Dean tried to kiss him again. He didn’t even think about it. There’ll be plenty of time for freaking out and questioning himself and his feelings later. Now he just wants Cas pressed close to him.

"I need to get some things done." he explained,and Dean wanted to ask what 'things',but he kept his mouth shut. That’s not his business.

"Okay." ,he wanted to say more,but deciding whether he should or not took too long,since Cas went to change. Dean wanted to tell him to keep his clothes,but that would be just awkward and couple-y. And they were absolutely not in a relationship.

He heard the loud sound of his doorbell few seconds after Cas went to bedroom to take his stuff. It was 9 AM,and Dean didn't expect anyone today. He started panicking. Cas was still here,and the person on the other side of the door will meet him one way or another. And he can’t just hide Cas in his closet. Technically,Dean didn’t have to hide Castiel from anyone,but he wasn't up for revealing who his current lay was. Or what his job is. As a minute passes,ringing turned into loud knocks. _Damn is someone persistent!_ "Just a second!" he yelledand went to unlocked the door. _Please don’t be Dad._

He opened the door and a tall body appeared in front of him. Shaggy brown hair covered most of his face,as warm,green eyes glinted with excitement. His brother was dressed rather casual – a plaid shirt and well-fitting jeans. "Hey!" Sam exclaimed.

"Sam?" Dean furrowed his eyebrows and took a step back "What are you doing here?" Now this was a surprise. Sam didn’t usually drop by unannounced. And he obviously couldn’t have picked a worse time. _At least it wasn’t John_ , Dean comforted himself.

"Good morning to you,too." His bright smile was replaced by a best known as ‘Sam Winchester’s Bitchface’ expression that Dean loved so much. "I see you slept well."

As a matter of fact,he did. Very well. Dean almost smiled,but he was still looking at Sam in question. This better be important. They were still standing awkwardly at the door,but that was fine by Dean. As long as Sam doesn’t come inside,they’re fine.

"If you didn't hang up last night,you'd know that I was going to stop by today." Sam sighed and smashed his hands against his hips. "I am truly sorry that I came to my brother without informing him. Because he is a jerk."

"I was outside." he said defensively. Sam was now trying to get inside and they crashed against each other as Dean tried to prevent his way. All his attempts were unsuccessful and Sam slid inside,giving Dean a strange look,and went straight to the living-room.

"Yeah?" Sam asked casually,hands in his pockets. "Where were you yesterday?"

In that unlucky moment,a third voice decided to join in, "Dean,I left your sweats-" Sam looked behind Dean,where Cas was probably standing. Dean turned to see Cas dressed in yesterday's jeans and shirt looking positively shocked. "Uh...hi." Cas said awkwardly,looking at Sam.

Sam glanced at Dean and then offered Cas a smile "Hello."

He might as well introduce them now. "Cas,this is my annoying brother,Sam.", Dean said finally,and then "Sam,this is Cas. Castiel."

"Cas?" Sam blurted " _That_ Cas?" A playful smile was spreading itself across his brother’s face and _Oh no!_ Dean knew that expression too well. "The one you cried over a few weeks ago?"

Dean really hated Sam sometimes. He was doing it on purpose. Oh yeah,Dean could see him smirking,pleased with himself. Not having enough courage to glance at Cas,he just gritted through his teeth, "Shut up! I didn't cry." Dean was actually blushing right now. Honestly,he wasn’t crying over Cas that time but he was pretty damn close. Still,he didn’t want Cas to think that he was a pussy.

"Nice to meet you,Castiel." Sam walked to Cas and shook hands with him. His shoulders were suspiciously shaking. Dean's gonna kick his brother's ass,doesn't matter that both of them are adults. Finally making himself look at Cas,Dean saw he was red in the face,eyes wide and unsure.

"You too." Cas answered with an awkward cough. He was searching for Dean’s gaze,asking for help. Dean didn’t know what to do. One thing he’s sure – he ain’t gonna tell Sam what Cas really is. There was no need for his brother to know that.

"Heh." Dean laughed humorlessly and reached for his brother's shoulder,patting him with way too much force. Sam had to rub shoulder with his hand,and Dean grinned. Meanwhile,Cas was at the door,and it looked like he was about to sneak out when Dean called out "Cas!". Caught in the act,Castiel turned around,hand still on the door-handle. "I'll walk you out." He can at least do that after bringing him in such uncomfortable position.

"Oh,you don't need-"

But Dean was already there with his hand on the small of Cas' back. Cas eyed Sam once more,who was waving with his fingers. Before his brother could say something more,Dean lowered his head to whisper in Cas' ear "See you soon" and place a brief,chaste kiss on his neck. Sam or no Sam,Dean wanted to say a proper goodbye. Plus,Sam knows they’re screwing,anyway. Castiel shivered and nodded,and then he was gone. He turned around to smile at Dean halfway through the hallway,and Dean reciprocated as warmly as he could. 

He closed the door soundly and walked into the living room. "Thanks for that." ,he narrowed his eyes. "What the fuck,Sam?"

Sam was splayed across his couch,laughing with his whole body. "How did Cas like those roses?" he asked Dean when he got his breathing under control. 

"He liked them just fine." Dean sat down next to his brother,still resisting the urge to punch him.

"Oh,it's 'he' now?"

"Shut your face. I wonder what Jess ever saw in you. She probably can't even see your face under that bush." He hummed thoughtfully, "Maybe I just need to tell her a few more stories about you."

"You're just jealous." Sam winked at him,and then cleared his throat. "You could’ve told me the truth. Dean,you know that I support and understand you and your decisions no mat-"

"Okay,okay,that’s enough." Dean could still remember clearly the first time he told Sam about his ‘bisexuality’. His brother was surprisingly cool about it. Except for that whole ‘Be yourself no matter what’ speech.

"Anyway,I’m not here without a purpose. I came to tell you something." His brother looked excited again,and kind of shy. Dean didn't know if he should be worried at first,but he immediately assumed that Sam had won a case and felt like sharing it with Dean. "Well,invite you,actually," Sam corrected himself, "on a dinner this Wednesday,at my place." Dean was confused. Sam came here just to invite him on a dinner? He asked his brother out loud just the same. "It's kind of important. Is Wednesday okay for you? I checked with Dad,he-"

"Wait." ,Dean blurted. "Dad's coming too?" Now it was getting interesting. Sam deliberately calling Dad on a dinner? That rarely happens.

"Yeah. Bobby,too. And few other people." That was actually good news. Dean hasn’t seen that old grouch Bobby in forever. Work and Cas kinda kept him occupied these days.

But this obviously wasn’t just a regular dinner. "Did you get Jess pregnant,Sammy?" it was only a half-joke. Dean was getting nervous too. Something in his gut clenched while he waited for the answer.

Sam just rolled his eyes,instead. "No!" Dean almost breathed out in relief.  As Sam opened his mouth to speak again,faint blush appeared on his hollow cheeks. "But,there is um- I’m gonna propose to her. Tomorrow. You’re the only one who knows. The rest will find out on Wednesday."

Wait,Sam was getting married? His little,geek,long-haired,moose brother was getting married? A cold rush of emotions soaked him. Dean knew he was being selfish,but he couldn’t stop himself. Sammy was gonna get married and start a family with a beautiful wife and probably many kids,but what about Dean? He’s gonna end up all alone,drinking his feelings in melancholy every single day of his life. Fuck! Sam’s not even thirty years old and he’s got his life all figured out. Dean’s own life was just a vortex of faceless strangers he fucks for the night and familiar faces screaming that he’s not good enough. This was yet another confirmation of that.

When he spoke again,his voice sounded weak and uncertain, "Marriage? Sam,you’re not even thirty years old. How do you know what you want from your life and whom you wanna spend it with?" But Sam did know what he wanted from life,and Dean was just being unfair now. Yet,he couldn’t bring himself to keep quiet.

His brother’s warm smile suddenly disappeared. Instead,Sam’s brows were furrowed and his back straightened. "What the hell,Dean? What kind of a question is that? You know Jess and you know how much we love each other. And I’m not twelve. In case you haven’t noticed,I’m an adult,too."

The worst part is that deep down,in his extremely damaged misshaped heart,Dean actually wanted the same thing. He wanted that ‘white-fence and ‘‘How was your day,dear?’’’ life. He wanted someone he could come home to. Someone whose hug is gonna comfort him and help him chase the nightmares away. Dean wanted someone who would warm his freezing heart in cold nights with their burning love. He wanted a lover and a friend beside him in mutual eternity.

Sammy building something like that would make him so fucking happy ( _Of course it would!)_ \- Sam’s happiness had always been the most important to Dean – but he couldn’t help but feel a sharp stab of jealousy in his gut. Everything and everyone seem to move around him,reaching for something and building their purposes and goals. Only Dean stays in one place,always frozen and empty handed.

"Sam,I- I didn’t mean t-",he was struggling to find the right words. Everything that came to mind sounded far too selfish or pathetic. "I know that. It’s just that I’m thinking about the future. Sam,in a few years your gonna have your own family. Now a wife,then kids. And I’ll be the happiest person for you,trust me. But I can’t help but think that- um,I’m just gonna be all alone and …" His words trailed off. He didn’t even know what he was saying.

"Oh my God,Dean. You’re not gonna be alone. We are a family. You really think I’d ever leave you to be all by yourself?" Sam’s expression looked sincere and full of empathy. "And,Dean,there is still many years ahead of you. There’s absolutely no reason for you to think that you won’t find the right person for yourself,you hear me?" Sam then put his hand on Dean’s slumped shoulder,slightly shaking him. "What is wrong with you,big brother? Shake those thought away from you quickly."

"Man,I don’t even know." He just felt exhausted now. "Sammy,I don’t want you to think that I'm not happy for you. Because I am. And I support you and Jess no matter what,okay? I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful life together. I guess I’m just being a little stupid." Despite everything,there’s one thing he know for sure – he’ll always have his little brother.

"I understand,really. I have my own freak-outs too,trust me." His brother didn’t seem upset at Dean. There was a light smile on his voice,and his voice sounded relaxed enough. "But I do advise you to get your shit together by the wedding ‘cause you’re my best man,okay?"

"Absolutely."

Then Sam let out a little laugh,"Man,Cas really clouded you brain."

"Just shut up. I think you freaked the hell out of him."

"That wasn’t really my intention. I just wanted to make you as uncomfortable as possible. Now go and bring me something to drink!"

 

***

 

He typed the number in his phone as slowly as he could,silently dreading the forthcoming conversation. With nervous disbelief,Castiel realized he knew the number by heart. Another proof of his newfound attachment for Dean Winchester. His insides were fluttering restlessly as uncalled fear wrapped itself around his body,making him breathe a little faster. But he figured his reactions were appropriate for what he was about to do.

_What if Dean thinks you’re needy?_ ,he asked himself for the twentieth time this day. _You’re gonna scare him off like this._ Castiel was aware enough of that. Asking Dean to become his employer would definitely be a big step ahead in their relationship. And possibly a step Dean won’t be ready or willing to take. But,at the same time,he knew that this was his chance. If he wanted out of the agency,there won’t be a better opportunity than this.

Cas sat down one again on his old couch,bringing his knees close to his fast-beating heart,and pressed the button. Unfortunately for him,the phone picked up on the second ring. "Cas?" he heard Dean's muffled voice from the other end.

"Hello,Dean." Castiel tried to sound casual and relaxed.

"Everything okay?" was the next thing he heard from Dean,so he guess his voice wasn't so calm after all.

Running a sweaty hand through his hair,he replied instantly, "What? Yeah,of course it is."

"Good." He heard a smile in Dean's voice. Dean was in a good mood,which immediately put Cas at ease. They were quiet for a minute or two. It was weird that Dean didn't even ask,not directly,why Cas called.

"Dean?" he suddenly broke the awkward silence. "I was wondering..." his voice trailed off. Now that he started the subject,even the slightest pieces of bravery abandoned him. But even if Dean agreed to it,Cas still wouldn’t be completely out of the job. They can talk and laugh and cuddle and be friends,but at the end of the day they’dboth know why Cas was there.

"You were wondering...?"

"Yeah,um…", he ducked his head down to look at his hands. "It's more of a suggestion." Cas made another pause. Just the very thought of not being with Dean ever again filled him powerful sorrow. He couldn’t hurt himself like that. Cas had gotten used to Dean. He became a regular and much needed ingredient in the colorful mixture of his life. For once,there was something that made him genuinely happy. Someone whose company made him swell with gentle emotions and bright excitement.

"Okay." Dean said after a second. "Shoot."

Making up his mind in those few seconds,he took a deep breath and uttered,"I was thinking about leaving Crowley's."

Silence.

"What?" Dean's voice was barely audible.

"I've been under pressure lately," the river of words burst from his suddenly dry mouth. "This has been building for years and I just think now is finally the right time." 

He was talking too fast but Dean seemed to have heard every word,because murmured, "That's good,Cas. I'm glad for you." The tone of his voice was cold and stiff.

Realizing that prolonging all this would only make it worse,Cas swallowed the unpleasant lump in his throat and continued. "Which leads to my suggestion." _And there it comes_. Cas closed his eyes,"I could come and...work for you."

"'M sorry?"

"As in,exclusively for you,like before. Just that Crowley won't be the mediator anymore. Everything else remains pretty much the same." He got to his feet now,rushing in to the kitchen. Cas leaned on the wooden table,gripping the edge with his free hand.

"I don't-I don't know,Cas. Are you sure about this?" Dean didn’t sound angry. Just confused.

_No_ , Cas wanted to say. He definitely wasn't sure about this. "Yes,I think I am." he replied instead. But Castiel just knew that he needed to get away from Crowley and that world. Thinking about it now,he didn’t even know why he decided to work there in the first place. It wasn’t because he enjoyed it,that’s for sure.

When Cas first agreed to become ‘Crowley’s angel’,he was young,lost and all by himself in this cruel twisted world. His uncle had previously died,leaving him no money nor necessary livelihood. Finding and keeping a job was hard,so Castiel ended on the streets pretty quickly. One night,in a shady bar,dazed by a couple of drinks,he agreed to Mr. Crowley’s proposition. Soon the jobs and clients kept coming and after getting rid off his boyish innocence and shame,Cas fell in to a routine. Sure,he thought of quitting often,usually after an especially rough and mouthy client,but just couldn’t get it through. In some twisted bizarre way,hooking became safe. It became the thing he knew how to do – the only thing,really. Cas knew what to expect and what exactly was expected of him. It was familiar. And Castiel never liked changes.

This change,though,was necessary. On the other side,Dean was quiet. _He obviously doesn’t want this_ ,was Castiel’s first thought. The second was, _Maybe he just needs time to think_. Cas could give him that – a few days to think it through. This was,after all,very sudden and unexpected to Dean and he can respect that. "If you w-"

"We could do that." Now this was a surprise to Cas. Was Dean actually saying ‘yes’? He sounded pretty serious,yet not angry nor upset.

"Really?", Castiel couldn’t help but blurt. He didn't need another confirmation,the words were clear. It was just that he somehow expected to be declined.

"Yeah,to be honest," Dean said,and he sounded almost cheerful which made Cas raise his eyebrows, "I don't like your boss."

That made Cas laugh. "You're not the first one." Fergus Crowley was and extremely unpleasant man. Ironically,he’d often describe himself as ‘charming’. Cas would rather use the word ‘sleazy’.

They exchanged a few more friendly words and everything seemed to be just fine between the. It made Cas sigh in relief. "So,good night,Dean?"

"Good night,Cas." Dean said warmly and with a smile in his voice. Cas could just imagine those lovely crinkles appearing by his eyes. "See you tomorrow? And,by the way,sorry about today. My brother was a little out of place."

Meeting the infamous Sam Winchester is without a doubt one of the most awkward situations Cas had ever found himself in. He just felt out place. But he was genuinely and pleasantly surprised by how Dean handled the whole thing. Cas had expected him to freak out and possibly get mad at him. Guess it wasn’t as awkward as it could have been after all.

"It’s fine,really. He seemed really nice,actually." And also extremely tall and attractive. He had to admit that the Winchesters had some good genes. "Do you want me to come by tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I’m free after 9. I’ll call you if anything changes. Nighty night,Cas."

Cas snorted and hung up with a silly smile on his face.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

 

His right palm was freezing cold from the full glass currently situated in his hand. The alcohol loosened his edges a little bit,but he was still completely sober. This was no time for him to get drunk. Dean just needed something to relax the tight grip in which his guts seemed to have curled into. Feeling more confidence and ease by every gulp,he poured himself another glass. The bitter taste of scotch was burning his lungs as it streamed in twisting circles through his whole body.

"Go to the bedroom." His visitor took an audibly deep breath,but still not speaking. Dean heard the floor creek under the other man’s sudden movement. Slow but steady steps echoed through his quiet apartment – his companion obviously reached the desired destination.

Dean wasn't nervous - he was excited. Tonight was supposed to be rather interesting. If everything goes according to plan,that is. It's been a long time since he's done something like this. But he could still remember the pleasure it brought to him and that’s way tonight was special. He wanted to suggest this for a long time,but now it seemed like a good opportunity. Taking one last sip of his liquid salvation,Dean smashed the glass on the table. He ran one hand across his belly,then slowly started walking to the bedroom.

Castiel stood at the edge of the bed,one hand in the pocket of his jeans. He was wearing a dark-blue shirt,unbuttoned at the very top,and Dean could see Cas' collarbone and the soft skin of his chest that disappeared under the fabric. All he could think about for a moment were the kisses he was going to shower it with. His own jeans grew tighter at the thought.

"Well?" Cas asked,lazily taking a step closer to Dean. His expression was unreadable,but he didn’t look too happy. That was completely understandable. Cas obviously didn’t know what to expect. When he came here,Dean didn’t bother making any conversation with him. All he got was a quick order to go to the much familiar bedroom.

But that was exactly how Dean planned it. "Strip." Another short order. He didn’t need to wait long as Cas immediately started unbuttoning the linen shirt. It wasn’t without a reaction his time. Something dark flashed across his intense blue eyes,but it disappeared too quickly,undefined. At the first sight of Castiel’s bare chest,Dean’s stomach growled with carnal hunger. Cas’ skin looked cowed from the chilly air of the room and he gave a slight,barely noticeable shiver. Soon after,jeans dropped to the floor unceremoniously. Hesitating for a moment,Castiel took off his white underwear,now standing completely naked under the predatory gaze. All while Dean stayed thoroughly quiet.

Castiel raised his head,eyes looking up at Dean – confused and a little fearful. After spending some much time with him,Dean was able to recognize uncertainty and panic on Cas’ pale face. Just then,he realized that his behavior may have reminded Cas of all previous times when Dean was angry. _No wonder why he looks so scared_. Cas was probably just waiting for Dean to start yelling or attacking him for no valid reason.

Thinking of ways to put Castiel at ease,Dean let his mouth form a playful harmless smirk. He dug his hand into his back pocket,pulling a very interesting object. The metal felt warm against his hand,as he waved it in front of Cas. "I thought we could try something different tonight."

Realization and confusion battled each other on Castiel’s face as soon as he saw the metal cuffs dangling in front of him. Dean was sure that Cas already had experience with them,which didn’t make him happy at all.

"Is this okay with you?" Dean loved involving cuffs in his bedroom activities. It usually gave sharp edge to his intercourse,exciting him in new,different ways. He always liked a little control play. _Guess it’s family trait_. But just because Dean enjoys it doesn’t mean he’s gonna force it on his partners. If Cas doesn’t like it,they’ll find some other ways to spicy up their sex life.

Cas raised his eyebrows at him. There was another unfamiliar flicker in his eyes and Dean was about to repeat his previous question,but then Cas took another step closer. Now the two of them very only a few inches apart. "Oh? Mr. Winchester," he exclaimed, "never thought you were the type." Then his own face shaped a playful grin.

Dean's smile was now bigger. He closed the distance between them and ducked his head to kiss the other man's neck eagerly. He nipped and sucked at the skin all the way up to the jaw. Cas moaned and caught Dean's hips. Finally,Dean got to his lips,but the kiss only lasted for a few seconds before he pulled away. Cas was looking at him with lustful eyes and he was about to try and kiss Dean again,when Dean raised his hands on Cas' shoulders. Pushing his body until knees bumped against the bed,Dean straddled the writhing man under him. He threw the cuffs on the bed before they climbed over the sheets,up to the pillows. Dean was already hard,and judging by the sight,Cas was too – his well-shaped penis a thin line against his abdomen.

Now,Castiel was laying straight on his back,legs spread wide. Dean was intently watching his body while blindly searching for the cuffs. "Raise your hands above your head," he said gently,voice hoarse from the arousal.

Cas obliged. As Dean came closer with the cuffs,Castiel’s body gave a reflexive shudder,huge eyes filling with silent panic once again. "Cas,if you don’t want this,we don’t have to." Dean never wanted,in any way,to make Cas uncomfortable or worse – scared.

"No,No. I do want this." He gave one forceful nod into Dean’s direction. "Really,Dean. I do. Just put them on me." His gaze was sure now,signs of previous discomfort completely gone. Dean didn’t want Cas to hide his feelings from him or to sacrifice his wishes or tastes for Dean’s sake. He allowed himself a quick gaze to Castiel’s lap,where an impressive erection was still rock hard. _Well,he’s obviously still enjoying it_ , Dean assured himself with relief.

"I promise I’m not gonna hurt you." He intended to keep that promise. With cuffs or without them. Cas was amazing and he deserved respect and security. And from now on,Dean was gonna give him that.

Dean couldn't stop thinking about Cas' call ever since he hung up last night. At first he was hesitant to accept the suggestion,because he wasn't so sure of himself. He was well aware of his temper,just not at the times he's supposed to be controlling himself. And he knew how many times he hurt people around him,people he cared about. Especially Cas. Dean just couldn't allow himself to do it ever again,and although determined to never do so,he already broke that promise to himself once. On the other side,he always felt uncomfortable when it came to transactions or meetings with Crowley. Cas respected their so-called "deal" - no other clients,but it was his boss who bothered him. Crowley seemed like he would find a hole in any freaking deal just for an additional zero on his account. So Dean accepted. And he hoped for his sake,just as much for Cas’,that they won’t regret it.

Dean tenderly slid both cuff rings into place,around Cas' wrist,and he could almost feel his cock twitch when they clicked. "Now,hold your hands like that,don't put them down." ,he instructed. "Can you do that for me,Cas?"

Cas nodded and then said, "Just kiss me already." Any trace of hesitancy was now gone from him.

Dean smirked at the newfound eagerness in Cas' voice. He lowered his head down and pressed his lips on Cas',just giving him a tease of his tongue before moving away again. Cas groaned in frustration. "Uh-uh,hands in place." Dean warned when he saw Cas unconsciously move his body towards Dean. "And no moving unless I say so." He then traced the line of his partner’s jaw,kissing each cheekbone, then slowly biting the shell of Cas' ear. Dean heard a sharp intake of breath and chuckled.

"Fuck,Dean." Cas breathed.

Dean held himself up with his hands,switching his weight on his knees between Cas' legs. His palms teasingly slid over Cas' chest,nipples already hard against his touch. He circled around them with his fingers. They were dark rings against the paleness of Castiel’s torso,so Dean leaned to kiss each one. Darting his tongue,he sucked on the left,then the right,erecting them with his teasing touch. Dean blew some air on the wet skin and Cas hissed once again.

Gently,he scraped with his teeth down the rising abdomen. Cas' breathing was ragged and eyes half-closed. His fists would clench every few seconds but he kept arms in their place. And,damn,wasn’t that a wonderful sight. Castiel was splayed completely at his mercy,unable to move from his seductive touching. Pale skin blushed all over,taking in a lovely shade of pink.

This is what Dean craved for – a writhing,helpless body bound to his own,desperately aching for Dean’s hands or mouth. Such tender surrender to his dominance. Sometimes,Dean just liked to feel like he’s in control. Probably because he rarely got that in life. Everything else was controlled by people above him,his father among first. Dean was just a puppet,with strings attached all over him,allowing everyone to pull to their way in any manner it pleases them. He found that he liked his control best in bed,during passionate interlacements of needing bodies and wet mouths.

"God. Can you just...Dean-",Cas moaned desperately,wanting any friction against his groin.

"Can I just what?" Dean asked as though he didn't already know,torturing Cas who shut his eyes and gritted his teeth instead of answering.

The tightness of his jeans was getting uncomfortable so Dean stripped down until he was fully naked himself. Bottle of lube and a condom package were ready within reach of his hand,on the bed. Desire was burning deep inside and his self-control was fading away. This was going faster than he planned for it to,but fuck if he cared.

Moments later,Dean's finger was teasing Cas' hole. Castiel was about to move his hips when Dean commanded, "Stay still." The blushing body immediately stilled. A shiver of pleasure ran down Dean's spine at the questionless obedience. "Just like that,Cas. You're so gorgeous,baby." Dean murmured. It was true – plump mouth swollen from Dean’s hard kisses and probably from his own biting teeth,eyes a blue fog overcome by utter lust,black hair a mess.

Dean slid his lubed finger inside the tight heatness,up to the knuckle. Cas groaned loudly as Dean lazily pulled it in and out. It wasn't nearly enough to get Cas off,not even when another finger joined in. Dean carefully avoided Cas' prostate,brushing it lightly only few times. Instead,he rubbed the inner walls of the puckered hole,circling them with his digits.

"Please,Dean. Oh-" Castiel was a mess under him,head of his cock leaking pre-come. Dean wanted to stroke it,but he resisted his urge,adding a third finger instead. He looked at Cas through his eyelashes in a way that got him laid so many times. Not that it was questionable now,but still. It didn't leave Cas unaffected. "Just-just fuck me already," he said and whimpered when Dean's fingers brushed against his prostate for the first time.

Dean shook his head. "Soon. Hold on,baby." Dean pushed up to kiss him. Now he allowed it to last,smiling into the kiss at Cas' craving tongue. Dean answered with the same measure,holding the other man's face as their mouth moved against each other. "Driving me crazy." Dean said and pressed their foreheads together. Then he shifted and got to his previous position,between Cas' legs. He stroked his own aching cock before he put the condom on.

"Spread your legs." and Cas did. Dean balanced between them and cautiously pushed inside. The tightness and heat was overwhelming and Dean moaned,savoring it. He heard Cas crying out his name. Dean gripped Cas' hip and pulled out and then back in. He pulled his partner's leg over his shoulder so he could get closer and suck the soft skin of his neck. They rocked like that,in established rhythm,when Dean lifted his eyes. "Look at me,Cas." he requested,and was met with gaze of blue eyes,darker than usual. _So beautiful_ ,Dean thought. Their breathing was harsh and ragged by the time the pace grew bigger.

Dean was determinant not to touch his lover’s cock as he wanted Cas to come from being fucked alone. Not feeling Castiel’s hands around his shoulders like usual was weird,but Dean still liked the control he got from cuffing the other man.

"I'm close," Cas said and inhaled soundly.

Dean encouraged him by thrusting faster and whispering sweet words in his ear. "It's okay. I got you,Cas,come on."

"Dean,I'm gonna-" Cas started but cried out before he could finish. The liquid painted his chest and Dean's hand. Familiar sense of relief was coming to Dean as well,fast and hard. Two,three more thrusts and he was coming inside of Cas. He repeated Cas' name as he rode his way through orgasm,until he was too sensitive and tired to move. He gently pulled out and rolled over,next to Castiel. "Gonna get these off?" Cas mumbled,blinking heavily.

"Hmm," Dean still managed to smile before he made a face at the mess they made. He took his discarded shirt to clean them both up as much as he could. The used condom ended up somewhere on the floor beside the bed.

"I would like to be able to move my hands again,you know," Cas spoke again,voice persistent.

"Second." Dean opened the first drawer of the bedside table and reached with his hand,fumbling with the contents until he felt a small key under his fingers.There it is. He sat up and straddled Cas' lap. It took him a few tries before he managed to unlock the cuffs and throw them carelessly over his shoulder.

"Shit." Cas grunted and massaged his wrist with the other hand. The skin was a little bit red and Dean,not so sleepy anymore, immediately reached out to inspect the marks.

"Does it hurt?" he asked,not lifting his gaze from the obvious lines that were in a much darker shade than Cas' skin. A feeling of wrongness suddenly rushed through. _Maybe the cuffs weren’t such a good idea after all_ ,he thought with dread.

"Not really." ,Cas yawned. "Just need to stretch out a little. I really had much worse than this,trust me."

"Sorry." Dean said and withdrew from Cas' lap,laying back on the pillows again. The thought of being just another guy in line of all other douches who hurt Cas filled Dean with so much disgust for himself.

"Why?" Cas asked and shifted so his head was resting on Dean's chest. Dean hesitantly carded his fingers through the messy dark hair.

"Didn't wanna hurt you." _Again._

"You didn't.", Cas replied easily and Dean could hear a smile in his voice. "I quite enjoyed myself."

Dean breathed a sigh of relief. Cas didn’t sound upset at all. He was wrapped around Dean’s figure,looking thoroughly fucked out,with a content smile on his face. It was funny how much Cas started to mean to him- he became such a significant part of his day,week,fuck - life. His old-self would've reminded him that he was just a hooker,but Dean knew better now.

"So,cuffs,huh?" Cas asked eventually,while he dragged his soft fingers across Dean's torso. "Is there a backstory or you're just a kinky bastard?"

Dean laughed. "A little bit of both." Though he still wasn’t ready to spill his guts completely to Cas. The hooker didn’t have to know that sex was the only glimpse of control Dean had in his life. It wasn’t so much that liked domination. It was just that sometimes he wanted to feel like he’s holding the strings,that he can command something and get obedience in return. That he can actually have the main word about something in his life. No,Cas definitely didn’t need to know how pathetic Dean was.

Now that they got to the topic,Dean might as well ask Cas if he had any experiences or preferences. He probably won't be happy with the answer,although it was absurd to be jealous in their situation. Damn,he was talking as if they were in a relationship. "You have any previous experience?" Dean blurted before he changed his mind.

Cas was obviously surprised by the question,since he suddenly froze and stilled under Dean's touch. He removed his hand from Dean's stomach,as it fell between their bodies. "Do you really want to know,Dean?" Cas' voice was barely audible.

 _No_ ,Dean wanted to say,he wasn't sure he wanted to. Because Castiel was with him,he was Dean's,and he didn't want a picture of another man making Cas moan and sweat in his head. Fuck,did he just say that Cas was his? _Yeah,you only shared him with half of Cleveland_ ,a bitter lot little voice inside of his head shouted and Dean momentarily scolded himself for even thinking of that. "I guess."

"Just remember that you asked." Cas warned tiredly and sat up,avoiding Dean's gaze. The muscles of his back looked well-formed and strong,Dean noticed,just like the rest of his body. His hand itched to reach out and rest against them,to feel their firmness. "Cuffs,toys,stuff like that is pretty much a regular thing for me. But there was this one client,with a special kink of his own. It didn’t go too well."

"What happened?"

"He-he was kind of a regular. And once,he got a little carried away.",Cas lowered his voice,swallowing a visible lump. "He tried to use a knife on me. I guess it turned him on. Nothing bad really happened. Crowley sorted it all out. I never saw him again." Then he let out a sardonic snort. "He even left a small reminder."

"What reminder?"

"I think it was here..." the other man bent his head to look down his left hip. Dean frowned and had to sit up so he could properly see it. His jaw clenched when a pink, slightly puckered part of skin fell into his view. How didn't he notice this before? Or maybe he did,just did not pay attention to it.

"That fucking client did this?" his voice sounded angrier than he meant for it to show. His heart was beating wildly now. Anger rose in his chest and an urge to hit something grew stronger.

"Woah." ,Cas looked at him over his shoulder. "No hard feelings. It was long time ago. It’s fine Dean,really." Making himself calm done for Cas,Dean ran a hand across his tired features. He didn’t even know who the guy was,but he hated him with his whole being. How dare he hurt Cas like that? Dean carefully put his hand over the scar,caressing it and hoping that the gentleness of his touch will erase the previous violence. Cas kept quiet. His gaze was now fixed on the window,though he wasn’t looking at anything in particular. His eyes just seemed empty.

Trying to make him forget about it,Dean changed the subject. "And in private?"

At the sound of his voice,Cas startled slightly,looking a little dazed. "Hm?"

"You know,beside the work,what do you like in bed with your partners?" Castiel’s spine was a hard,tense line. Dean leaned in to kiss his neck,hoping that will relax him. Cas gasped when Dean gently nipped at the skin with his teeth.

"I don't know." ,Cas squirmed uncomfortably. "I never really had something,beside work." Color rushed back to his face,painting him in gentle tones of red.

That statement was a shock to Dean. "Are you saying that you’ve never been in a relationship,Cas? You are gay,though,right?" How a guy like Cas could stay single his whole life was beyond Dean. Cas was smart,beautiful,funny,kind,what else is needed? _Except for the part where he’s been a hooker almost his whole life_ ,a cruel thought formed inside his mind.

There was a brief pause before Cas answered. "No,not really." Should he feel sorry for the guy? Dean Winchester himself didn't have much of a history in longterm or happy relationships. Except for one that didn't get to last. So what does he know about anything,anyway? "Have you?" Cas' voice broke the silence that Dean didn't even notice was there,while being lost in his thoughts.

And there it was. "Define 'relationship'." Dean said as an attempt of humor that Cas didn't catch,because he spun around and cocked his head in question. "One." ,Dean sighed. "Back in high school."

"A girl?"

"Yeah,her name was Cassie. She was a nice girl." I loved her.

"What happened?" Cas' blue eyes watched him, somehow knowing. Because both Dean and Cas were familiar with loss.

"Nothing. Everything." Dean shook his head. "My father." The memory still managed to leave a bitter taste in his mouth. He still remembered the fight with John. Of course,they fought often,but Dad never hit him until then. It didn’t repeat ever after. Still,it was a scar on his heart that never fully healed. And it easily bled with every razor-sharp critique coming out of his father’s mouth. That's when Dean stopped resisting his father's will – it was easier to bend,than to break. Because that would inevitably happen. "We met in school and hit it off really soon. I told her all about my dreams of being a fireman,you know? She was the one who convinced me to tell my father. It didn’t end well. I broke up with her after that. She deserved better."

Cas suddenly took Dean's hand and squeezed it. "Sorry to hear that."

"I never saw her again." It was said with no emotion,but Cas knew better. He let go of Dean's hand and gripped his shoulders instead. Their lips clashed the next second. Cas didn’t offer him any more comfort,probably didn’t know how. But his kiss said everything. It was all Dean needed in that moment and he allowed himself to accept it.

Cas pushed him on the pillows and Dean locked his arms around Cas' back. It was slow,warm and comforting. Dean rubbed his cheek against Cas' and shut his eyes with a contented sigh. He could easily get used to falling asleep like this.

 

                                                                                               ***

 

The strong smell of instant coffee filled the kitchen,clearing his head. Pancakes were set on a plate at the kitchen table,still hot and uneaten. Cas woke up before Dean that morning. He didn't want to wake him,so he had to crawl out of Dean's embrace. Although initially he just wanted to nuzzle closer and sleep some more,his hunger prevailed. Cas was familiar with Dean's kitchen so there was no problem with turning on the stove or finding cutlery.

It was a sunny morning,warm and peaceful. It brightened Castiel’s mood and thoughts. Last night was roller coaster for him. He went from excited to scared to sad,and then all the same again in less than three hours.

And once again,he bared his feelings and deepest secrets to Dean,for absolutely no reason. He’s been dancing on the edge for the past few weeks far too much for it to be safe. He didn’t do this. Cas didn’t go around telling people over what he loses sleep at night and what his darkest fears are. He especially didn’t do it for someone like Dean. If there was any doubt before,it was definitely clear now – his feelings for Dean have longs past the fence of innocent and harmless.

He thought about the conversation they had last night again. Gordon Walker - the psychopath that hired him two years ago. What possessed him last night to talk about Gordon was still unknown to Cas. He didn’t like to remind himself that he ever encountered that scum that never knew how to take ‘no’ for an answer. When he first hired him, Crowley said it was just some ropes and Cas was okay with it. And so it was,the guy tied him down and was being super creepy. His hands were ice cold and Cas wasn't so uncomfortable in his whole life. A few meetings later,he pulled out a knife. " _Just a little cut,angel. You'll love this_." he said and Cas shivered at the memory.

He barely got away from him. Cas visited Crowley the next day,but apparently there was no mentioning of a lawsuit nor police restrainment. He never had to see him again,though.

And when Dean pulled out those cuffs last night,Cas was hit by a painful flashback. Cas wanted to run away,but he found himself trusting him. It was Dean. He wouldn't hurt him. Not anymore. And Dean kept his promise. Soon,Cas forgot all about fear and previous trauma and lost himself in pleasure of Dean’s skilled arms and body.

The sun was already high upon the sky,and Dean should've been awake by now.

Cas was proven wrong when he entered the bedroom. Dean's thighs were covered with sheets,but the rest of his body was naked. His eyes were closed and he was slightly smiling in his sleep. Cas approached the bed and hesitated for a moment,before he climbed on and threw himself on Dean. The other man was startled from his sleep and immediately looked around himself.

"What the-" he started but Cas kissed him before he could finish. Dean's tensed muscles relaxed and he reciprocated.

"There's breakfast." Cas said before he pulled away. He jumped on his feet and walked to the door. He didn't know if he overstepped the boundaries by making the breakfast. Too late to think about that now.

Dean groaned and rolled so he was laying on his stomach. "You friggin' scared me." he mumbled and then raised his head.

"Oh,I’m so sorry." He laughed. "Are you coming?"

"Already did." Dean smirked,mostly to himself,then launched his head into pillow again.

I took a second for Cas to realize what was Dean saying and he snorted in annoyance. "So funny." Cas said sarcastically. Seems like sleepy Dean acts like a drunk one. "Dean,it'll get cold. Get up."

"Don't wanna.",a muffled voice replied. _Great_.

"Want me to bring it here?" Cas suggested.

"Sure,babe." Cas softened at that and got back to the kitchen for the food.

He quickly put it all on a big saucer and brought back to the slightly smelly bedroom. The bed surface wasn't stable and the coffee might spill,but it's not his fault that Dean's lazy ass wouldn't get up. Then,he opened a window wide open,hoping that the fresh air will clear out the smell of sweat and sex. "Sit up or you'll shower in coffee this morning."

"Ya' wouldn't dare." Dean sounded certain as he turned his head from Cas.

"Try me." Cas replied with a wicked smile.

Dean finally sat up and narrowed his eyes at Cas before rubbing them with the back of his hand. They widened at the sight of food,the look he gave Cas after that was softer. "Cas,you didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to," Cas smiled at him and handed him the coffee. He wanted to do something nice for Dean. Something that would make him happy. And nothing makes Dean happier than food.

Dean returned the smile and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek "Thank you."It all felt so goddamn _right_.

Surprisingly,Dean didn't eat as much as he usually does. He took the plates and empty mugs on the nightstand and turned to Cas with a spark in his eyes. Dean crawled to him and put his hands on the each side of Cas' head. A smirk appeared on his handsome face. His lips were suddenly on Cas',and Cas gasped in surprise. A bitter taste of coffee grouted his mouth,as he felt the other man’s tongue dance around his own. Dean's hand travelled over his chest,down his stomach to the soft,but growing bulge in his pants.

"What are you doing?" Cas asked the most stupid question at the moment. He moaned when Dean yanked the zipper down.

"It’s just an idea that's been bugging me since I woke up." Dean answered playfully,not moving his wandering hand away.

"Yeah?" Cas' breath hitched,as the hand found its way inside the tight jeans.

"It kinda involves nakedness." Dean said and bit his lower lip.

"I'm afraid you'll have to demonstrate.",Cas whispered right back,blood filling both his groin and face.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the short delay in posting this chapter,but I had a crazy schedule these days. I sincerely hope this won't repeat.
> 
> P.S. Once again thanks to everyone who left a kudos,bookmark,especially a comment. Or to anyone who took some time to read this story. You guys rock!

CHAPTER 12

 

"I cooked this one myself.",Jess exclaimed as she carried the lovely-smelling meal. It was no surprise to Dean. Jess was a wonderful cook and he was probably the best witness of that. There’s nothing that Dean Winchester loved more than a spicy freshly-cooked beef with some onions. _Or women who prepare it so well._

"Being able to feed your family is another admirable quality that every person,especially a future parent,should posses.",John’s strong gruffy voice echoed through the room as he looked at Jess with an approving gaze. He threw a napkin over his dressed knee and wringed the sleeves of his clear white shirt. The enormous craving for food and drink was a trait that both brothers inherited from their father.

 _Bullshit_ ,Dean thought to himself. As if Dad would know anything about 'feeding' his family. Oh,he did gave the boys money and groceries when they were still kids,but more than once he'd just go _God knows where_ for a few days,leaving Sam and Dean all to themselves. After so many mornings and evenings of eating only cheese,bread and pizza,Dean finally decided to learn how to cook for his brother and himself. It was always Dean. Not John. But spilling bullshit in front of other people was something that his father undoubtedly did best.

Sam and Dean exchanged annoyed glances and Bobby let out a bemused snort. "Don’t save on me,Jess.",the old man joked bringing his chair closer to the full,square table. Now that was a face that Dean was exceptionally glad to see. Even though it was covered with wrinkles,unusual paleness and his ever-lasting beard,it still awoke the feelings of joy and safety in his heart. Bobby Singer was a man in his sixties who always wore a hat and a plaid shirt no matter the occasion and was simply-put a second father to both Dean and Sam. Dean hasn’t seen the older man in a really long time and when he saw him earlier that night, he hugged Bobby tightly the minute he entered the room. There was a flicker of something undefined in John's eyes as he watched the exchange,but Dean didn't dwell on it for too long.

Roger and Lydia Moore,Jessica’s parents,were sitting right across him,grinning from ear to ear. Both of Jess’ sisters – Sophie and Katherine – were there,too. _A small family-to-be gathering._ They really invited a small but appropriate group of people for an engagement announcement. Except that no one knew that yet. But judging by the light smile resting on John’s lips,he was more than aware.

They all ate mostly in silence. Dean thought it was awkward as hell,but everyone else seemed content. Poor Roger and Lydia actually liked John. He was as they once said "A true inspiration and a strong,heroic person." Though,Dean always thought that his father is more a stone than a person.

After making sure that everyone finished most of the tasty food from their porcelain plates,Sam got up. He took a deep breath and smoothened a hand across his muscled stomach. "So,um…" And here it comes. Dean sighed and looked down at the table where his almost empty glass of wine was standing. He could almost feel his brother's eyes on him,so he looked back up again. Sam was obviously nervous,so Dean did the best he could at the moment - nodded and curved his lips in a small,reassuring smile. It felt more like a grimace.

"Y'gonna say something boy or just stare at us dumbly?" Bobby's gruff voice startled Sam and he laughed. Then he helped Jess stand up as well. She smiled and ducked her head shyly. _God,was she a beautiful girl._ Smart and kind,too. But Sam deserved no less.

Sam smiled sheepishly and took Jessica's hand in his. "We have an announcement to make."

 _Can’t he just get it over with?_ "Figured that much." ,murmured Dean,sounding surprisingly normal and relaxed. _That's how it's supposed to be_ ,he reminded himself. Sam shot him an irritated glare. Everyone at the table,even John, laughed at the interaction. Except for Dean,who only managed to huff another breath.

Jessica’s face was covered in shades of innocent blush. Excitement and happiness were clear on her face. "We're getting married!",the blonde exclaimed and grinned,lighting her whole face up.

Dean,looking for a distraction,turned his head around and glanced around the broad apartment. He noticed some new paintings hanging on the wall. Otherwise,it was all the same. Same peach-colored walls and shelves filled with endless rows of books and photos of the happy couple. Same feeling of warmness and family idyll. This actually seemed like a home,with many personal touches and marks of two people building it together. Only evidence that someone was living at Dean's place were empty whiskey bottles and clothes scattered all over.

Dean always thought it wasn't permanent. That he would eventually move out. Deep inside his mind he buried a small flicker of hope. That small part of him still craved someone would come and stay. Someone who'd leave a note on a fridge signed with 'love you' and scold him for not taking the trash out or never washing the dishes. Someone who’d share morning coffee with him or give him a kiss goodnight. Dean thought about it as he watched Sam wrap his large arms around his soon-to-be wife. He wondered if it was too late to go out and find a girl,hell,even a boy and settle down. Would he even know how to live like that? Would he know how to love someone like that? Dean left the question unanswered.

He hated to admit it,but he was getting much too old for one-night stands and how could he even begin to explain the messed-up relationship that he has with Castiel? Now Cas was working for him only,but how long could Dean even allow that affair to go on? Just thinking about not seeing Cas anymore made his gut clench and his jaw tighten. He wasn’t ready to close that door just yet,which worried him. Dean found himself thinking of him every day with a silly smile on his face. Even his co-workers noticed. Many asked him if he was in a relationship with someone and Dean was surprised at his own reaction – he wasn’t bothered at all by the question. Nor the idea itself,in all honesty.

Loud cheering came from all sides as everyone congratulated the couple. Dean however was sitting there and looking straight ahead of him. What the fuck was wrong with him? His little brother was going to get married,another step closer to the life he had always hoped for. And was moping around,feeling sorry for himself. That’s unacceptable. But once you fall into a bad self-pitying mood it’s extremely hard to get out of it,so Dean searched for salvation in true best friend – alcohol. He eyed his wine glass again. "I'm gonna need something stronger." he whispered and got up.

Nobody seemed to notice him missing when he got back after few minutes,with some bourbon and a new glass. He offered a drink to Roger so nobody would question him about bringing it at the table. Both Roger and Bobby ended up with filled glasses. But before they even finished theirs,Dean already drank three shots. When the first dose of alcohol streamed through the insides of his now unstable body,Dean felt his plaintive emotions deaden.

Suddenly a slim curvy figure of Katherine Moore appeared next to his own. "Aren’t they just perfect for each other?" The Moore’s really had some spot-on genes because this sister was perhaps even hotter than the oldest one. She was dressed in a green fluttery dress that made her exotic features – bright emerald eyes and curly brown hair – stand out even more than usual.

Dean and Katherine were no strangers – they shared more than a few heated kisses and groping sessions. Though nothing serious ever happened between them. Sam and Jess tried really hard to ‘pair them up’ as often as possible,but the spark never appeared. "Absolutely.",he answered because,really,what else could he have said? Dean was never the type to pawn over couples or celebrate someone’s love,but it was different with Sam and Jessica. From the moment they met they went steady and surely. There was never room for doubt that they weren’t made for each other.

"So,Dean,how are you?",Katherine went on. "Still single?"

 _Ouch_. Well she really has a rare talent of bringing up unwanted topics into casual conversations. Dean put on his best smirk and winked, "You know me. Always am." If you don’t count weekly meetings with a prostitute he likes very much,that is.

And in that moment John decided to join their little conversation with a typical scold directed towards his eldest son, "Always single and never thinking seriously nor responsibly."

Dean rolled his eyes at Katherine,trying his best to make it all look like harmless teasing. He didn’t like it when John would criticize him in front of other people. Those harsh words and sharp glares are memories that Dean keeps only to himself.

To his relief,Katherine laughed fondly at both of them. "He’s still young,Mr.Winchester. There are many years ahead of him for that." With those words on her red lips and a playful pat to Dean’s shoulder she was gone,leaving Dean to face his father and the storm that was about to come.

John gave the girl a pleasant nod,then let out a mocking snarl. "Well at least one of my sons is making the most of his life." It was said in such familiar,easy way. The fact that those words left his father’s lips so naturally and frequently hurt more than the statement itself. It was as if Dad was just used to feeling disappointed at Dean and his choices. As if he expected nothing more or better.

Dean didn’t answer. Instead,he reached for his glass and took a generous gulp. Alcohol would always drawn his heavy emotions ,but it would also crush his inner walls down,letting free some thoughts he’d never usually think about. It would leave him raw and vulnerable. He opened his mouth to offer an apology to his father. To say that he’s sorry for fucking up everything that was near him or given to him and for never being the person that everyone needs him to be.

But in that very moment,Sam came up to them,completely oblivious to the atmosphere,and whispered excitingly, "Guys I’m getting married."

John immediately turned his head to Sam,giving him a warm smile. "I’m so proud of you,son. She’s a wonderful girl." It was another bullet right to Dean’s heart.

Sam was practically glowing – he hasn’t stopped showing his shiny teeth the whole night. "I know,Dad. I’m so happy."

"As you should be. You’re doing so well." And that was the thing about Dad and Sam – they’d fight all the time,go stormy and harsh on each other,but in the end neither could deny the love John felt for Sam. Dean knew that his father loved him,but the love he gave to his eldest could never compare to the love he had for Sammy. And despite being a grown-ass men in his thirties,Dean felt jealous.

If he hears one more word about how amazing Sam and Jess are,he’ll probably vomit. So Dean did the smartest thing – got out of them room,grabbed the whole bottle of wine and rushed straight to the balcony. It was a fresh,but pleasant night outside. Cleveland looked alive,made out of thousand flickering lights and cheery noises.

The wind caressed the bare skin of his flushed cheeks,sending waves of chilliness through his tipsy figure. He opened the bottle and drank right from it,not even bothering to look for a glass.

Maybe he was acting childishly,but Dean couldn’t help himself. Sure,Sam went to Stanford. Sam was a rather successful lawyer. Sam had a steady relationship for more than five years. Sam is getting married. It was all pretty damn impressive,but Dean’s not doing bad himself. He too went to college. It did take time and sweat to finish it,but eventually he did. He took over Dad’s position at Sandover and despite hating it,he’s doing a really good job there,thank you very much. So maybe he never had a normal relationship that lasted more than a week,but how is that disappointing?

Maybe _you’d get John’s approval and other people’s love if you actually deserved it_ ,a vicious voice inside his head whispered. Not having enough strength or arguments to fight it,Dean let it overwhelm him. He was sure by now that he’s utterly drunk. Dad’s gonna be so thrilled when he sees him like this,but he never expects better anyway.

Coming to think about it,there hasn’t been a person in his life that made him feel good about himself in years. All those endless strangers he fucked gave him short-lived pleasure,but as soon as he’d finish fucking them,he’d just feel dirty and possibly even worse than before.

As he closed his eyes,flashes of baby blue appeared against his eyelids,then followed by a vision plump dry lips and messy dark hair _. Castiel_ ,his mind formed a thought. Castiel made him feel good about himself. Just being with Cas filled him with such childlike joy. When he was with Cas,he would forget all about Dad and his job and every other problem he has,and he’d just lose himself in the pleasure of Castiel’s company and warm body.

It wasn’t even about the sex anymore. He sees stars every time they fuck,but what truly warms his heart are the sounds of Castiel’s laugh. Or the way he’d usually crinkle his noise whenever he’d smell coffee. Cas’ touch lit him on fire and Cas’ tears ripped him to pieces. Cas was the best thing that happened to him in whole his life.

 _Cas is…Cas is perfect_ , he though drunkenly. Forming thoughts was hard now,but the memory of holding Cas in his arms was still clear and bright. He wouldn’t stand losing Cas now. Or ever.

 _I should tell him_ ,Dean opined, _I should tell him how amazing he is._ He never did that that and Cas totally deserves it. Dean reached for his pocket,swaying on his feet a little. Pulling out the phone was hard enough,finding the other man’s number seemed like rocket science. Finally he stumbled upon ‘Cas’ and pressed call. It took more than a few minutes for Cas to answer,so Dean reached for his drink again.

Ultimately,someone picked up the phone and murmured a quiet "Hello?"

"Hiya,baby!" Dean exclaimed,overly cheerful. Just hearing his voice again made breathing seem easier.

"Dean?" Cas sounded confused and sleepy. "Everything alright?" he asked cautiously.

Why is Cas asking such confusing and stupid questions? "Yeah,why wouldn't it be?"

"Well,calling in the middle of the night isn't usual." Cas replied and snorted,then let out a quiet yawn.

 _Oh,it was that late?_ Dean didn't even bother to check the time before he called. He removed the phone from his ear to look at the screen. Indeed,1:22 AM. "Crap,did I wake ya' up?" Dean slurred.

"Kinda.." ,Cas yawned again,this time loudly. "But it’s fine,I guess. Was there something you needed?"

Dean wanted to apologize again,but then he'll talk about something else and forget why he called in the first place. The fog he felt spreading in his brain didn't leave any space for laying this slowly on Cas. "You’re so amazing,Cas,y’ know that? You are so smart and nice and funny. You’re so beautifu-"

"Okay,I got it.",Castiel interrupted him in rush. "Seriously,Dean? What’s wrong with you?" No answer. "Wait! Are you drunk?"

Now it was getting really annoying as Cas kept changing the subject. Dean didn’t wanna talk about himself. He wanted to talk about Cas. He wanted to be with Cas all the time. To kiss him whenever he wanted to and to be able to take care of him forever. Then he found the perfect solution. "Wanna be my boyfriend?" Dean asked and chuckled.

"What?" Cas blurted,sounding downright shocked. "Dean,are you drunk? You are drunk!" Now he sounded a little mad. "Why do you drink so much? It’s not healthy at all and you’re obviously not thinking straight when you are like this."

 _Thinking straight._ To Dean’s drunken mind it sounded absolutely hilarious. Besides,Cas was using too much words. "But Cas," he stretched out Cas' name, "ya' didn't answer my other question."

"Huh?"

"The boyfriend thingy." Dean grinned to himself,trying to hide his anxiety. It was met by silence. "Because I really really like you and I wanna be with you ‘cause you’re amazing."

"So,you wanna be with me because I’m amazing? Makes total sense. Dean,just sleep it off. You’ll feel terrible in the morning." The other man’s voice sounded tired again.

This was all wrong. Dean wasn’t feeling tired at all. He felt more alive than ever. "But I don’t wanna sleep it off. I wanna be your boyfriend." Now he was whining,but his brain stopped working a few drinks ago.

Castiel let out a tired sigh. Some muffing sound could be heard from the other line,but he still didn’t hang up. After a moment of absolute silence he said, "Sure,Dean. I'll be your boyfriend."

"Awesome!" Dean's heart started beating faster in a sudden rush of adrenaline. _Cas,Cas,Cas._ Cas everywhere. Dean is in a relationship. With Castiel. If his feet felt more steady,he’d jump from joy. Overwhelming wave of emotions made him say "Come over my place." Even though he wasn't home,he could get there before Cas. Or better,pick him up. "Wanna kiss you."

"Now? It's the middle of the night." Dean almost pouted,but Cas spoke again, "I’ll come in the morning. You’ll be a mess. And don’t worry,you probably won’t remember anything,and I won’t remind you."

"I only drank a lil' bit," Dean lied,"just a drop or two." He could hear Castiel’s laugh from the other line. It immediately made him smile. He didn't get a chance to say anything else because loud footsteps were approaching and the balcony door were being opened. "I gotta go." Dean said and added softly, "Sorry for wakin' you up,Cas. Sleep well."

"Yeah,you too. Take care,alright?"

"Will do.", Dean replied and the line went dead.

Dean was felt so overwhelmingly happy for the rest of the night that he was able to push John's words and his misery in a dark corner,forgotten.

 

                                                                                     ***

 

Cas found him sprawled over the sofa. Dean's leg was thrown over the right armrest,while his head was resting on the left one. His wrinkled gray shirt had a dark stain on its collar. _Wine_ ,Cas concluded. There was also a bottle of some stupidly expensive liquor at the living room table.

Why the hell would Dean drink himself stupid like this? He told Cas a few days ago that he’ll have dinner with his family,but it obviously didn't go well. Unless this is a usual thing. Castiel hoped it wasn't.

The whole apartment reeked of the heavy alcoholic scent. As always,clothes were thrown all over and the table was filled with plates and glasses. Cas rushed to the window and opened it. Fresh air immediately went inside,making It easier to breathe.

Castiel rubbed a sweaty hand across his sore eyes. When he looked himself in the mirror this morning,he noticed dark circles around them. Cas didn’t get much sleep last night. First Dean woke him up in the middle of the night. Then,he dropped a bomb on him. Cas was well aware of Dean’s drunken state,but his words still left him in wonder. He thought about it a lot after the other man hung up. It was stupid to get so worked up over thoughtless words of a somewhat unconscious man,but Cas just couldn’t stop thinking about the whole idea.

He’d be lying if he said that the idea of being in a relationship with Dean bothered him. It was actually shocking how satisfying it felt to tell Dean ‘I’ll be your boyfriend’. But he also knew that those words didn’t matter. Dean was clearly out of his mind last night and didn’t mean what he said and asked.

Cas walked to the sofa and crouched so he was face-level with Dean. Ignoring the awful smell leaving the sleeping man’s body,he put a tentative hand on his upper arm,just lightly stroking it. "Dean?" Cas spoke softly and shook his shoulder. No response,not even a twitch. Cas tried again but the outcome was the same. Dean was behaving like a statue.

When after many shakes and calls Dean still didn’t wake up,Cas thought of more effective way. He pressed his lips gently to Dean’s dry,slightly parted ones. Few motions of Cas' lips and Dean's eyelids were fluttering. He groaned in pain,probably from the headache he was bound to get,but responded to the kiss so eagerly that Cas was left breathless.

"Hey there." he whispered and moved a strand of hair from Dean's heated forehead,who leaned into the touch with a content sigh. Such an affectionate gesture made Cas wish that Dean was sober when they talked last night. It was a stupid thought. Even if Dean was being serious,would Cas accept? Was he even ready to let someone get so close to him?

"Hi," Dean murmured back and put on a lazy smile. Their noses bumped against each other,so Dean nuzzled them together.

"You okay?" Cas asked with a note of amusement in his voice. Then he felts a hand on the back of his neck,pulling him closer. Their foreheads were now touching,as Cas started caressing Dean’s stubble cheek gently.

"Yeah,you're here." And then there were lips on his own once again. Castiel felt his heart beat fast as never before at those words. Oh,did he fall for Dean Winchester. Hard.

Cas cleared his throat. "Um,why don't you go take a shower and I'll make you some coffee?"

"Sounds good." Dean agreed and tried to sit up. He winced and stretched his arms out. 

Meanwhile,Cas went to the kitchen and put a pot of black liquid on the stove,all while listening to Dean's muttering.

"...shit,like I slept on a freakin' rock," and then the doors of bathroom were being closed.

Now that he was left alone,Cas started breathing in and out to calm himself. He was walking on a minefield and it was about to explode soon. He fucking liked Dean. Heck,he more than liked him. He certainly liked him enough to throw away all his rules and walls and date him. And how was he supposed to keep receiving money from Dean when all he can think about now is doing all this stuff not from the job,but for real? Damn him for even giving Cas this twisted idea. If he didn’t drunkenly mention it last night,Cas wouldn’t feel like Jesus on the cross.

He kept looking at the cup of coffee as if it’ll make all his problems go away. This wasn’t fair at all. Cas didn’t ask for any of this. He was perfectly fine living a life without a guy or a relationship. Maybe it was a little empty,but at least his heart didn’t writhe like this. And this,by the way,can’t be healthy at all.

Suddenly a pair of strong arms locked around his waist. The first instinct was to pull away,but then a gentle fruity scent filled his nostrils and he leaned back against Dean’s strong chest. He was still amazed how domestic and natural this all was,or seemed. And it certainly didn’t do any good in pacifying his crazy thoughts.

He felt hot breath against one of his earlobes,as a soft mouth presses a kiss there. "And there's my charming boyfriend." he whispered and Cas stilled.

Was Dean reading his thought? "You remember that?" Cas frowned. So Dean was just messing with him? At fucking 1 AM? He must have had a great laugh then. And stupid him actually started think about it seriously. _Typical._ "You’re a fucking jerk.",he whispered and tried to pull away.

But those muscled arms locked themselves against his waist more firmly,not letting him escape. "Hey,just stop for a second. What the hell is wrong now?"

Cas still writhed,grabbing Dean’s arms,but the other man was stronger. "I hope you had a good laugh and that it was worth it." Cas just never learns. It was always like this with Dean. You think that it’s all rainbows and glitter,then he shits on you and makes you feel like an idiot.

"You think I was playing you?",Dean’s voice grew louder now. "What the fuck do you think I am? Twelve?" Those words were spoken right to his ear,as both remained in the same position – Cas’ back to Dean’s front.

That made Cas pause. He was more confused than ever. "So you were serious last night?",he asked hesitantly and quietly.

Dean took a deep breath and buried his nose into Cas’ hair. Then he spoke,"I made a fool out of myself last night. And I’m sorry for bothering you. But I stand by what I said. Or asked."

Dean was saying one thing,but the tone of his voice sounded unsure and weak. He obviously didn’t want this. And now he’s stuck with what he said last night. It was actually decent of him,but Cas would never push him into something he didn’t want. "Dean,it’s okay. I understand that you were drunk last night. You had no control of yourself. You don’t want that. It’s okay,really. I’ll just forget about it and we can mo-"

Suddenly,Dean spun him around and pressed him against the counter. Now they were face to face. Dean’s eyes were hard as he clenched his jaw. "No,Cas. I’m not doing this because of pity or obligation or anything else equally stupid you think I am." He put his hands on both Castiel’s cheeks and leaned in closer. Cas could barely breathe. "If I wasn’t drunk I probably would have never asked you that,that is the truth. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want it. Cas,I like you. A lot. I’ve never had feelings like these for someone else,trust me. And it took me time to acknowledge it,but now I am."

It didn’t make any sense. Why would Dean like him? "Dean…n-"

"Cas,last night I realized there’s not a single thing or a person in my life that actually makes me feel good or satisfied. No one,Cas. No one but you.",his voice softened there but his eyes never lost their intensity. "I don’t know how to be in a relationship. Never really met anyone who mattered. But this thing that you and I have is special. And you can’t deny that you like me too."

That was never the problem here. "I do,Dean. Very much so. But how are we even gonna do this? It’s not gonna work out. I know it won’t."

Dean dropped his hand from Cas’ face and put them on his waist instead. "And how would you know that? You’ve never even been in a relationship. All I know is that I honestly don’t give a fuck about anything else except the way that I feel when I’m with you. And I think it’s the right time to say ‘Fuck it!’ and just live. I wanna do something for myself. Something that makes me happy. And that’s you,Cas."

Castiel believed him,he really did,but not everything can be as easy as Dean is putting it. It’s never that easy for Cas. "But like you said,I’ve never been in a relationship. And I’m sorry Dean,but you are no better. I just don’t wanna hurt myself that much when it all falls apart." Cas couldn’t handle another heart-break or another goodbye. Because Cas knew that he could love Dean and he also knew that when the time comes he won’t be able to say goodbye. And he just can’t break himself like that for the second time.

Dean just pulled him even closer. "I know that you’re scared,Cas. And so am I. But think about how good we could be together. How happy we’d make each other. It won’t be easy, Cas,I am aware of that. But not everything in life is. It will be tough and it will be painful. But it will also be beautiful. And the fact that I am the one who’s saying all these things to you is a big enough proof of how special we are. Because you make me wanna be better. For you."

Cas was a wreck inside. He was trembling all over. If he agrees to this now,it will change everything. It will turn his life upside-down and he won’t be able to turn it back again. But he also knew that if he refuses,he won’t see Dean anymore. _Ever._ Yet once again,the thought of completely losing Dean forever made his knees weaken. And it will probably hurt both of them,especially Cas. But knowing that he had the chance to build something with Dean and that he let it slip right through his arms would hurt him even more.

So he said goodbye to sanity instead and thew his arms around Dean’s broad shoulders. "Yes,Dean. Yes,I’ll be your boyfriend." Dean grinned and gripped Cas tighter. Palms ghosted over his back and Castiel shivered in pleasure. They kissed once again,sealing the deal. There were no tongues or teeth involved. It was just their lips pressed together in an almost painful way. Just two people needing to feel each other.

And just like Dean said,it will be tough and painful and hard,but it will also be beautiful. It will be _theirs_.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

''Took you long enough to show up.'' ,muttered Bobby as he let Dean inside his home.

Objectively speaking,Bobby Singer’s home was an ancient house who barely stayed in one peace for all these years. The inside was no better than the outside. Bobby kept it clean enough,but every room was filled with mottled papers and old books that only Bobby found interesting enough to read. Like always,every flat surface of the tiny living-room was covered in thick layers of endless dust. Even the couch and a shaky table,placed in the middle of the room,were extremely old-looking. Dean always joked that Bobby’s house was even older than Bobby himself.

Despite the obvious plainness of Singer’s home,to Dean it will always be a place of happiness and childish innocence. His favorite memories and a lot of ‘firsts’ were made in this very house. From Sam’s first steps towards Dean,to his first deer-hunting with uncle Bobby and fixing his first car. This was Dean’s home,as well. Just as this grumpy,bearded man will always Dean’s family. _Family doesn't end with blood_ ,Bobby Singer once said,and those words buried themselves inside his mind but always echoing clear whenever he felt down.

Old man didn't have a family of his own,never started one properly. He had a wife,Dean remembered,but he never talked about her. She didn't live long enough for Dean to meet her. All he knew was that Bobby loved her deeply and that her death changed him drastically. Dad would often say that Bobby never was the same after her.

The wooden floor creaked under his heavy steps,even under a layer of the brown worn-out carpet. It felt like nothing less but years since he's last been here. But it _had been_ two or three months since his last visit,and it made Dean feel guilty and ashamed. It’s not that he was avoiding this visit on purpose,he just couldn’t find time for it. These last few months have been kind of chaotic for him.

''Sorry ,old man.'' ,he said sincerely. ''They've been draining me at work lately.'' Slowly but safely,Dean was bringing his project to an end,and a successful one. Hell,he was proud of himselfwhich doesn’t happen often. In fact,it doesn’t happen at all. But he was finally able to show everyone (including John) that he was capable and reliable. Even Dick Roman praised him,and the fakeness of his voice was almost impossible to read,if only Dean didn’t know better.

But work wasn’t the only thing that kept him so busy. He felt a warm weight fall upon his stomach at that thought. It has been seven days since ‘The Morning’ and the world hasn’t stopped spinning. Seven days and everything still kept with its pace,unchangeable. Seven days and Dean survived.

Dean and Castiel have been in a relationship for exactly seven days. Thinking back on his actions,Dean wasn’t sure what possessed him to do so. God knows he wasn’t ready for something that big just yet. _I guess I could just blame it on adrenaline rush ._ Except he didn’t need to _blame_ anyone. He meant every single word he told Cas that day. For the first time,Dean was doing something for himself only. And damn if that didn’t feel satisfactory.

It surprised Dean how he wasn’t freaking about it at all. If anything,what freaked him out was how not freaked out he was. They saw each other three times after they became ‘official’ and nothing really changed between them. Well,at first it was awkward as hell because they didn’t know how to act or how free they can be with each other. But just yesterday Dean had dinner in Cas’ apartment where they talked and laughed and gave one another some pretty amazing blow-jobs. It felt …almost normal.

''You here,boy?'' Bobby asked as he sat behind his work table. A pair of reading glasses were placed on top of the frayed covers of a book,next to a half-empty glass of water. The man frowned under his baseball cap - he didn't tend to take off no matter what season or occasion it was.

Dean shook his head and grinned as he sprawled himself on the rather comfortable sofa. ''Yeah.'' he confirmed. ''But really,I should visit more often. _Sandover_ 's no excuse.''

''Wanna hug it off?'' ,Bobby asked with an annoyed expression,but without a trace of malice on his face and it made Dean chuckle.Then he added ''I know,Dean. You should just call and let me know everything is fine,from time to time.''

'You know Sam would call you if a car ran over me or I fell down the stairs.'' Dean replied jokingly while tracing a line of dust on the table. His brother would always sneeze his brains out during their stays here.

But Bobby didn’t find his joke funny at all. Pinning him with an unimpressed look,he asked, ''How are you?''

Dean then took a deep breath,suddenly serious. He’d usually brush off questions like these,always murmuring how he felt ‘awesome’ or ‘never better’,blatantly lying to everyone’s face. This time it was different. He actually felt kind of…happy. For once,everything started to fall into its place in Dean Winchester's life. He was beginning to enjoy his job,his friends were amazing and he was a having a committed relationship for the first time in forever. Dean was reluctant to admit that the last part was probably the biggest reason of his sudden happiness. ''I’m good,really.'',was all Dean said.

And this time Bobby look satisfied with his answer. Bobby’s light eyes sparkled with unspoken joy as he truly believed Dean’s words. And Dean was glad because of the other man’s joy. Out of all the people in his life,Bobby Singer was the one who knew him best. Which means he knew Dean’s every fear and insecurity even without Dean saying anything about it. And Dean knew deep down that Bobby spent enormous amounts of time worrying about him. The old man just knew how to read him. And today he obviously saw Dean’s tranquility and easiness.

''How's he?'' Bobby asked once again. Dean didn't need to ask as he already knew about whom was he asking for. He would always ask him about his father,as if he didn’t talk to him himself every week. Bobby and John knew each other far longer than Dean lived. Their friendship reached its highest point just after the traumatizing fire in the Winchester house. _Nothing better than bonding over dead wives_ ,Dean thought ironically. But that didn’t mean Bobby approved of many John’s actions. John’s parenting was another thing Bobby didn’t approve of,even though he never said so.

''Oh,his usual self.'' Dean said casually. ''Terrorizing people as he goes.'' Bobby was one of the few people that Dean trusted unconditionally,thus he told him many stuff that bothered him. 

''You know,he’s been impossible ever since Sam got engaged. Guess he’s kinda disappointed.'' He left the ‘in me’ unspoken,but Bobby heard it all the same.

His expression was sympathetic as he spoke, ''I know that he can get insufferable sometimes,but don’t be too hard on him. He means well.''

Sudden spike of irritation overtook him. ''Yeah? Well,he’s got a nice way of showing it. He’s not eve-''

''Hey,hey. Calm down. I’m not your father.'',Bobby cut him off,raising one hand to shush him. Dean didn’t even realize that he was almost yelling. ''You don’t have to tell me that. I know John far longer than you do,remember? He can be tough cookie to swallow,but don’t forget that you’re his son. And there’s not a thing in the world he wouldn’t do for you.'' Bobby’s tone left no room for discussion.

Dean rolled his eyes,but stayed quiet. Bobby wouldn’t understand anyway. Not fully. He was aware that Dad always did what he thought was best for his son’s interests,but would it kill him to give Dean a certain praise once in a while? He didn’t even have to praise him if he could just stop criticizing absolutely everything he does.

Not wanting to ruin his unusually good mood,Dean pushed all thoughts of his father in the back of his mind. After all,he’s got a lifetime to deal with them.

Silence stretched out between them,as Bobby gazed him with a bit weary,questioning eyes. Finally he broke the quietude and spoke, ''I gotta ask. What’s going on with you? You look unusually happy,kid. It's giving me creeps.''

''How do you figure?'' Dean asked although he was perfectly aware of both himself and his behavior.

To that Bobby let out a barky laugh.''You're grinning like an idjit and I could freely say you're glowin'.''

They didn’t usually do this. Dean never spoke to Bobby about his ‘relationships’ and he never really showed interest in those. But now Dean felt the overwhelming urge to share the previous events of his life with someone. He was in a fucking relationship that already lasted a week,for fuck’s sake. ''Oh,it's just... _someone._ '' Fuck it,there was no reason Dean should hold his tongue over this. 

''A girl? Last I heard,you had plenty of those.'' _Yeah,but it was a him this time._ Him that drove Dean crazy. This one was pretty special,and Dean was a man enough to admit it.

''Cas,his name is Cas.'' Dean explained to Bobby who arched his eyebrows so high that they almost touched his covered hairline. Dean choked on his glass of water. It was an extremely amusing sight. Obviously didn't see that one coming,although Dean wasn't so secretive about his preference for both women and men.

By the time Dean coughed his lungs out and finished with laughing,Bobby collected himself. ''Well,I'm glad you're feelin'...all those things.'' 

''Oh,Bobby,you old sap.'' Dean said and leaned over the desk to pat him on the shoulder fondly.

He made a face at Dean. ''Shuddup'.''  But yeah,Dean knew what Bobby wanted to say. He obviously had the other man’s support. Bobby did always have trouble with expressing he feelings through words,and Dean was no better,but the point came across loud and clear.

A big wave of affection flood over Dean's body. _Yeah,almost everything fell into its place._

***

If there was one word Cas had to choose to describe his thoughts on relationships,it would be abstraction. At least that’s what it was until a week ago. He always thought that being in one of those was just not meant for him. Cas couldn’t have imagined himself being with someone,spending days in someone else’s embrace while sharing his fears and deep secrets in hushed voices,all while giving and making love to another person. Except that now he was in one and it wasn’t all like that.

Honestly,it didn’t feel any different. They still saw each other in the same amount as they did before and the sex and conversations stayed pretty much the same. The only thing that wasn’t as before,and it made Cas feel much more relaxed,was payment. He was never really comfortable receiving checks and money from Dean and this change was a true relief to him.

But it didn’t go as smoothly as everything else had. They were watching TV together that day when Dean suddenly turned to him with big eyes and started apologizing for not mentioning the issue sooner. Dean had then realized he had left Cas pretty much unemployed. Then things turned really uncomfortable because he offered to keep paying Castiel,which was really fucking offensive and Cas went crazy. Then Dean started apologizing once again for being so awful and thankfully never mentioned it again.

But the issue of Castiel’s unemployment still stood. He did have savings and both Dean and Crowley always paid him generously,so it wasn’t urgent just yet. But,it won’t last for more than two months. Still,that’s plenty of time for Cas to figure something out. He won’t really have much choice. With no college nor experience,and with prostitution as only previous job the list of new possible professions will be pretty small and poor. The idea of drawing and being involved with art never truly left his mind,but it seemed far away now. And he was too old and experienced to allow himself those pipe dreams.

But he couldn’t ignore the fact that when he looked in the mirror the reflection he saw was too bright to be his. His blue eyes were glowing and he noticed the ache in his now often colored cheeks from smiling so much. He was actually happy. Cas didn’t know how he allowed himself to be so reckless and stupid,but it happened anyway. Dean Winchester had him completely smitten and he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to ever stop feeling that way.

Castiel still felt moments of fear – fear for his heart or possible rejection but the need for Dean was so much bigger. It made his heart beat a little too fast and made him blind and deaf to reason and sense,but it also made him happy like never before.

Honestly,this was the best week of Castiel’s life. They didn't need a reason to go out together anymore nor an excuse to hold their hands. At first,he was wary. He didn't know if Dean was comfortable with being in public,in front of people,where anyone could see them. Castiel was just _slightly_ surprised when Dean had no problem at all kissing him in the middle of the street.Sometimes,he would feel the bright green eyes watching him thoughtfully. Or Cas would shyly look away from Dean at the restaurant and feel a nudge at his knee under the table. What Castiel most enjoyed were the hours they spent on Dean’s couch and in front of the TV. Dean always snuggled closer,resting his head on Cas' shoulder,although he would never admit he was a cuddler. They didn't speak,just shared kisses and tender touches. It was almost _domestic_.

On the eight day of their new blossoming relationship,they went for a walk around the city. Dean got out of work early,so they decided to visit a coffee shop near his boyfriend’s workplace. Cas passed the huge Sandover building a couple of times ,but never managed to stop and admire its size or architecture. Dean barely spared it a look,it wasn't anything unusual to him since he spent most of his hours there,but was glad to talk about how much of a douche and creep his boss was. Judging from Dean’s stories,Dick Roman made Crowley look like a little angel.

As the warm content of Castiel’s cappuccino settled in his bowels,Dean slugged an arm around Cas while walking out of the shop and back into the street. They both walked in pleasant silence,surfing their way through the hurrying crowd. When they were about to cross the street,an unknown voice broke through the traffic noise an called out ''Dean!''

Turning around at the same time,both looked around at the source of the voice only to spot a petite girl walking towards them. She appeared to be in late-twenties with noticeable red,curly hair and wide eyes. Cas then noticed a male standing next to her and was surprised by his style and appearance. He was obviously older than the girl,dressed in black and what seemed to be an attempt of a rock-band style with wild hair covering his pale face.

Cas was still frozen,weirdly angled towards Dean,waiting for his reaction. The other man did nothing to move his hand away or take a step back from Cas,and it warmed his heart a little bit. But not enough to calm his nerves down.

''Hey,Charlie. Ash.'', Dean greeted them when they were close enough they could hear them. There was a warm,uncertain smile on his face,but his eyes were nervous and looked in panic.

''Don’t ‘Ash’ me. Man,didn't see you he whole week and we share the floor.'' _Ash_ ,Cas supposed,said. He stretched his arm out to hit Dean on the shoulder playfully.

The girl,on the other hand,was doing nothing to hide her intense staring at Cas’ direction. It made him feel even more uncomfortable. ''Guess he was probably busy with something.'',she grinned at Dean who rolled his eyes in that older-brother way. ''Or someone.'' Cas could nothing but blush and look down.

''Charlie.'' he said in a warning,but still not moving his hand around Castiel. If anything he gripped a little tighter. Dean probably wasn’t ready for public announcement just yet. And Cas completely understood him.

''What?'',the girl asked innocently,but her mouth was forming a playful smirk. ''Will you introduce us?'

''Uh,yeah.'' he looked at Cas as if he saw him for the first time,uncertainty back on his face. ''This is,um,this is Cas...my boyfriend.'' Despite his expression,Dean’s voice sounded surprisingly firm.

And that’s when Cas’ heart skipped a beat. This was obviously huge. He watched many romantic movies. And even though he didn’t really enjoy nor like them,he learned some important love lessons. One of those is that meeting your emotionally closed-off boyfriend’s friends was a big deal. Cas had to admit that he actually really liked this. It made them seem even more official.

''What the hell,Winchester? When were you planning on telling me this?'' Charlie put one hand on her hip,looking annoyed.

The other guy,Ash,just looked Cas up and down,while nodding his head in what seems to be appreciation. ''Good job,man.'' And Castiel was grateful,even though it was too forward and free.

''Wait,'' she suddenly stopped and squinted at Dean,blurting, ''Cas,Castiel? The prostitute?'' 

Cas quickly looked around,hoping that no one caught the last sentence. But it didn’t matter – the citizens of Cleveland clearly weren’t interested in this conversation.

''Charlie!'' His boyfriend went pale in the face and started stuttering over his words, ''He's not-I mean he is,no,was...''

What the hell? Dean told them about him? He seemed to go into details,since they know about the prostitution part. Cas didn't know what to make out of it,but he didn't have enough time anyway. It was Ash's turn to start shouting. ''That’s really cool,man!'' he exclaimed.

After that it got surprisingly quiet. Dean’s mouth formed an authentic ‘O’ as he silently gaped at his friends. Charlie,on the other hand,was smiling knowingly at both of them while Ash nodded,once again,in Cas direction. Cas sighed. Knowing that Dean won’t do anything to make this encounter less awkward,he stepped forward and extended a hand at the odd pair. ''Hello,nice to meet you.'' 

''Hi.'' Charlie smiled apologetically. ''Sorry,I can't shut up sometimes.'' 

''You can _never_ shut up.'' ,Dean muttered and he seemed to gave got to his senses.

''It's okay.'' Cas assured her with a smile of his own. Well,he wasn't going to lie about his profession now. Or what he _used_ to do. And those two obviously didn’t mind it nor were gonna judge him for it.

''Hey,wanna go and grab a drink?'' Charlie suggested,already looking around and searching for a bar. Cas was fine with meeting Dean’s friends but he wasn’t so sure about hanging out with them. Not that he had anything against Charlie or Ash (or anyone else for that matter). It’s just that he never coped well in company of others. That has been a habit of his since childhood – he gets really shy and uncomfortable around unknown people. That had prevented him from expending his circle of friends,leaving him with only one.Well two,if you count Dean.

It was the same when he was a kid,too. The only person who considered him a friend at school was a loud noisy boy named Uriel. Other kids just didn’t find Cas interesting enough. Mostly because he usually kept quiet and never approached any of his colleagues. Uriel once found him sitting in the school yard all by himself and decided to befriend him. And even though he liked to yell at him a lot and made Cas carry his bags for him,it was still nice not being all alone for a change. He last saw that boy on a sleepover at Uriel’s house. That’s when the terrible news of his family’s passing became known to Cas. After that,Cas moved away and never tried to contact Uriel again.

''Actually,we were heading back home.'' ,Dean said and put an arm over Cas' shoulder. He rubbed the back of his neck with the other.

''C'mon,it's Friday! And we haven’t seen each other since forever.''

Dean searched for Cas's approval with wide questioning eyes and Cas,at loss for words,just curtly nodded. ''Yeah,alright.''    

'' _Tree House_ sounds fine?'' Charlie asked,not waiting for an answer. Dean gave the confirmation anyway. ''Then see you later bitches.'', she said cheerfully  and walked past them with Ash. They continued walking down the street and talking about some servers and things Cas did not understand,right after he heard Ash asking ''I'm invited too,right?'' Cas wondered if these two were a couple,but was too shy to ask Dean. That wasn’t really his business.

''Sorry about that.'' Dean whispered when they were left alone. He entwined their fingers and searched with his eyes for the shiny Impala parked on the sidewalk at the opposite side.

''Nothing to be sorry about. Your friends are nice.'' And it was the truth. A little weird,but nice nonetheless.

''We don't have to go,you know.'',Dean said carefully. It threw Cas off. He thought Dean was comfortable with the idea of being public with Castiel,but guess he was wrong.

Something must've shown in Cas' eyes,because Dean started explaining in the next second with a regretful look on his face, ''Baby,it's not you,of course it's not you. I just don't want to make you uncomfortable. And those two can be difficult sometimes.''

''You won't.'' Cas answered firmly,as a stone fell from his heart. ''Besides,I guess it will be nice meeting your friends. Since you already had the pleasure of meeting mine.''

Dean gave a stiff smile at the mention of Gabriel,then squeezed his hand a little tighter and mouthed, ''You're awesome.''

 

***

 

''Hey,Cas?'' ,Ash leaned in and spinned his beer bottle. ''How much does it cost?''

The night wasn't so disastrous as Dean thought it would be. Not that he doubted his friends,of course not. Charlie and Ash were on that short list of people he could actually trust. But sometimes they would,purposely or not,get him in rather embarrassing situations.

Up until now,that is. Dean quickly gazed at Cas,watching his reaction and getting ready to step in any minute. He hit Ash's knee under the table as hard as he could (causing the whole table to shake) and scowled at him. But Cas only raised a questioning eyebrow and said, ''Depends on the service.''

Dean didn’t feel comfortable discussing Castiel’s job with his friends,so he quickly tried to set up a totally different topic. But since his dizzy brain refused to cooperate,the only thing he came up with was, ''Okay,that’s enough. Let’s talk more about me.''

Cas seemed to enjoy their night out,judging by the laughter and the easy smile that never left his face. Dean was relieved. He really didn't want to make Cas uncomfortable,he doubtlessly went through that enough over the years. The way Cas looked at him earlier that day hurt. Like he thought Dean was ashamed of him,it made Dean sick to his stomach. If he hadn't shown Cas how much he cared about him until now,he had to try even harder to prove it. Because Dean wasn't going to give up no matter how long or what it took.

They were both broken in a way – the weight of life scrunching their shoulders. Decisions and people impacting them and creating men they are today,grasping desperately,passionately for each other. Dean needed Cas,not just in a physical way. Cas was the one to understand him,he didn't just pretend to. And he will be there for Cas,Dean was determined. 

''There’s really nothing special to talk about,right Cas?'',Charlie nudged his boyfriend with one elbow while sneering playfully at Dean.

Cas turned to Dean then,looking at him with twinkling eyes. ''Oh,I don’t know about that.''

Ash took a sip of his drink and raised one hand pointed at Cas. ''Now,Cas,I have trick question for you. Listen carefully.'',he winked and continued, ''Describe our dear friend Dean Winchester in three words.''

''And you couldn’t have thought of anything better? Come on!'', Dean shook his head and laughed. ''Here’s a little help for you,babe. Amazing in bed.''

It was now Ash’s turn to laugh. Cas raised his eyebrow once again and Charlie just booed him while patting his shoulder.

''I might add ‘modest’ as well.'',Castiel mocked him. ''Can I use four instead of three? Because I think ‘All bark,no bite’ is something that describes Dean perfectly.''

And this evoked more laughter from the group and it earned them a few looks from other guests,but they weren’t affected by them. Dean smirked at Cas,giving him a silent promise of later payment for this cheeky comment. _I’ll show him how Dean Winchester bites._

They way Cas said those playful words,in that low husky voice of his,followed by a challenging smile,made his dick twitch in interest. If only they were at Dean's apartment,so he could strip him down and fuck him long and hard until he was a whimpering mess underneath Dean. Now he was definitely horny,in the middle of a bar. Quite a crowded one,too.

Suddenly he felt a warm hand fall upon his upper thigh,squeezing lightly. Cas’ hand then explored the area,soon reaching the center where a noticeable bulge forming. Cas stilled for a second when he felt,then slowly wetting his lips,he cupped the half-hard dick and started rubbing it. Discreet for others not to notice,yet enough for Dean to grip the edge of the table.

But the hand abruptly moved away,returning to lay across the other man’s lap. Dean allowed himself one brief look at Cas,who was now grinning smugly and cruelly,apparently not affected by his previous action at all. Dean almost whimpered at the loss. _What a little tease._ He took one deep breath and tried thinking of Bobby in latex,which seemed to have worked since the bulge slightly fell. But the arousal wasn’t completely gone. And oh,will Cas pay for this,too.

His boyfriend (and damn it was satisfying to call him that) was now involved in what appears to be a deep conversation with Ash. And Dean was so glad that Cas was able to relax himself to enjoy the night like this. At first he was quiet and stiff,but his friends obviously did something right.

Soon he became aware of a pair of big eyes looking at him,so he turned around in Charlie’s direction. She was smiling at him in a way still unfamiliar to Dean. It almost looked like she was proud. "What?"

The redhead let out a quiet laugh. "Nothing. " Dean just raised his eyebrows,not buying into her answer. "You just…",she shook her head, "You look happy. It’s nice. That’s all."

"And how is that different than my usual self?" He was lying now. The truth is that he was different,happier. But he won’t go around admitting it to everyone. Apparently,he didn’t have to,though.

"Oh,believe me,it’s much different." She brought her face closer to his own. "Don’t like at me as if that’s such a bad thing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this. And I have to admit that I’m kinda proud."

Dean let out a snort,but nodded his head in gratitude. Hearing those words will never not feel good. Mostly because he hears them so rarely. And if he does,they’re usually not pointed at him.

''Babe,you okay?'' Cas abruptly turned to him,pulling off the worried expression. There was a spark in his eyes,a promise. Almost as if he was reading Dean's mind. _Not so unaffected,after all._ He was probably hornier than Dean right now.

He wanted to make Cas pay for the shameless teasing,but there’ll be plenty of time for that at home. "I'm a little dizzy.'' ,Dean played along. ''Maybe we should get going,huh?''

''You drank two beers...'' ,Charlie said,wrinkling her nose and then widened her eyes at Dean's pointed look. ''Oh.'' ,she covered her mouth and turned to Ash,murmuring ''They're going so they can have sex now.''

They all laughed carelessly,and even Cas chuckled while taking Dean by his hand,standing up. Charlie gave him a hug,then grabbed Cas by his shoulders and dropped kissesto both his cheeks,commenting on how cute he is. Ash and Cas shook hands,exchanging polite goodbyes.

Dean reached out for Ash’s back to pull him for a quick hug and his friend leaned a little closer. He brought his mouth to Dean’s ear and whispered,"I like this one. He’s a keeper. Take care of him,okay?"

"I will give my best.",Dean promised and wrapped an arm around the black-haired man,opening the door.

''See you around,Cas.'' Charlie yelled warmly after them. ''And see you in Hell on Monday,Dean.''

Castiel placed his arm on the small of Dean's back,leaning against his side. The chilly air of the night hit their flushed faces as they got out and cleared their heads a little. The parking lot was nearly empty and strangely quiet. "Got me all worked up in there,you know.'',Dean said slowly.

''I know.'' And Cas looked incredibly smug. It was actually a really hot look for him. Dean gave him a fake glare,and Cas continued, "What? You don't want me to take care of you?"

"No,God." ,he widened his eyes. "I want to. I really want to."

"Then hurry up." Cas laughed and started running,pulling Dean with him.

Dean could get used to nights like this. Actually,he could get used to life like this,he realized. He ran through the rows of cars with Cas, _his Cas_ ,throwing all of his worries in the wind and just enjoying the moment.


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

Giving the smooth glass one last glance,he put it next to the pile of other washed dishes. It was his last one for day. Cas grabbed a rag and dried his water-covered hands. Trickster was surprisingly empty,which didn’t bother Cas in slightest. His first day went surprisingly smooth thanks to that. Few usual guests were seated by the bar,drinking in silence. It was an atmosphere quite unusual for a bar,but yet expected considering that it was still afternoon. 

Gabriel was sitting on a wooden uncomfortable chair,smiling at Cas. He took it as a good sign. _The boss was satisfied_ ,Castiel thought jokingly. 

Not having anything else to do,Cas crossed the distance between them and sat across Gabriel,smirking playfully. "So,how did I do my first day,boss?"

Gabriel laughed at that. "Good enough to come back tomorrow."

Cas let out a small snort,but still nodded thankfully at his friend. It’s been weeks since he quit ‘Crowley’s Angels’ and just now he managed to find a job. Castiel tried before, _he really did_ ,with many different jobs,but without any luck. Either they didn’t want to hire him because of his lack of experience (which he knew was gonna be a real problem) or they just weren’t looking for new people (which took him by surprise). And when Gabriel,for a thousandth time,offered him a job as a waiter in Trickster,Cas really had no choice but to accept.

"Thank you." he said sincerely. Gabriel had stuck his neck for Cas so many times already,and Castiel was really starting to feel bad about it. Because Gabe never asked Cas for help nor favors,yet he asks all of that from Gabe quite often. It wasn’t fair to his friend.

"Don't mention it.",Gabriel replied,shrugging one shoulder. "I feel kinda relieved now,honestly." And it made Cas feel so much worse. "Wait,why are you making that face? What is it?"

Cas sighed tiredly. Not only was he using Gabriel,he now was worrying him as well. _What shitty friend I am._ "I just… I feel like a terrible person for doing this. You already helped me so much."

The expression on his friend’s face was a mix of surprise and annoyance. "Don’t even go there. I’m your best friend and that’s what friends are for anyway,right?"

"But I’m such a shitty friend to you. You gave me so much,Gabe,and I gave you nothing in return. Nothing except my whining and my problems and the pleasure of my awful company."

Gabriel’s face darkened as he furrowed his brow. "So that’s what friendship is to you? Giving and taking? Oh,come on,Cas! You needed help. I was the one able to provide it. End of story. And you don’t need to _give_ me anything in return,except stop talking shit like that,okay?"

"Okay.",Cas confirmed weakly,still not convinced. In that moment,he promised himself forcefully that from now he’ll give his best to be a better friend to Gabriel. And at least try to give him all the love,support and help Gabe had given him. It’s the least he deserves.

And because Gabe knew him too well,he also probably knew what Cas was currently thinking about."Hey,remember that month when my lovely ex-wife left me? I was pretty fucked up. And I didn’t really have anyone. No one but you. And you put up with me and all my drinking,moodiness and self-pity,right? In my book,that makes us pretty equal." Then he gave him a warm smile.

Cas happily returned it while certain warmth was spreading inside his chest. He should actually take a few minutes each day to thank God or whatever mighty power there is for sending him to this bar that night,thus allowing him to meet Gabriel. 

Suddenly a phone buzzed,startling him from his thoughts. It was his. He slid it out of his jeans pocket and unlocked the screen. He knew this number by heart. 

_ Everything went okay,baby? _

It drew out a smile on Castiel's face,while his already warm heart melted. It was still hard to believe that Dean thought about him during the day or took time to call or text him. Cas remembered him mentioning once that he "wasn't much of a boyfriend material",accompanied by a laugh. But Cas knew Dean was serious,just hid it under a fake smile Cas learned to recognize long time ago. But right now he was proving both himself and Cas wrong. 

Cas knew that Dean doesn’t think highly of commitment. While they never talked about it,Cas managed to catch that in some of his comments and reactions. Understandably,it scared him. Now he wasn’t looking to settle down just yet,but he was taking this relationship seriously and was hoping that Dean will do the same.He didn’t want to be just another in line of Dean’s partners that he forgot or never cared about. Cas wanted this to last.

_ Yeah. Miss you,though. _

"Is there anything you'd like to share with the class?" his friend asked suspiciously. He leaned across the table and intently fixed his gaze on Cas. So,his silly smile didn’t go as unnoticed as he hoped it would.

Playing fool is something Cas seemed to be good at. "You mean my hopes and dreams? You know I've always wanted a pony."

"Pony can't send a message."

Cas laughed, "So you noticed that,huh?" Another message . 

_ You,too. x  _

_ Well,that’s progress _ ,Cas thought. Dean wasn’t much of a guy for big or romantic words. Except for that little speech in the kitchen that still made Cas emotional when he replays it in his head. If Cas would say something what people might consider as ‘romantic’,Dean would usually just give him a kiss or murmur awkwardly  "Me too". Cas was aware that Dean still struggled with that kind of stuff,but he was also aware of Dean’s honesty. Even though he wouldn’t come clear and say it like Cas does sometimes,he still knew that Dean stood by those little murmurs and truly meant them.

_ Just one kiss? _

"With the way you’re smiling right now,it was impossible not to notice,really."

Castiel hasn’t told Gabe about his new relationship yet. He hasn’t really told anyone. Though,he wasn’t so sure about Dean. The meeting with Dean’s friends,who apparently knew all about Cas,truly surprised him. In a pleasant way,actually. But Gabriel was still only and the closest thing he had to family. Cas should tell him,it's been a month already. There was no reason for Cas not to share the reason of his happiness. "What,a man can't receive a message from his boyfriend?"

Gabriel almost spit his beer out. "Excuse me," he said, "I thought I heard the word 'boyfriend' thrown somewhere."

Cas rolled his eyes. "Yeah,you did. You look...surprised."

Gabe huffed at the comment. "Well,the fact that _you_ have a boyfriend is kinda surprising to me,no offense. But what I find really surprising,and a little insulting,is that you’re just _now_ telling me about it."

Cas nodded in understanding and agreement. "I am really sorry about that. I just needed to some time." _Some time to make sure Dean truly meant it._ Always expecting the worst or not believing in anything that comes to him the easy way was one of those bad habits Cas couldn’t get rid off. And maybe he didn’t want to. If you always expect something bad,then the inevitable disappointment won’t hurt so much.

"It’s okay,I understand. You know you have my support and shit." Gabriel turned serious now, "If he's treating you well."

"He is."

"So,tell me more about this new boyfriend of yours." He placed a hand under his chin and bathed his eyelashes. "Who is he?"

"Dean." and just his name made Cas smile. They truly were in a good place right now. 

Gabriel stilled. " _The_ Dean?" When Castiel confirmed,his friend hurriedly continued, "Are we really talking about the same Dean here? Because I'm thinking of the one that made you more miserable than I've ever seen you,the one who did everything but treat you right."

Cas almost flinched at the sharpness of his voice. Oh,he remembered. Gabe didn't really meet Dean in appealing circumstances. But Dean also came that night and sincerely apologized,even bringing flowers to Cas (which was ridiculous,but also kind of sweet). And look at where they are now. "It was all a misunderstanding,Gabe." ,he said tiredly. "I wouldn't be with him if he were like that. Dean is good. More than I ever hoped for."

" Cas,I don't want to ever see you like that again. Otherwise I'm gonna kick his tight ass up."

Just then another message came."Speaking of ass…",Cas giggled.

_ Oh,just a prelude for what awaits you tonight. _

"Oh,come on," Gabe groaned "quit sexting in my presence!" He made a disgusted face and crossed his arms. "When could I have a word with Dean,Cassie?"

"Let's see," ,Cas hums thoughtfully, "never." Gabriel glared at him,so he continued, "We’ll see. You will meet him,this time properly,I promise. Again,thank you,I really appreciate this,Gabe.This and everything else."

"It's nothing,Cas. I'm just glad you finally reasoned yourself. It took you a few years,but hey." Gabe shrugged and smiled.

"Mhm. Well,I should really go now. I did my shift good,right boss?" Cas came near his friend and hugged him. Gabriel returned the hug,patting Cas's back firmly.

"You bet you did. Anyway,what are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing special. I’ll be at Dean’s place,I think." He knew that Dean has some sort of a family dinner,but that he’ll be free later. So they agreed that Cas swings by the apartment around 10. Thinking about it now,Cas realized that he spends most of his free time with Dean. Mostly,though,they are in Dean’s apartment because it’s the most familiar and comfortable environment for both of them. They spend time in Cas’ apartment as well,but Dean’s always a little awkward about it. He kinda turns really shy and hesitant when he’s there,which Cas finds really adorable,but that’s not really his Dean.

And he quite enjoyed his boyfriend’s company. They somehow unexplainably fit together. They always had subjects to talk about,they found the same things funny and their bedroom life was blossoming.

And just as Cas was about to close the door behind him,he heard Gabriel call out to send his regards to Dean. Cas would've laughed at the "hidden threat" in his tone if he wasn't rushing down the street, excitedly holding onto Dean's promise for tonight.

***

For a thousandth time tonight,Dean pretended to be fascinated by the tasteless patterns of the enormous tablecloth in front of him. And he was quickly becoming a pro a that. It was,after all,better than looking at the people currently present in his company. But he should have known better than thinking he’ll be left alone for more than a minute.

"So Dean,are you living alone?",Suzanne Braeden asked. She was a persistent bony woman with red dyed hair and calculating green eyes,and apparently very interested in anything Dean-related.

Well,yeah,he's thirty-two and has a job. If he didn't move himself seven years ago,John would have throw him out without so much a sweat. Okay,maybe Dean was overreacting,but he was so damn irritated and mad. This wasn't actually about Dean living by himself,but _who_ was he living with. It seemed that Mr. and Mrs. Braeden were into the idea of Dean and Lisa dating as much as John was. And wasn’t that just great?

How pathetic it was,having parents drag them to a dinner,hoping they would get married and have a dozen of kids. And they say America is a free country. _I have a boyfriend,_ Dean wanted to shout,no matter the consequences. 

He hoped his father forgot about this by now,even Dean did. But no,his father had to call him yesterday and talk about this being Dean's chance ‘of finding love and peace he truly needed.’

Dean wasn’t quite sure on which side Lisa Braeden was on. Sure she was smiling all night and was somewhat flirtatious towards him,but it could be because of her psycho parents. Although,Dean had to admit she was a lovely girl. Very attractive,too,with her dark brown hair falling in soft curls around her slightly tanned face. And that bright red lipstick accentuated her full lips and was doing wicked things to Dean. If they ever saw each other under different circumstances,Dean would have probably hit that without thinking.

"Uh,yeah,I have an apartment in the south part of the city." he replied squirming in the chair. Suddenly the dark blue tie he was wearing felt suffocating,so he reached out and loosened it just to get some more air. 

This restaurant  used to be such a pleasant place for Dean,but now the walls around him were closing and making him feel slightly trapped. Dean was feeling uneasy ever since he got here. Main cause was already known,but there was something more to it. Maybe because he missed Cas. God,only few hours passed and Dean already missed him. _Only two hours and then you’ll be able to see him_ ,he consoled himself.

''Yes,I know he's lonely out there,but he just can't seem to settle down.'' ,John said in his gruff voice,and Dean almost huffed a breath at that. Why the hell didn't he just tell the truth and get this over with it. It would probably bring him too much trouble,but the look on John’s face when he’d hear that his son is dating a former male prostitute would certainly be priceless. Too bad Dean doesn’t have the balls to actually do it.

''How's work,Dean? You holding up to John's reputation?'' Paul Braeden was a man in his sixties. His ginger beard was streaked with some grey strands ,as well as his hair,and heavy glasses were seated on his hilariously pointy nose. If he weren’t so set on the idea of Dean becoming his future son-in-law,Dean would’ve probably liked the guy.

''Doing my best,sir.'' Dean answered stiffly.

''He just finished a project with _Parker's._ He should only go up from here.'' John immediately added. _Should._ Dean stopped listening from there,turning his attention elsewhere.

For most of the time,he was just smiling politely,without his usual flirting involved. Including Lisa. He's actually talked to her most and she was charming as ever –smart and funny. _Your first real crush,Winchester._ That thought made him remember the time she kissed him in front of her house,while they were playing and were still too small to really understand the action. It was sloppy and they were both grossed out,but the memory still brought a smile to his face. She noticed it,so she raised a questioning eyebrow while her nose slightly wrinkled from smiling.

''Just remembering some good old times.'' Then he gave her a cheeky smirk.

''You mean that time I beat you at football?'' she asked with a challenge in her voice,leaning into his personal space.

''That was one time.'' Dean emphasized and lifted a finger. ''Besides,I let you win. ''

''Oh,yeah?'' Lisa asked doubtfully,both thin eyebrows now raised. ''That's why you were so mad after?''                                   

''I'm a really good actor.''

They started sharing childhood stories that made them both fall into immature giggles. Then they talked about their jobs and lives. Lisa told him about France,how much she likes it there and also shared that she’ll be currently living here,with a possibility of it being permanent. 

Once the subject shifted to love and relationships,Dean got tense again. Soon he found out that Lisa is happily single,but has nothing against changing that status. Dean carefully avoided straight answers to all questions that implied he was in a relationship. It made him feel more uncomfortable as the minutes passed. It felt wrong,like he was trying to hide Cas. Like he was trying to hide _them._ But that didn’t stop him from keeping quiet about everything.

''You know,maybe next time '',Lisa started with a coy smile on her lips, ''we could go somewhere more private. Just you and I.''

And Dean did not see that coming. _Wow,she definitely doesn’t waste her time._ And she did it quite skillfully,too _._ Hundred thought and responses were swirling circles in his mind,giving him a headache,main one being to decline it as politely as possible. 

And he should probably not be held responsible for his next words,since thinking under pressure was something Dean wasn’t good at. _At all._ ''Yeah,absolutely,we should.''

***

Cas was spread on the comfortable bed,enjoying the way his body relaxed gradually– heart beating wildly then slowing down,uncontrollable shivering waves taking him and then disappearing. He always loved the post-sex mood his organism would fall into. With his mind clear of any coherent or heavy thoughts and body covered in cooling amount of sweat. 

Cas' head was resting on Dean's shoulder,feeling the rise and fall of his smooth muscular chest. Against his ear and just beneath the thick skin,Dean’s own heart was pumping symmetrically. Cas couldn’t find the right words to describe it. The feeling of another life under him. A muscle so restless yet fragile sending waves of life through his partner’s body,keeping him alive. Cas pressed a lingering kiss right at the spot where the beating was most noticeable.

"How did that dinner go?" he asked when he finally got to his mind and breath.

"Fine,I guess." Dean said,sounding hoarse,one shoulder jerking against Cas’ skull. "My dad's probably dancing from happiness."

Cas snorted and looked up. "Why's that?" Dean really looked so relieved when Cas  appeared at the front door and when they connected their lips for the first time that day.

Dean's eyes were trained on the dark ceiling,one arm slung around Cas,holding him tenderly  and drawing invisible patterns across the cowed skin of his back. "Dunno,for me showing up,no matter how pathetic it was."

Cas hummed and kissed his stubbled jaw. He didn't want to keep asking questions,they made Dean’s body tense once again. And Cas much preferred worshipping his boyfriend’s body in intimate silence,but he couldn’t help his curiosity. "So,what were the other people like?"

"They are family friends who just got back from France. Haven't seen Braedens for a while,but they honestly haven’t changed. Still classy and stuck-up." Dean murmured with a hushed laugh. "Lisa is a nice girl though..." he suddenly stopped.

"Lisa?" Cas was curious. Dean only mentioned the Braeden couple when he told him about this dinner yesterday.

His boy jerked slightly as he raised one sweaty palm and ran it through his sandy short hair. "Yeah,she is,uh...she's a friend. She’s the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Braeden." Dean seemed nervous now. Cas didn't understand. Why would his friend Lisa trigger such reaction from him? He suddenly felt uneasy – a wave of unwanted panic creeping up to him.

"You didn’t mention her before." It was said in a careful tone,questioning the territory. Dean had previously informed him that the participants of this dinner would only be Mr. and Mrs. Braeden. _Did he purposely left out a daughter?_

In that moment,his partner abruptly shifted and sat up with his bare back touching the cold wall. Cas’ upper body was left awkwardly spread out in his lap,so he sat up as well,facing Dean. "I just didn’t think it was important,that’s all."

But Cas wasn’t buying into it. When he spoke again,his voice was sharp, "Hm,that’s interesting because I specifically asked you who will be there. More than once. And out of all people,you failed to mention her. " It was the kind of tone that demanded immediate explanation.

Dean was silent for one particularly long minute and it Cas feel even more anxious. "Look,Cas,it's stupid." he finally started,voice edgy,"I didn't want to make a big deal out it."

It didn’t sound good at all. "Out of what? Dean,will you tell me what's going on?" All of this was getting more serious than Cas expected for it to be. Because apparently,Dean hid something from him,lied to him. _Why?_

"Nothing's going on,really." Dean hurried "It’s just that my father is trying to set me and Lisa up. No big deal."

"What?" he asked sharply. And how many fucking times is Cas gonna repeat that word today? He sat up,letting the sheets fall from his waist down on his thighs. He looked at Dean with furrowed brows and sincerely hoped Dean had an explanation,because Cas had some wildassumptions running inside his head right now. "That's far from nothing,Dean. Why would he do that if you're already in....oh." Dean's father didn't know about them yet.

And Castiel can understand that. Judging from his stories,Dean’s father wasn’t exactly what you’d consider an understanding or even a nice person. Cas himself wasn’t ready for Dean’s dad to find about him just yet. But when he’s trying to find Dean a girlfriend and since his boyfriend obviously didn’t mind it in slightest,then he couldn’t just keep calm.

"You're not...jealous,are you?" Dean asked.

Cas wanted to laugh,but it would probably sound too psychotic ,so he didn’t. "Should I be?" he asked instead as he stood up from the bed,looking for his underwear thrown somewhere on the floor. Even in a situation like this,his body flushed self-consciously from so much exposure.

"No!" Dean said firmly,raising his horse voice. "How can you even think so? This is exactly why I didn’t tell you. I know you’d make such a big deal about it." He got up now,too. But,as opposed to Cas,he seemed to have no problem disusing this with his bare junk hanging between his legs.

"Then what am I supposed to think right now? Huh?" Cas asked,with more than a spark of anger in his voice. He continued without waiting for Dean to say something,already putting on his boxers. A question was hanging on the very tip of his tongue and even though he really tried,Cas just couldn’t keep it in. "Do you find her attractive?"

Dean gaped at him,his expression disbelieving. "Did you seriously just ask me that?" When Cas kept quiet,he said, "Yeah,she’s fucking hot and I have eyes. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna fuck her. I wouldn’t cheat on you."

The problem was that Cas wasn’t so sure. Dean might be saying that now,but Cas wasn’t stupid or naïve. He knew Dean’s reputation damn well. Heck,even their relationship first started as a meaningless fuck. And what if one day Dean wakes up and decides he doesn’t like monogamy anymore? Cas will be the one to pay the price,the one whose heart will get broken. 

"Baby,I..." Dean trailed off,carding fingers through his hair. "Please,Cas. I never meant for it to turn into this. I just wanted to get my father off my neck. I’m not interested in her in any way."

"Okay, and I get that," _kind of_ "but I want you to trust me,and I want to be able to trust you." Cas didn't even notice he was pacing around the room until then. Would Dean go ahead and start dating Lisa behind Cas' back because his father told him so .  "I thought there was enough of trust between us for you to share something like that. You lied to me. And maybe you don’t think this is such a big deal,but it was still a lie." 

Castiel based relationship on a few things. And one of those things,a possibly the primary one,was trust. If they are not able to trust each other,then they really have nothing at all.

"You can trust me,Cas.",Dean promised with solemn voice. "And I am so sorry about this,but it honestly was just a really bad misjudgment on my part. Nothing else." It didn’t make Cas feel any more assured and Dean noticed it. "Why do I have a feeling there’s more to this? Tell me. Come on,Cas. Talk to me."

Cas was in the process of being torn between two choices – he can either go for straight to the door and ignore both Dean and the issue with the help of alcohol,or he can stand strong and face the problem with dignity. The first choice sounded more appealing each second,but Castiel Novak was no coward. 

"You wanna know what the real problem is? I’ll tell you. ",his voice sounded strangled and weak and not at all like his own. Still,he swallowed a painful lump in his throat and continued, "I fear that you’re not taking this relationship serious enough. And I fear that you’ll grow bored and break my heart."

Another silent moment stretched between them. On the other side of the room,Dean ,completely and gloriously naked,looked wrecked. His eyes were impossibly dark,but expressive and currently filled with remorse. "That’s not true.",he almost whispered. "I do take it seriously and I do enjoy being with you. I also don’t want it to stop."

_ Yes,but for how long?, _ Cas wanted to ask. He ran both hands across his tired face,rubbing his eyes. A small,but painful headache was starting to spread inside his scalp. This was his fear from the very beginning. The one that kept him hesitant all this time. It was also the same part of him that wanted to reject Dean’s offer that day in the kitchen. Dean never even had a serious relationship before. It obviously was that way for a reason. It was a bit arrogant of Cas to even try to think he could be the reason Dean had a change of heart. "But I can’t help myself. I know who you are and what you want. And I’m afraid tha-"

"I can’t change my past. And it’s true that I never really wanted a relationship. But I also didn’t know you back then. I want you to know that I really want to be with you. And I’m gonna prove it to you." He walked past the bed unceremoniously and stopped himself right in front of Cas. Dean entwined their fingers and looked at the spot behind Cas,frowning in thought.

"You don't need to prove-"

But Dean cut him off once again and blurted, "Move in with me." Their eyes were locked upon each other,both just staring wordlessly. His heart skipped a beat while he tried to figure out if Dean was serious. To be honest,the thought occurred to him before,them living together. But now that the offer stood right there in his reach,he really didn’t know what to think of it.

"Dean..." Cas sighed and rubbed his forehead with his hand.

"I mean,if you want to-" Dean rushed,and then took a deep breath,looking at Cas through his long eyelashes. There was no denying that the other man looked frightened,but he also seemed strangly determinant. "Cas,would you like to move in with me?"


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

The sound of raw scratching of punctured tires across the rough asphalt broke through the cold night air. _Crash_. A child was screaming. _Another crash_. Blinding,flickering lights were everywhere. It was too light,he couldn't see a damn thing. Still,he was reaching for something, _someone_ ,but unable to run away from the painful lights. Extending his shivering hands,he reached once again,praying,but the fingers only clenched around thin air. Something inside him was clawing at his chest,making his heart hurt an-

Cas woke up with a violent jerk. Putting a hand against his wild-beating heart,he tried to calm down his breathing. Despite the effort,the air of the room didn't seem to be enough. One day,Cas is gonna have a heart attack and die in his sleep. He'll be so involved in the content of his dream that he probably won't even notice.

It's been a while since he last dreamt of the car accident. It's been so long that he even started worrying about the lack of these traumatizing dreams. It was almost as if he forgot about them,about the _accident_. In the last few weeks Cas didn't have much time to take and think about that for a moment. Before,this used to occupy his mind all the time. Now he had other things to worry about as well.

Starting with his removal to Dean's apartment. _Why the hell did I agree to that? ,_ Cas asked himself and it wasn't the first time. It won't be the last,either. When Dean first laid out the offer in front of him,it seemed so _prefect_ and _romantic_ and Cas was probably swooning from pride and love for his boyfriend. Cas thought it was so brave of Dean to take a chance like that and he couldn't have found a better way to prove his love and commitment to him.

Thinking about the proposition now,laying on his back with his boyfriend sprawled next to him,it just seemed stupid and reckless. What do they know about commitment,anyway? People with much more stable relationships and open minds couldn't cross this bridge and struggles that come along when two people start sharing the same space perminantly. How the hell are Cas and Dean gonna deal with that when they can't even survive a month without having at least one big fight? 

It's been a week since Dean's gratuitous offer,and exactly three days since Cas moved in. Moving inside this apartment seemed like the most logical solution,because Cas' place was too small even for him and buying something new just didn't make any sense. Of course it bothered Cas that he didn't participate in paying for this apartment originally,but's it's not like he could even if he wanted to. Money right now was a slight issue for him. He had pride and he didn't like things being handed to him. He also always made sure to pay his debts. And he will,once he gets back on the horse. Besides,they made a deal that Cas will start paying bills and other living expenses alongside Dean. 

The other part of the problem was Dean and Cas' relationship. Saying that this step didn't come too fast would just be a blatant lie. Yes,they were rushing and no,it wasn't smart at all,but that didn't stop them from doing it. Honestly,a part of Cas was still thrilled with this offer. It was the perfect proof of Dean's willingness to commit and seriousness about this relationship. It might have also been a proof of Dean's love for Cas,but he wasn't foolish enough to believe that. Not until Dean says so himself.

Suddenly,alarm's loud buzzing broke the serenity of _their_ bedroom,startling Cas with its unpleasant sound. Cas looked around,only to spot a device on the bedstand lighting up : it was Dean's phone. Ironically,Dean just stirred and buried his face in the pillow,but otherwise stayed oblivious. It was Monday and 7 AM,and Dean Winchester is going to be late for his job if he doesn't wake up.

''Dean.'' Cas said softly and shook him by his shoulder. Dean muttered something incoherent and turned to the other side of the bed,facing away from Cas. He pulled the sheets with him,and the first touch of air on Cas' skin made him shiver. He tried again,this time calling for him a little louder. Nothing. Cas then grabbed the other man’s bare shoulder and squeezed it not so gently,burying his short nails into the meat. He had no time for such bullshit right now. That seemed to have worked,because Dean opened his eyes and raised a hand to rub at the now painful spot. ''Get up. You’re gonna be late for work.''

Then he got up,not bothering to look behind him nor covering his naked body. Castiel was in a desperate need of a shower. Strangely,after a bad dream,it would always make him feel better if he took a piping hot shower. It was almost like the water had the power to wash away all his fears and doubts,make them disappear in a messy plash,then send them down the drill and far away from him.

When Cas returned to the noticeably smelly room,he noticed his partner still snuggled in bed and carelessly snoring into the pillow. He felt a rather strong and slightly worrying urge to punch Dean in the face. Instead,he got closer to him,grabbed the sheet that was covering his form and dropped it to the floor. ''Get up before I start throwing things at you.''

Finally,Dean spared a glance to his phone and when he realized what time is it,he started jumping around the bedroom in hurrying panic. He was searching for something in his drawer,wearing nothing but his boxers. It turned out to be a watch and Dean started putting it on.

"You might want to take that off if you're planning to take a shower." Cas suggested,feeling irritated.

Dean jerked and turned around to look at him. "Good idea.",he agreed and threw the watch on the bed,then wiggled out of his boxers,leaving them on the floor and basically running to the bathroom.

Cas saw red. What kind of a person leaves their dirty underwear on the floor and in the middle of the room? He truly felt like yelling at Dean. He was so fucking messy. Living with him apparently also means exposing himself to many bacterias and diseases,because his partner obviously doesn't understand the definition of 'primar hygiene'.

Going to the kitchen,Cas decided to make Dean a coffee while he's showering,because he’s perfect like that. He turned on Dean's coffee machine, _now his too_ ,and leaned against the counter. Castiel still didn't move all of his things,just essentials that could fit in Dean's trunk. But that was the easiest part. It will be hard getting this to work,especially considering the fact a a fight led them this situation. 

He desperately hoped they wouldn't screw this up. Cas wanted this to work with all his heart. Maybe too much for his own good. Why couldn't Cas just let go of his worries and enjoy his life for once? He thought this was "it" for him. Dean was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And maybe it sounded silly,but that was how he felt and he stood by it.

And then his previously mentioned boyfriend emerged from the bedroom,hair still damp and wet,but dressed in appropriate pants and a blue shirt. "Crap,Cas,why didn't you wake me?" he asked.

Cas snorted in disbelief ."Are you serious?" and when Dean frowned in question,Cas realized he was. "I was trying to,Dean. For ten minutes. And I thought I succeeded the first time."

"Uh,sorry.", Dean chuckled sheepishly and sat on one out those high chairs at the counter. Cas pushed the steaming mug of pure black coffee in front of him. "Oh,thank you so much. Just what I needed."

"You're welcome." he replied and rolled his eyes. At the sight of his boyfriend’s ruffled hair,Cas almost smiled but then he remembered the reason of his previous annoyance. "And please,in the future,refrain from leaving your dirty underwear in the middle of our bedroom,okay?"

To those words,Dean frowned slightly. "But I was in a hurry. And it’s not like they were hurting someone."

"Well,they were hurting me. Don’t to that anymore.",Cas said harshly,pinning him with a glare.

Dean had the courage to roll his eyes,but he still nodded his head and said, "I won’t do it anymore if it bothers you that much."

_ Good _ , Cas thought to himself. This was good. "Thank you." Conversation is obviously the key in keeping a relationship steady. 

Dean took a long sip of his coffee,moaning in pleasure when it burned against his dry throat."Hey,Cas,did you see my shirts anywhere around the apartment? I left them on the couch of the living-room and now they’re not there. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t touch them." Cas did see them and he did,in fact,move them. So he told Dean as much. "Why the hell did you do that?"

"What do you mean ‘why’?",Castiel asked,baffled. "You’ve basically thrown them across the couch. They couldn’t stay there. So I put them back where they belong. Which is the closet,for your information." 

Dean let out a loud snort. "Excuse me,but I always kept them there. And I’ve grown used to that. Do you know how long it took me to find this shirt?",he pointed to his chest. "It was in the bathroom because I wore it yesterday."

Cas took a deep breath. For such a bright guy,Dean can be so stupid sometimes. "I’m sorry,but if you just looked in your closet,like any normal person would,you could have avoided all that."

"Yes,but if you didn’t feel the need to remove my stuff,we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all,right?" Then he proceeded to give Cas a sarcastic smile.

This was good,right? They were voicing their problems aloud and sharing what they didn’t like about each other. That’s how other people do it. It will help them get along better in the future,he reassured himself.So,Cas went for it full-heartly. "Considering this my apartment too now,I won’t allow such mess. It makes me feel uncomfortable. And I don’t like feeling uncomfortable in my own home. Or did I completely miss the point here?"

This was something Cas feared. At any moment Dean can realize he made a mistake by asking Cas to move in with him and he can give up. Both Cas and this relationship.

But then,not for the first time,Dean took him by surprise and said in a very calm tone, "Okay. If it makes you feel that way,I won’t do it anymore. This is your home now. And you’re right anyway. My apartment was a mess before you." Those words were followed by the sweetest smile Cas has ever seen. 

Cas couldn’t help but return it with a warm one of his own. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. 

"So I wanted to ask you something." Dean started and Cas cocked his head. The smile was now gone,replaced by a somewhat nervous expression. "There's this party on Saturday,for finishing a job with Parker's. Just a small gathering,really", Dean explained, "and I was wondering if you'd like to come with me."

But the last name rang a familiar bell. "Is this the same Parker I met before?" Dean nodded in confirmation. Cas met Charles Parker in person once. On the dinner few months ago,when Dean fucked him senseless. But what if Parker recognizes him? It probably wouldn't be too comfortable. He told Dean as much.

"He probably won't even remember you,I think he struggles with his own name sometimes."

It didn’t lessen Cas’ worries. If he goes to this party,then he’ll probably meet Dean’s colleagues. And it also means he’ll be introduced as Dean’s boyfriend. He wasn’t sure how that made him feel. "Is your Dad going to be there?",Castiel asked hesitantly.

"No,he definitely won’t.",Dean assured him. "He hates parties like these. He also hates Parkers. And people,in general."

"But then others could probably figure out we’re dating." _Maybe they’ll tell your Dad._ "Do you really want me there?"

Dean gave him a disbelieving look. "Of course I fucking want you there. Besides,I don’t really give a shit about that. I don’t give a shit about anything that isn’t you right now. And I don’t wanna go by myself. It will be so boring without your company there."

Those sincere words warmed his insides and calmed him down. If Dean needed him,then Cas will be there and screw everyone who doesn’t like it. "Okay." he said and grinned.

"Great!" Dean captivated his lips and got up. "Gotta go now,I'm already running late." _Of course he is_ ,Cas smiled.

"Wait," ,Dean eyed him up and down, "that means I get to see you in a suit."

"You seem excited at the prospect." Cas noticed with a smirk.

"I'll have to hide my boner the entire evening."

***

_Sandover_ 's celebration party for wrapping up the most recent project was held in one of the most expensive hotels in Cleveland,which meant that everything and everyone looked extremely pompous and over-the-top. Including Dean himself. Dressed in a well-fitting black Armani suit that squeezed him in all the wrong places,he was sweating like an incredibly elegant pig.

His legs were starting to ache from so many routes he took – going from one person to another. As the leader of this particular project,you could say that the night was partly about him. He didn’t enjoy it much. Usually,Dean wouldn’t shy away from being the center of the attention,but tonight he just couldn’t handle faking any more smile. And they’ve only just started.

After making sure he greeted everyone present,Dean got back to his table,which was, _thank God_ ,mostly empty. The hall of the hotel was filled with average round tables asymmetrically sorted through the room. They were decorated in pastel colors with porcelain cutlery and wide glasses of mostly black wine. He approached his own table and put a reassuring hand on a shoulder that he accidentally bumped while sitting down.

"Oh,you’re back.",Cas muttered,sounding a bit breathy,but looking noticeably relieved now that he’s back. Dean couldn’t help the lingering look he gave to Cas’ covered body. In a black suit like his own,with a blue tie that brought attention to his round eyes,Castiel looked completely ravishing. Saying that he was the most attractive person in the whole room would be an understatement. Yet,he looked as nervous as Dean felt and he really couldn’t blame him.

Dean knew Cas didn’t feel comfortable in bigger companies and that he preferred staying completely out of spotlight. That was the reason why Dean didn’t even bother introducing him to other people in the room,aside from the few sharing their table. They were in luck because those people turned out to be Charles Parker himself (who,of course,didn’t recognize Cas) and his son and daughter (both not interested in Dean’s love life).

''You okay?'',his boyfriend nudged at his shoulder and smiled softly. Despite being so nervous,Cas managed to get his shit together enough to show Dean support in his own cryptic moments.He never had this kind of support. He thought he didn’t need it. But feeling the warm weight of Castiel’s hand on his own,Dean realized he desperately craved for it. Cas was there to keep him grounded,and so far he was doing a fantastic job of it.

And if Dean had any doubt about them moving in together,now it was completely erased.They had a whole week to adjust to one another. And while there were certain issues that they bumped in along the way,Dean was satisfied with the decision. They were constantly talking,sharing their feelings and doubts,then managed to find the appropriate solution to each one. It was _healthy_.

"I'm okay,Cas.",he returned the smile and pressed a light kiss on the other man's cheek. A wave of strong emotions towards the black-haired man hit him,so he took his cold hand and squeezed it,hoping that the squeeze will say all the words he can’t. Dean wanted to tell him so many things. He wanted to thank him for making him feel so happy and safe,for being there for him and suffering all of his mood-swings. But now was neither time or space for that,so he settled for a hard squeeze.

Just a he was about to proposition going out for some air,Charlie Bradbury came in her elegant blue dress and tapped Dean's shoulder. She gave him a bright smile and apologetically informed him, "I’m sorry,Dean,but you’re gonna have to give a little speech. Orders from the boss. "

_ Oh,hell no!   _ "No,I’m not. What am I even supposed to say?" 

Charlie snorted and gave him shrug, "Just some bullshit about enjoying this collaboration and shit like that. You know,basics. Nobody’s gonna listen to you anyway."

Then Cas abruptly turned to him and discretely whispered, "I really need some air. I’m gonna go to the balcony for a second. Do you need me to stay?"

"Absolutely not.",Dean exclaimed with maniac glee. At least Cas won’t see him make a fool of himself. "You just go and I’ll join as soon as I finish. Which will probably be in a minute. " Then he took a deep breath and got up,walking to the middle of he room,brainstorming on his ‘speech’. Luckily,he had a vague idea. This was kind of Dick Roman’s tradition – he loved holding boring speeches and expected the same from everyone around him. Dean could just _borrow_ something from his inspiring boss.

He thanked his associates,sponsors,the Parkers,and of course not forgetting to mention John Winchester as well. Then he bragged about the total success of the whole project,proposed a toast to the whole Roman-Parker collaboration and got off the stage as quickly as possible. _That wasn’t so bad_ ,Dean thought when he was finally finished.

Dean found it strange that he actually felt a certain amount of pride because of this project and his role in it. He wasn’t lying,the project was a huge success and Dean managed to impress many more  experienced colleagues. Marketing came easy to him. Dean knew what the society wanted and usually fell for. He had the talent of reading and understanding people well. Advertising a product was never a problem for him. If the situation was different,Dean could have probably enjoyed this job. 

But since the situation isn’t and can’t be different,this job just reminded him of his own pipe dreams that John put an end to. Coming to work everyday just filled him with bitter resentment. For whom,he didn’t know. Maybe for John,or for Dick Roman. But mostly for himself.

He immediately started searching for Cas while being stopped several times by people wanting to congratulate him. Dean skimmed through the crowd of extended hand smoothly and went for the balcony. He opened the glass door and exposed himself to the fresh air. The wind teased his flushed cheeks,as looked around in search for his lover.

Suddenly he noticed two dark figures moving in the dark. One seemed taller than the other,but they were standing very close to each other. They seemed to be laughing about something. The taller spoke again and Dean heard disgustingly familiar British accent only few feet away. Dean stopped dead when he caught a glimpse of dark messy hair. Yeah,he found Cas. And the charming spokesman of Charles Parker,too. 

Instead of interrupting their conversation,Dean felt a strange urge to stay hidden against the wall he was leaning on and just listen. He was genuinely interested about what could these to laugh so much about. And if he also felt a pang of something sharp in his gut,he wasn’t willing to address it right now.

"Like I would forget eyes that blue." Dean heard Balthazar say and something inside him caved. Oh,him and Cas met each other before. That time when Cas was hired as an escort for old Parker. Dean didn't really like to remember that dinner,or the way old Charles touched Cas. _Or Balthazar's flirty smiles_. And the way Dean treated him,threw money at him. It bothered him for weeks.

"Flattering." Cas chuckled,but Dean could sense a note of discomfort in it. Or perhaps he just hoped so. Because Cas really wasn’t doing anything about their position – _they were standing so fucking close._

"Only telling the truth,darling." The pang in his gut now started growing until it consumed him whole. Who does this guy think he is to talk to Dean’s boyfriend like that? Now would probably be the best time to show himself,but some strange force didn’t let him make move nor sound.   


"So,what exactly do you do,Cas?"

Dean heard Cas take a sharp breath. "I,uh,currently bartender at my friend’s bar The Trickster. Ever heard of it?" And why the hell was Castiel letting this conversation to continue?

"I have not.",Balthazar said,sounding scandalous and Dean really wanted to punch him in the face. "I’ll make sure to check it out now that I know they have an employee like this."

Cas let out another throaty laugh. "You really should. Plus,the beer is quite good. I’m a shameless advertiser,aren’t I?",he asked jokingly.

"It’s very charming actually. And you’re certainly better at it than Dean Winchest-"

At the mention of his name,Dean decided to make his presence known. "Hey baby." Dean approached them behind Cas' back and hugged his slim waist. Cas was about to say something,but jumped at the sound of his voice,surprised. His words were loud enough for Balthazar to hear him,and he did,since he raised both eyebrows in question. 

Wanting to make sure Balthazar realized his place,Dean captured Castiel’s mouth with his,kissing him more aggressively than he probably expected. Then he parted those dry lips with his tongue and pushed inside,feeling the smooth wetness of the other man’s mouth. Cas let out a little protest that turned into an unexpected moan when their tongues brushed together. It was getting a more than a little inappropriate and the blonde-haired man cleared his throat for the second time. Dean had deliberately ignored the first attempt. 

"Oh,Mr. Anderson.",he said when he looked up from a very flustered and extremely lost Cas,as if he didn't notice him until that very moment. "Good evening."

"Mr. Winchester." ,the stunned man replied and eyed him suspiciously. Dean couldn’t help but notice he looked very nice wearing a white half unbuttoned shirt tucked underneath his dark pants. The gaze of the blond man’s shiny eyes then turned to Cas and lingered on his now swollen and spit-covered lips. Dean instantly tightened his grip around the completely oblivious Castiel.

"I see you found my boyfriend." Dean put on an insincere smile. He also made sure to put and obvious emphasis on the ‘my’.

"Boyfriend?" Balthazar blurted and once again arched his eyebrows up,looking genuinely surprised."Yes,Cas and I had a rather pleasant chat. I quite enjoy his company."

_ I bet you do _ , Dean almost blurted bitterly. Cas looked down at his feet,still blushing,but appearing to be coming to his senses. He put a hand across Dean’s belly and patted it slightly,obviously trying to ease the tensions between two men. The movement didn’t go unnoticed by Balthazar.

"Seems like there are two things I should congratulate you for." Balthazar took a sip of his drink and looked at Dean with his calculating eyes. _Well,it must have been quite a crush_ ,Dean thought to himself, _when Balthazar still lusted after Cas_. Not that Dean could blame him,really,but that couldn’t make the amount of jealousy currently in his body disappear.  


"Thank you." Dean said cheekily and entwined his fingers with Cas' once again. "We should move on now. Would you excuse us?" Suddenly Dean had a much better idea.

"Of course. Enjoy the rest of the night." Balthazar watched them disappear in crowd with more than just a hint of disappointment in his tone.

There was something burning inside of him. Dean trusted Cas. He knew he would never think of doing something that would purposely hurt Dean. Wouldn’t cheat on him. Balthazar probably just caught him there. It was painfully known,at least to Dean,that Balthazar wouldn't mind Cas' company. But Dean just needed to make sure.

"Dean?" Cas broke the silence between them as Dean guided them towards restroom. Dean didn't answer,just opened the door and gestured for Cas to enter. Both floor and walls were covered in white tiles. Restroom was spacious and modern,and that was as much as he observed and as much as he needed to know.

"What are we-" Cas tried again but Dean silenced him with a kiss and pressed him against the wall gently. His hands went straight for the other man's ass,closing his fingers over the layer-covered flesh. Cas whimpered,and it was a sweet sound for Dean,the one that went straight to his cock.

"Gonna make you forget about anyone else.",Dean growled as his lips ghosted over smooth skin of Cas' neck. He rubbed his groin against Cas',feeling his cock harden over the fabric. Cas moaned and started sliding his hands down Dean's chest,trying to unbutton the shirt along the way,but proving to be unsuccessful. 

He suddenly raised his head and looked at Dean,silently begging,desperate for touch. Not giving in just yet,Dean moved away from Cas and looked around for the first time to check if they were alone. His brain was clouded with so much jealousy they could've fucked right there in front of someone and he wouldn't care. There was a row of bathroom cabins on one side and Dean opened the first one,hauling Cas inside. He placed one hand on the left side of Cas' head,pressing him to the wall. He put the other one on his belt buckle,trying to get his hard member free.

Dean didn’t take Cas to a restroom without purpose. Other than sex,that is. They fucked in a public restroom before – that time when Balthazar flirted with Cas shamelessly,too. He wanted to bring that memory back in Castiel’s mind and remind him to whom he really belongs to.  "Remember the first time we fucked in a restroom? Remember how good I made you feel? "

Dean bit in the skin below Cas' jaw line,and heard a sharp intake of breath. "Fuck. Y-yes,I do.", Cas rasped and went for Dean's pants. Although a bit clumsy,he was faster than Dean,and Dean's equally hard cock was out in seconds. He purposefully dragged Cas' zipper down slowly and lightly caressed him through the underwear. Cas groaned in frustration and tried to take his cock out by himself,but Dean took his hand and dragged it to the wall.

Then he gave the dark-haired man a promising smirk and sunk to his knees. Even through the thick fabric of his pants,Dean was able to feel the coldness of the restroom floor,but he just didn’t care. "Fuck, Cas," Dean whispered, sucking a breath in through his teeth. "I forget how fucking hot you are, sometimes, it's ridiculous. It's crazy, how much I want - I want to touch you all the time. Wanna make you come."

"Oh god.", Cas gasped and locked his arms around Dean's shoulders. Dean leaned down then, to mouth at his partner’s erection through the damp cloth of his boxers, sucking little wet kisses onto the head. Cas couldn’t help but stare at the other man’s lush pink mouth, lapping gently at his dick through the grey boxers. The fabric was wet, almost soaking,from Dean's spit and Cas' cock leaking precome.

"You like this,Cas? Want it?" Dean asked "Want me to take care of you?"

Cas managed to nod,before he yelled out "Fuck,yes!" when Dean's fingers found their way under Cas’ boxers and pulled them down his legs. The green-eyed man touched the tip of his bare cock, smearing the pre-come over it so his hand could move easier. Not having any more time to waste,Dean took a shallow breath and closed his lips around the wet cock in front of him.

Almost swallowing him whole,Dean pulled back,just suck the member back in. The salty taste of it lingered on his tongue,but he didn’t mind it at all. Then he used that very same tongue to tease the underside of his lover’s dick,drawing a loud gasp from him. After a few moments of pure tongue-teasing,Dean started sucking on Cas’ member mercilessly,while using both of his hands to lightly fondle the sensitive balls.

He felt Cas drop his own hands in Dean’s hair,slightly pulling at the short whiskers. Dean could feel he was very close and it took him all the self-control in the world to slow down. Few more strokes and he'd come,too.

"Wh-why the fuck did you stop?" Cas' voice was wrecked,and he looked downright offended.

Dean took his both hands for support as he tried standing up. Their faces were now barely an inch apart. "Only I get to do this." ,Dean said hoarsely. "To make you fall apart like this. Watch your gorgeous face when you come."

Castiel kissed him then,crushing their sweaty faces together. Their tongues fought for domination,as Cas sucked the taste of himself right out of Dean’s mouth. But he couldn’t let him distract Dean like that. He needed to make sure Cas knew what the point of this was.

"Okay,baby? You understand?" ,he asked and pulled the fingers of his free hand through Cas' hair that was damp with sweat "Are you mine?" He needed to hear Cas say it. Needed to be assured Cas wasn’t going anywhere. That he wanted to be with Dean. Wanted to be _his_.

"Dean," he hissed,pleading desperately, "please,just..."

So he put a hand on both their groins and started rubbing them together and drawing a relieved moan out of Cas. He lifted his eyebrows in expectation,and Castiel managed to nod. "Say it,Cas. I wanna hear you." Dean _needed_ to hear it.

"Yeah,I'm yours."

Three more fast strokes,and Cas was coming all over his hand with a cry. Dean moaned through his orgasm and felt his knees weaken,barely holding up. Cas leaned their foreheads together,when his breathing evened out. 

"And you are mine," he whispered back.

All Dean could do was nod wordlessly at his partner,feeling an immediate bolt of calmness taking over him. Him and Cas – that was the real deal. No Lisa,no Balthazar,no _anyone._ Just the two of them against the world. 


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

 

Castiel pulled one sweaty hand through his messy raven hair,while tightening the grip of his other one that was currently carrying a bag of groceries. No matter how much gel did he use,or how much time he spent combing it,the mess on his head was just impossible to tame.

His mother used to sit him down and comb the wild strands with a wet brush. She did it rather roughly – pulling at the roots with the sharp teeth of her brush. Not infrequently,Cas would lose a lot of hair from the unkind treatment. Naomi justified her actions by saying that looking at the nest on top of his head made her sick. And Cas believed her.

After finishing his early shift at Trickster,Castiel now had the whole afternoon free. Normal people would probably be delighted by that and would find many activities to entertain themselves with,but this just made Cas feel guilty. Realistically speaking,the only reason Gabe offered this job to him was because he knew Cas desperately needed it.

And because he was aware of that,Castiel did not stop looking for other jobs. Difficult it was,but Cas won't give up only for a few 'no's. He didn't allow himself to be picky,he just couldn't afford it. God knows that most of the jobs he applied for didn't appeal him at all,but finding something to his own pleasure seemed impossible.

Castiel wanted to paint,and draw,and be able to show someone his work and talent,but with no school or training a job like that was unreachable. Okay,that wasn't entirely true. He could always create art at home and then try to sell it on his own. But who would wanna buy that? _Gabriel,probably,_ Cas mocked the thought.  So,that was a no,as well.

His legs were starting to ache from so much walking. First he came to work by foot and spent most of the shift standing. Then he decided to take a walk and buy some stuff – all of that by foot as well.  _Dean is getting off work around this time_ , his brain reminded him cheerfully. Not wanting to take foolish risks with his precious legs,Cas pulled out his phone and sent a quick message.

_Can you pick me up?  x_

After only a minute,his phone buzzed with a replay from Dean.

_No problem. Where are you?_

He smiled at the text and quickly typed in his current location. His boyfriend's response was instant.

_Got some things I need to finish. Be around somewhere. I'll call when I get there. xx_

Cas sighed and tucked away his phone. Hoping that Dean won't take long,he looked around himself and started walking with painfully slow steps. There wasn't much he could do around here. He got to the corner of the streets and looked up across the street  – right were a small nameless gallery was situated. It looked nice with its white facade and transparent windows who showed small glimpses of the interior. Cas hasn't visited one in a really long time.

His first instinct was to turn away and forget about it. Why torture yourself like that while knowing you could've had something like that? Then he proceeded to take a moment and think about it once again.  _It's just a gallery_ , a part of him thought and Cas considered it. It really is just a gallery. He can't spend his life avoiding art just because his own career plans didn't work out the way he wanted.

Feeling particularly brave and more than a little curious,Cas crossed the street determinately and opened the door of the establishment. The first thing he noticed upon entering inside was the toxicating smell of various paintings hanging on the yellow walls. He used to love that smell. The pure sent of paper as he scribbled across it. Or the stink of freshly dried tempera that lingered in the air hours after using it. A certain nostalgia overtook him as memories displayed themselves inside his mind.

The gallery was empty. The inside of it was even smaller than it appeared on the outside. The walls were painted in an interesting mixture of yellow and light orange,adding up to the warmness of the room. It looked cozy. He started walking around,excited to take a good look at every exposed piece of art.

Just when he was approaching the third painting,a sharp female voice broke through the room, ''Can I help you with something?''

Cas was embarrassed to admit he was so caught up in the environment that he didn't notice a woman standing in the corner of the room. She was young and very attractive with her dark curly hair and short but soft,curvy figure. ''Um,not really.'',he stuttered,while his face turned a light shade of red. ''I'm just looking around. These are all really amazing.''

She gave him a smirk that was a bit too calculating for his taste. Really though,she was looking at him like a hungry cat would look at a helpless,trapped mouse. It made him feel uncomfortable,but her words seemed harmless. ''They are. Are you into art?''

''Yes,you could say so. I draw a little bit. Or,at least,I used to. Not so much anymore.'' He wasn't sure why shared that last part with her,but it was late to back down now.

''Well I'm sorry to hear that.'',she said,not sounding sorry at all. ''What's your name?''

''Oh,I'm sorry. Cas. Castiel.'',he blabbed. It made her smirk grow even wider. Which is why he barely muttered his next words, ''And,um,yours? Name,I mean.''

''Meg Masters. I own this place,by the way.'' Then she extended her hand with unusually long,red nails,offering a shake. Cas desperately hoped she didn't notice the sweat that was covering his own palm.

''Wow,that's great. Congratulations.'' He couldn't help but feel a slight stab of jealousy in his gut. The woman, _Meg_ ,didn't seem to be any older than Cas himself,yet she was obviously doing so much better. Trying to ignore that awful feeling inside him,he continued, ''It must be very interesting.''

''I certainly won't complain.'',she responded,her voice amused by his awe. ''What do you do for a living,handsome?''

Was she purposely trying to make him feel uncomfortable,because it was working. Once again doing his best to ignore,but this time her flattering words,he murmured, ''I bartender at my friend's local. But I am currently looking for a new job. I'm not having much luck,though.''

Meg made an indeterminable noise,reached for her dark leather jacket and shrugged it off  her bare shoulders. Now she was standing only in a thin red top and skinny jeans. The whole outfit was simple,but looked rather expensive and maybe a little seductive. Her gaze fell from his face to the shirt-covered torso,then dropped to his lower parts and legs.

''It's your lucky day,Clarence. I am looking for an assistant. And I find you fit enough for this job.''

The woman basically offered him a job and all Cas managed to say was, ''Um,actually,it's Castiel.''

She let out a loud laugh at those words. ''I know,angel. So,what do you say?  You in or not?''

Cas had no idea what to say. The offer seemed a little too ideal to be real. Honestly,this was the kind of job he was looking for. He'd be involved in art,the thing he loved and enjoyed most,and he wouldn't have to bother Gabriel anymore. Plus,the gallery was relatively close to his and Dean's apartment.

He took a deep breath and asked, ''And you would offer me the job just like that? You haven't even seen  my file or biography or whatever else you'd need.''

''Exactly.'' When Cas only stared at her questionably,she was obligate to explain, ''Listen,you really don't need much qualification for this job. Except to enjoy art and not be totally clueless. Which  you don't seem to be. Plus,I like you.'',she gave him playful wink to which he didn't respond. ''And I can always fire you,you know. If it doesn't work out.''

She did have a point. Though she probably offered him a job  because she found him attractive,Cas couldn't afford to second guess here. After many years of fucking strangers and pretending to love it,this job seemed to be the best thing ever. And just like Meg said,he could always quit. Cas really didn't see anything wrong with the offer.

So he asked for details. The description of the job seemed ordinary enough - typical assistant job,which Cas found satisfying. His work time needed to be discussed,but it's not like galleries are much visited,so he won't have to worry about working overtime.

At last,he gave his new boss a wide smile and declared, ''I accept.''

She appeared to be pleased by his decision and allowed herself something that looked like the first genuine smile today. ''I think I'm gonna enjoy working with you. I will be needing some documents of yours,but consider yourself employed,Clarence.''

He walked out of the gallery with a deep sense of gratitude and sincere happiness. Things finally seemed to be getting better for Cas. First with  Dean,now a new job.  _Is this what it feels like to be carefree?,_  Cas wondered,completely embracing the newfound feeling,letting it overwhelm him.

Castiel wondered what would his family think. If they'd support him,approve of his recent employment,or his boyfriend.  _Probably not_ ,he thought sadly. His mother _was_ the first one to make sure he got those ''silly'' ideas out of his head. They did seem silly back then when everybody tried to convince him what steady and promising jobs were.

But that didn't matter anymore because they were gone now. Their opinions couldn't influence him anymore. Cas was his own person,he was alive and happy,and he was gonna make the most of the life he was given.

In that moment his phone buzzed,a message from Dean,informing him that he was near. Cas saw a black Impala parked across the street,so he hurried to the car,excited to share the news with his partner. As soon as he got inside,Cas threw his arms around Dean's neck and gave his stubbled cheek a sweet kiss.

''Nice to see you,too,Cas. Missed me?''

''Dean,guess what? I gotta new job.'',Cas was basically yelling at this point.

''Like,a  _new_  new one?'' Dean's eyes widened at that in surprise. ''How did that happen?''

''Yes. It's a gallery. The one right across the street.'',Cas informed him,now lowering the sound of his voice,but still enthusiastic. ''The girl who owns it offered me to be her assistant.''

Dean suddenly shifted in his seat and took Cas in his arms,hugging him tightly. Cas nuzzled his nose against Dean's neck and closed his eyes. His lover smelled wonderful,a mixture of his cologne and sweat that always represented an aphrodisiac for Cas.

"I am so happy for you. But wait,how did all of this happen?" Dean looked down at Cas.

Cas stepped away and got back to his seat. He decided to tell Dean the whole story with every single detail. Meanwhile,Dean started driving and by the time his story was over they were half-way home. "But why didn't you tell me you were still looking for a job? I thought you had given up.''

''Honestly,it wasn't going quite well. Actually,it wasn't going at all. I guess I just didn't want to worry you. Or disappoint you.'' Cas didn't know how would he have handled if he knew Dean felt that way about him. Dean accomplished so much for such young age and Cas couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious around him at times. Especially after that party they both attended few days ago. Seeing Dean's  success made Cas feel incredibly proud and happy,but it also made him question himself and his life choices.

"You wouldn't disappoint me,Cas. You could never. And I would support you no matter what.",Dean said seriously,looking him straight in the eyes and making sure Cas believed his words. 

He couldn't possibly know how much those words meant to Cas. "Thank you,Dean."

"I'm so proud of you." Dean said and dropped a gentle kiss on his forehead. And if Castiel's heart was a bubble,it would burst in thousand little waterdrops,because one bubble alone wouldn't be able to handle so much love Cas felt for Dean in that very moment.

 

                                                                                    ***

 

"How's my baby?" Dean asked.

Benny lifted his gaze from the Impala's engine and grinned. "Looks as good as she did in '67." he informed Dean.

  _Of course_ ,he thought proudly. He took great care of his car,did ever since he got it on his sixteenth birthday. Every three months he would take it to Benny's garage for a look-over. Dean could do it himself,even fix something if there was need to. But sadly he didn't have enough time,so he would take it to the best one he knew.

The garage his friend worked in was pretty big and currently kept three cars waiting for an examination. Because of its success Benny managed to upgrade it over the years and expand the business. Now he wasn't the only one working there,either. Benny managed to hire three more guys and was their boss. Simply put,he was doing extremely well.

"So,how's life these days?" Benny asked with another warm smile. Often when he was drunk,Dean would think of Benny as a giant teddy bear. And that very same teddy bear was the biggest reason Dean still hasn't died of alcohol poisoning or a car crash.

"Pretty good. Heck,even better than that." he replied,completely convinced in truthfulness of his words. Imagine that John doesn't exist and Dean's life would literally be perfect. He had money,a good job,great friends,a beautiful boyfriend sharing his apartment and waiting for him after a long day which usually  ends in mind-blowing sex. Seriously,what more could a guy ask for?

"As much as I'm glad to hear that,I can't help but feel a little mad at ya',you know?'',Benny said and didn't seem to be fooling around. ''I thought we were close,Dean. We tell each other stuff,right? But me finding out stuff about your life through Ash is not cool,man.''

''What do you mean?'',Dean asked,playing clueless,but he did have a clear idea about what Benny was talking about.

''I mean that as your best friend,I should probably know that you now have a boyfriend. Should've probably met him by now.''

His friend did have a point. But it's not like he purposely avoided telling the news to Benny. Ash and Charlie only found out about it by accident. And Dean did plan on getting his closest friends and Sam for a dinner with him and Cas were he'll break the news. Still,he could understand from where was Benny coming from. Their gang always was close,but Dean and Benny had something even more special. He had to admit that Dean would feel a bit hurt if Benny kept something that important from him.

''You are absolutely right. And,Benny,I'm so sorry. It's nothing personal,really. I was just waiting for the right time to break the news to everyone. Tell you the truth,I haven't even told Sam yet. ''

Benny then raised his hand,put it on Dean's shoulder and shook it playfully. ''S'okay. I guessed it was something like that.'',Benny assured him and let out a quiet snicker. ''Man,when Ash first told me about it,I was hundred percent sure he was just playing me.''

Dean laughed to that as well. ''Stranger things did happen,though. But that idiot probably told everyone all about it.''

''Nah,I'm positive he didn't. He accidentally told me. And he did say he was trying to keep it a secret until you go public about it.''

Dean smiled and looked down,suddenly feeling shy. It was known that he didn't have long nor happy history in love life. This was the most serious it got,ever. And of course it was gonna be a big deal to his friends as well. ''Did he told you who it is?''

''Yeah,the infamous hooker Cas. I gotta tell ya',Ash seems pretty smitten by him.''

Just the mention of his lover's name brought another dopey smile to his face. ''It's really hard not to be. You'll see soon enough.'' And Dean didn't doubt it in the slightest. Even though Cas thinks he's socially awkward,he  still has that good-boy charm that makes everyone want to cuddle him up and stroke his cheeks. ''And former hooker.''

Benny raised his eyebrows in a mixture of question and surprise. ''When did that happen? Well,I suppose it doesn't matter anymore if you two are happy.'' Benny then raised a hand and started rubbing his forehead,something he only did when he felt uneasy about a certain subject or situation.

''What is it?'',Dean asked,intrigued. ''Spill it out.''

Benny sighed rather loudly,looking extremely uncomfortable. ''I jus-As your friend I wanna,um,make sure that you know what you are,uh,getting into,you know?'' And Dean honestly had no idea. ''I mean,I don't want you to get hurt and I wanna make sure Cas is not,shit,that he's not using you for you money. And stuff like that.'',Benny finished awkwardly.

To be honest,that never even occurred him. He truly didn't think Cas would be able to do something like that. To use a person. In Dean's head,he connected Cas with words like purity,kindness and (ironically) innocence. Cas was a good person. Far better than Dean was,that's for sure.

His first instinct was to yell at his friend for even thinking so low of Cas. Possibly even throw a punch. But learning from previous experiences (particularly from ones with Cas himself),he knew that he should never listen to his first instinct. Benny was,after all,just looking out for him. Dean believed he meant no true disrespect to Cas.

Still,he needed to make things clear. ''I know you're just looking out for me,but don't ever say shit like that. That's not who Cas is.'' His voice sounded far colder than he intended. ''Look,Benny. He's been through a lot in his life. And he had to put up with my bullshit more than once. And I…I really care about him. And I know that he cares about me,too. So,don't worry about it,okay?''

Benny nodded his head with an apologetic expression. ''Forgive me,brother, I truly meant no disrespect. And I really hope that it lasts.''

''I know. Don't worry. It's all good.'',Dean assured him with a forgiving smile. "Anyway,how are you doing?"

"I'm good,brother. Nothin' as exciting as you got there going."

"I never expected for this to happen." Dean said honestly. He didn't expect being in a fucking relationship. A happy one,nevertheless. Fuck,he never even thought he'd share his apartment with someone and genuinely want it.

"Nobody ever does.",Benny murmured. "It just happens. And when it does,you don't even know what hit ya'.'' Benny probably knew about it too well. "So,how serious are we talking here?"

"Um,living together kind of serious?" it sounded more like a question when Dean said it. If it weren't for that fight they had,they would probably still be living separately. 

"Makes me remember good old times with Andrea." ,Benny sighed and took a long pull of the beer he pulled out of nowhere. Andrea was his ex-wife. Although it was still a sore spot (and probably always will be),Benny would sometimes mention her. He still missed her. Dean bumped their shoulders together and smiled as a consolation. "And this is it,Winchester? You're settling down?"

Dean found himself not knowing the answer. Yes? He wasn't sure. And what did "settle down" actually mean? Dean never thought ahead with things like this. He lived day after a day,not knowing what the next one will bring. Things were moving uncontrollably fast with the two of them. Relationship,living together...fuck,was Dean supposed to propose anytime soon? Does Cas expect that? He didn't know how that work and suddenly started feeling rather nervous and uneasy.

"I...don't know." ,he said unsurely and scratched the back of his head. He was sure that he didn't want to be with anyone else right now. Just as he was sure that living with Cas turned out to be really good decision _. For now_. He just never bothered to think about the future.

"Come on." ,Benny started teasingly. "Do you love him?"

Dean froze.

It was floating between them,lately. Those words. To Dean it seemed that Cas was always on the edge of saying them. Sometimes Dean would purposely change the subject when it came to love and declaring it. It looked like the biggest step to him. Bigger than beginning a relationship,bigger than sharing the apartment. Saying it will make them fully committed to each other.

Were they ready for that? Or better,was Dean ready? He really cared about Cas,only had eyes for him. That he could admit easily. But the word 'love' adds so much more weight to it. Dean knew how to put two and two together,he knew it was expected of him to say it eventually.But will  _he_  ever be ready to say that?

In his whole life,Dean only said those words and meant them to exact two people: Sam and Mary. Both of them represented peace and safety for Dean and his love for them was and always will be limitless. He thought that telling someone those three words would somehow mean that he placed his trust and safety, _his heart_ ,into that person's hands. Life has taught him that not everyone will nurture the given thing with the same care his mother had. Some people will drop it,walk over it and crush it,leaving him alone in the dark and pain. Dean couldn't afford taking that risk.

Cas wouldn't push it. He can sometimes be reluctant about it himself,Dean noticed. So what does he do now? Wait and see? But what if he really wanted to give his heart to Cas? Would it be worth the risk?

"Boss,can you take over this one?" one of the workers called out and stopped the train of thoughts inside Dean's head.

"I'll be back," Benny patted his back and walked over to the car,unaware of the mini-breakdown his friend could have had in his mind.

Dean was fucking petrified.

 

                                                                                      ***

 

His lover looked so peaceful as the early morning light showered him in shades of light yellow. One arm was thrown over his abdomen and the other was under his head. Dean looked beautiful. On mornings like this Cas would linger in bed even after waking up just to  _watch_. His face looked open and young when he slept. Stripped of all his smirks,sneers and frowns,Dean was a perfect picture of serenity and innocence.

It was a Sunday,which meant that both of them had no place to be and could afford losing time like this. Even though he was awake for more than thirty minutes,Cas couldn't bring himself to wake Dean  up. Especially after the way he behaved last night. Dean got back from his mechanic and friend Benny looking extremely stressed and on the edge. He didn't talk much to Cas. Just took his clothes off and went straight to bed,murmuring that ''Everything's fine'' and that he is ''Just tired''.

Cas didn't dwell much on it. Dean can be like that sometimes. Usually,it really was nothing and he would soon forget all about it. And Cas tried doing the same. So,he focused his attention onto his gorgeous,sleeping form.

Strong,toned muscles of his chest lifted lightly as he inhaled,each breath soft and punctuated.  Cas wanted to somehow capture this moment,memorize it,tuck it away and keep it to himself.An idea occurred to him and he stumbled out of the bed and went for one of the still unpacked boxes on the floor. Both of them were too lazy to take all of it out. He sat down on the floor and opened the smaller one. After finding some of the utensils he brought from his former apartment (why the hell did he put them here?) and some books,he managed to fish out his drawing pad and a pencil.

 It already had some sketches in it,various landscapes and sceneries. They were quite old. He didn't take it in his hand for years and holding it now felt strange. And also surprisingly satisfying. Cas immediately noticed the flaws on the first drawing,the shadowing and the wrong angle. He really could use some practice before he starts working,and this will be a good chance. Hopefully Dean wouldn't mind. Maybe he should've asked him? But that would just be awkward and unnecessary. _Hey,can I draw you?  ,_Cas scoffed at himself. After all,it was just a drawing.

Dean was still in the same position when he got back to the bed. His plump lips were parted,soft snoring barely audible. Cas drank in the view for a little while,and the arranged the blanket over Dean's thighs.

First move of the pencil felt somehow foreign,unsure. The second one already brought back some familiarity and his neglected skills. He started off with a hand on the abdomen,paying attention to every toned muscle. It helped that he was able to feel all that flesh underneath his own at some point. The fingers were a little tricky,Cas always struggled with those,but they ended up looking pretty good in the end. Then he proceeded to the chest and spent a ridiculous amount of time on the nipples. Dean stirred,and was now laying on his side. His eyelids fluttered a little but his breathing evened out again,so Cas guessed he was still asleep.

Since Dean was now facing him,Cas might as well start drawing his face. He briefly put some outlines of the shoulders and neck on the paper before he did the contours of the cheeks and chin. He was planning to give the most attention to Dean's eyelashes and freckles. The sun brought them out,beautifully scattered over the bridge of his nose and over the shoulders.

He bit the tip of his wooden pencil as he watched Dean's lips. Those will be tricky,but Cas will try his best because they really needed to be represented on paper in all their glory. He drew an oblique line,shadowing its ends and proceeded to shape what he hoped would be the other man's bottom lip.

He was really trying to get the right curve of Dean's upper lip,not even batting an eyelash,when a voice broke through the room. ''What are ya' up to,Cas?''

Cas jerked his head up,confronting the green-eyed sleepy gaze. He blushed and put the pad behind him. ''Just did some sketching.'',Cas whispered awkwardly.

''You mean, like drawing?'' Dean asked and smirked a little. It looked adorable,Dean squinting on one eye and smiling up at him. ''Of what? C'mon,tell me.'', he teased.

Not seeing the point in lying over this he admitted,''You.'' Cas felt the need to somehow justify his actions,so he tried,''You looked gorgeous.'' Now that it was said aloud,it sounded rather silly.

But Dean only looked away shyly at the praise. Then he locked his gaze on Castiel's. ''Can I see?''

''Nope,it's not done yet.'' And Cas wasn't sure if he wanted to share it with Dean just yet.  _What if Dean doesn't like it?,_ a small part of him asked.

''Please,just for a second.'', Dean begged in a whiny voice and reached behind Cas to try and take it. Cas laughed and swatted his hand away. After a little fightCas ended up pinned under Dean's nakedness,and soon Dean started tickling his sensitive stomach. Between the laughter he managed to squeeze out "okay",grabbing the drawing from under him. He carefully handed it to Dean and waited for reaction. He  _really_  hoped Dean would like it.

Dean furrowed his eyebrows as he examined the sketch. "Wait," he said "you drew this?"

Cas nervously nodded in confirmation."Do you like it?" He kept repeating _Please don't think it's creepy_  inside his head like a mantra. Though he was pleased to notice that Dean's bad mood from last night seemed to have vanished.

"Are you kidding me? It's fucking awesome. I really like it." Dean's eyes kept moving from Cas to the drawing.

"It's not done yet,though.",Cas said and thought of the freckles and eyes and other stuff he had to  fix and add up. Now that he had the support of his inspiration,he might as well finish it right.

"How about you finish it right now?" ,Dean leaned his head on his hand,intentionally jerking his hip up. "Come on,draw me like one of your French girls.",he whispered with a fake accent.

"Oh,shut up." Cas responded,but cracked up at Dean's silliness and boyish charm. Hetook the pencil back in his hand,trying to concentrate again,now that he had a willing model.

It lasted longer than Cas thought it would ,with all the teasing from Dean and stolen kisses. Cas happily complied with the kissing part that threatened to escalate. He would lose his breath from all the laughing when Dean started posing and pouting his lips. When he was satisfied with the drawing,he gave it to Dean for inspection. Dean examined it with a thoughtful expression on his face,he even started stroking his chin.

''Do my nipples really look like this?'' he finally asked and looked down his chest self-consciously. At Cas' shrug and a smile,he grinned. ''You're a real artist,Cas. Everyone's gonna fall on their asses when you start working at that studio.''

''Flattery isn't going to get you anywhere,Winchester.'',Cas scolded him while trying to hide his own blush. Dean was literally the first person to compliment him on his talent. It made Cas feel very emotional.

''Oh,we'll see about that.'' Dean whispered and pulled Cas once again closer to his body. He laid him down and dipped his head to kiss the sensitive spot right behind his ear. As Dean's breath ghosted over his neck,Cas tightened his legs around the other man's waist and stroked a hand over his back.

Dean then moved from the ear to his jaw,dropping small wet kisses over his chin and finally connecting their lips together. He pulled away shortly to give Castiel's bottom lip a gentle bite,then whispered right against his mouth, ''You're so fucking amazing,you know that? ''

Those words were followed by his wet tongue pushing right between Cas' teeth and tangling with Castiel's own tongue. It was a passionate kiss,yet so gentle and sweet.

And as he reached out to cradle Dean's head between his hands,Castiel wondered if this is what being in love feels like.


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

 

The surface beneath his head shifted,gently and carefully,but still noticeable enough to startle Dean from his stoned condition. A warm hand dropped on his sleep-flushed cheek,slender fingers moving and tracing the line of his nose and then his furrowed brow. He was so tired that even opening his eyes would spend too much of his energy. So he didn't. Instead,Dean desperately tried to cling on to the last traces of his dreams,hoping that he'll fall back into the darkness.

The smooth hand hadn't stopped its previous movement and was now caressing his hair with painful tenderness. Dean buried his face deep inside the legs that were currently serving as his pillow. The fabric of the sweatpants Cas wore felt incredibly gentle against his cheeks and smelt awfully like spring.

Aside from Cas' soft sighs and Dean's own shallow breaths,there was no other sound in their dark and  stifling living-room. The TV was on,serving as the only source of light,but neither man was paying any attention to it. And even though he felt like a truck ran over him,Dean couldn't make himself fall asleep once again.

Those struggles didn't go unnoticed by his partners. ''Are you okay?''

Dean opened his eyes and was greeted by the sight of Castiel's huge sea-blue eyes scanning over his face. His hair was,like always,a spiky nest while his lips formed a thin line. He seemed a bit worried,so Dean casually lifted one corner of his mouth,trying to shape something that looked like a smile. ''Yeah. I'm just really fucking tired,but can't fall asleep.''

''You do seem a little stressed. Want me to make you a tea?''

''Nah. Just stay where you are.'' Dean loved moments like this – him and Cas enjoying the closeness of their bodies in silence. It felt intimate. An while it did trigger some heavy thoughts and fears inside him (thanks to that conversation with Benny),it was too fucking good to stop.  

It was one of those things in life that comes unexpectedly and you welcome it,not even realizing you longed for it until then,and suddenly even the slightest thought of losing it rips your heart to tiny little pieces.

That was basically the summary of Dean's feelings towards Cas. Was it love? Dean had no idea. And lately,he found himself not caring about it in slightest. All he knew was that Cas was now a much needed and irreplaceable part of his life,and that he will do anything to make him feel happy and safe. In his opinion,there was no need to bring the L word into it. And it didn't seem that Cas would drop it anytime soon. Which was good.  _Right?_

Cas' hand was advancing up his thigh,when Dean's phone ringed loudly on the table. Cas whined when Dean sat up. "Let me check it. It's probably just-" ,he started,but was silenced when he saw  _DAD_   flash on the screen.

''I gotta take this one." ,Dean murmured,already listing all the possible reasons why John would call. He slowly pulled away from Cas' hand on his shoulder and stood up. "I'll be right back." He really didn't want Cas to witness this conversation - it's usually tough enough without audience. His boyfriend took the hint,and with the glint of worry in his eyes reluctantly turned his attention to the forgotten television.

"Hey,Dad." Dean answered the phone while walking down the hallway to the bedroom.The mere mention of John Winchester made all the sleepiness immediately leave his body.

"Hello,son. Am I interrupting?",his father asked in a tone that obviously suggested he didn't really give a damn.

"Nope,not at all." Dean answered sarcastically. Sam would sometimes find the courage to mouth off John or point out his insensitivity,but Dean's balls aren't really that big. Besides,John was his father. No matter how he may behave,he is still someone who needs to be respected.

"Good. You never seem to have time." Dean decided to let this one go. He didn't have it in him to fight right now,so he stayed silent. John also didn't dwell too much on it.  "Anyway,I was planning a dinner on Friday."

"Okay?" His father would invite him,Sam and Jess (sometimes Bobby,too) on a meal every now and then. Dean would come,be fucking uncomfortable and leave as soon as he's able. Nothing new here.

"Sam and his fiancée will be here.", John continued giving him already known information. Dean was waiting for the other shoe to drop at that point. "We could invite Lisa over,too."

 _For Christ's sake._  His father became even more persistent and annoying since that dinner with the other family. Dean would smoothly ignore every mention and suggestion,trying to show that he was not interested. It didn't matter,because John was. "What? No. Why would you invite her?"

"I thought you liked her." John sounded surprised at Dean's words. Apparently,the man was even more oblivious than Dean thought. Or maybe he just pretended to be. Either way,Dean really needed to set things straight here.

"Liking someone doesn't mean you have to have dinner with them all the time. Or date them. And don't even try hide your motives behind this,because they are obvious." This whole thing was getting extremely tiring. He caught himself walking aimlessly around the bed,his feet already hurting. Dean collapsed on the edge of it with an exasperated sigh.

"Well I'm not saying you should marry her.",his father protested in an even tone. "You could just give it a chance. You two seemed really into each other during that dinner,forgive my observation."

 _Yeah,because I was an idiot_ ,Dean wanted to say. Instead he let out a frustrated groan and said, "Yes,but as friends. Nothing else. Lisa and I are not gonna happen in that way." Not with Castiel still in his life.

It was now John's turn to groan. Sounding rather frustrated,he continued, "How can you know if you refuse to even try it? And I don't know what your plans are,but you're not getting any younger and commitment is something you obviously need to take more seriously beca-''

"I already have someone,okay?" ,Dean everything but shouted. As soon as the words were out of his mouth,he regretted them. But Dean just couldn't take it anymore. All this talk about him not committing or pushing him towards Lisa were too frustrating to be left to continue.

After a few seconds of silence,John asked "You do?"

"Yes,Dad. I'm in a relationship. And a pretty serious one." He couldn't believe he was finally saying it. It felt weirdly satisfying. "So can we end this thing with Lisa?"

"What's her name?" John interrogated,ignoring the plea. ''And why didn't you tell me before?'' His voice didn't give away any of his feelings,but Dean could tell he was surprised to the chore.

"Cas." ,Dean replied automatically. After taking a few moments to let the consequences of his previous action sink in,he was shocked to notice that he wasn't panicking or worrying at all. The only thing he felt was actually  _relief_.  _No more lies._

"Unusual name." Dean already heard the dislike in John's even voice and he only knows his name. "Where does she work?" Typical John-esque question.

 _Ah,here comes the 'she' again._ Now that's what Dean was waiting for. Too bad they can't see each other,because John's face would certainly be priceless when he finds out that Cas is a dude. But he wasn't gonna tell him that just yet. If Dean is going down,at least he'll get to have fun with it. " At an art gallery."

"Artist,you say?" John immediately sounded suspicious and displeased. "That isn't a job you can support a family with."

That was so ironic and really fucking hilarious coming from John. Spikes of bitter anger poked him and Dean didn't even try to hide them in his voice. "How can you talk about something if you know nothing about it?" It was true. John Winchester was a man who  interested himself with many things. Art definitely wasn't one of them. John was also a man who tended to judge everything and everyone even before getting to know them closer. And there wasn't much Dean could do about that.

"Then prove me different. Why don't you bring Cas to the dinner,then? Isn't it time for us to meet,anyway?" His harsh tone left no room for disagreement.

Now it was Dean's turn to sound smug. "I'm sure my boyfriend will agree." Dean pointed out "boyfriend" intentionally.

"Did you just-" ,John sounded alarmed over the phone,his voice a note higher than usually and strangely hoarse. Dean imagined him widen his cold eyes and gaping those thin lips in a perfectly shaped 'o'.

"Probably.",Dean agreed because he knew what part confused his father. "Good night,dad." He couldn't risk his only chance to have the last word,so he quickly hung up and let out a quiet snicker.

When he came back to earth from his daze,Dean realized what fucking terrible idea this was. John and Cas at the same room equals a dead Dean.  _Stupid,stupid,stupid_ ,he scolded himself while giving his forehead a particularly hard slap. But there was no backing down now.

Both John and Dean are perfectly sane adults. Which means that John will have to take a step back from controlling everyone else's life and learn how to accept that things can't always go the way he wants them to. And for Dean it means that he'll finally have to take full responsibility for his actions and take matter into his own hands. Because this was his life. Not John's.  _It can't be that hard,right?_

Dean got back to the living-room with hands buried deep inside his hair,trying not to pull it in all his frustration. He found Cas right where he left him,sitting on the couch with his gaze pointed to the TV,but not really looking at it. His brows were furrowed as he appeared to be deep in thoughts.

Dean stepped right in front of the TV,demanding for his boyfriend's attention,and said in atight voice, "I spoke to my father. He wants us to come for dinner at Friday."

Cas suddenly raised his head while his eyes widened in obvious surprise, "Us? So,I'm guessing you told him about us,then.'' It was said in a flat,emotionless tone.

And just now it hit Dean that he never talked to Cas about this. Didn't ask him whether he wants to make their relationship this public. And they certainly never talked about telling John. ''Are you mad at me?'',Dean asked hesitantly,fearing the answer.

Cas snorted through his nose and crossed his hands in front of his white T-shirt. ''I'm not. Just surprised. How did you tell him? And why?'' The frown now disappeared,replaced by genuine curiosity on his beautiful face.

''He tried to set me up with Lisa Braeden again. I've had enough of it,so I told him. And now he wants to meet you.'',Dean finished awkwardly,rubbing the back of his neck. And this was only a prelude of awkwardness that will happen at the dinner. Cas didn't say anything. He just kept looking at a spot on their glass table covered in papers. ''You know,you can always just not go.'' The last thing Dean wanted was to make Cas feel uncomfortable. It wasn't fair to him at all. Dean agreed to this without his consent.

When he finally looked up to meet his gaze,Dean saw confusion in Cas' eyes. And maybe a small doze of fear. ''I don't know ho-I mean,what will he think of me?''

Dean closed his eyes and raised a hand to rub at his painful temple.  _He'll think that you are a lazy,greedy,self-seeking gold digger._  Because somewhere along the way between losing Mary and his job,John taught himself to always assume the worst in people. Especially the ones that he can't control.

''He'll think that you are a gorgeous,smart individual with extraordinary talent and charm.''

                                                                                        ***

 

A regular ride from their apartment to his father's mansions would probably take half an hour according to Castiel's calculations. And Cas was proud to admit that they were always quite correct. Except for those times when you boyfriend drives like a maniac for no valid reason. They're gonna be there in less than ten minutes. Dean was breaking every single law about speed limits and was definitely bringing many lives in danger. No to mention that Cas felt enough nausea on his own. He really didn't want for the substance of his modest breakfast to end up all over Dean's beloved Impala. He would probably never forgive him that.

''You're gonna get us killed.'',Cas said,unable to control his need to point that out. Even though meeting God sounded slightly less terrifying than meeting John Winchester right now,Cas still couldn't take that risk. When he didn't get a response from his partner,Cas tried again, ''You are driving like a lunatic.''

Dean laughed for no particular reason and evenly responded, ''This is Cleveland. Everyone drives like lunatics.''

Not wanting to question Dean's logic,Cas let it slide. There was too much tension in the car to begin with it. Both of them were on the edge,and with reason - this dinner had the potential to be the worst encounter of their lives. Although,Castiel probably had it worse. Meeting people in general was never an easy task for him. Meeting John Winchester,who was by no means  _like_  other people,seemed impossible to get done.

Their motto while preparing for this dinner was just not to give a damn. Dean is an adult and he can make his own life choices and his father has no right to interfere. And as for John not liking Cas,well there's not much that he could do,really. He was quite used to parents disapproving of him anyway. That still wasn't enough to calm his nerves,so he was sitting in the car and sweating like a pig while his left knee couldn't stop jigging.

All too soon,Dean was stopping the car in front of a huge white house with many windows and a narrow,but spacious balcony. Another car was parked in front of it,and Cas knew it belonged to Dean's brother Sam. He had met Sam one time and it was extremely awkward,but he also seemed very nice. Dean had previously assured him that Sam's fiancee was friendly and kind,as well.  _At least one good thing._

They both got out of the car quickly and walked up to the garden filled with many healthy-looking plants and luxuriant flowers. Once they got to the front door,both stopped frozen.

Dean then turned to him,looking very pale in the face. ''Are you okay?'' Cas wanted him to stop worrying,so he tried to give Dean his best reassuring smile. It probably looked more like a grimace,because Dean widened his eyes and reached for his hand to steady him. ''It's all good. Don't worry.''

To be honest,Castiel was more concerned about Dean than himself. Right before  they walked out of the apartment,Dean drank more than one glass of whiskey. He said it would calm him down,but Cas wasn't seeing any positive effects.

Feeling bold and foolish,Cas raised his hand and rang the bell of doom. It didn't take long for someone to appear and unlock the door. Once they were open,Cas saw a petite blonde with curly hair and shiny eyes reaching out and hugging Dean in a warm embrace.

''Finally.'',the girl exclaimed with a very melodic,soft voice. Then she turned to Cas and extended her tiny hand,all while smiling at him in what seemed to be genuine joy. ''You must be Cas. I'm Jess,nice to meet you.''

Castiel swallowed a particularly big lump in his throat and cheerfully replied, ''Nice to meet you,as well. I heard so much about you.''That was a lie. Dean only told him the basic stuff,which was that she is his brother's fiancee. Still,he didn't know what else to say. Cas was never good at small-talk.

Jess let out a charming giggle. ''It better all be good. I gotta be honest,Cas. When I first heard that Dean has a boyfriend,I thought that Sam was pranking me. But I guess miracles do really happen.''

Next to him,Dean rolled his eyes dramatically and asked in a tight voice, ''Where is Sam,anyway?''

And right in that moment,as if ordered,Sam Winchester peeked through the door and wrapped one large arm around his girlfriend. Dressed in casual jeans and a plaid shirt,with his lush brown hair and sparkling eyes,Sam looked like a cover model from all those fashion magazines Cas never read. ''As much as I understand and support the action,hiding from Dad won't make him any more sufferable later.''

Dean snorted and smothened a hand over his red T-shirt,then brought it to his brother's shoulder and patted it with no real force. ''Can't blame us for trying.''

Sam dismissed his comment and turned his head towards Cas. ''Hey,Cas. It's nice to meet you properly this time. How are you,man?''

Cas shrugged helplessly and went for the truth, ''I'm terrified.''

''Aw,don't be. I mean,Dad can be pretty annoying at times,but he is really harmless.'',Sam responded kindly with a brilliant smile on his young-looking face. Cas was already starting to like both Jess and Dean's brother. ''Come on. It's time to meet the old fart.''

Cas was feeling both too hot and too cold at the same time. Sweat was bursting from his skin uncontrollably as they walked inside the house and went for the dining room. Even in his state of sheer panic,he managed to express admiration for the interior. From the soft red carpet,to the leather sofa and many shelves covered with thick books,everything looked very expensive and clean. Though he did have to admit that the house lacked a certain  _personal_  touch to it.

Soon they reached the dining room and in less than a second Cas found himself face to face with John Winchester himself. His first impression was  that he looked too young. Judging from Dean's previous stories,Cas was expecting an old grandpa with a wrinkled,hard face and cold,tiny eyes.

What he found was a tall middle-aged man with a hard jaw and large hazel eyes. His hair was speckled with more than a few grey strands,but he stood straight and looked extremely vital. If it was anyone else other than his boyfriend's dad,Cas would have thought he was surprisingly attractive.

The man suddenly crossed the small space between them and put both of his hands on Dean's shoulders,taking him in for an embrace. Few seconds later,Cas became the target of those intense eyes. He was well aware that he was being scanned from head to toe,though there wasn't anything sexual about it. Cas wondered what the other man thought. Was he attractive enough to be Dean's partner?

John Winchester politely offered his hand for Cas to shake,which he did,praying to God that John doesn't notice the traces of his sweat. ''Lovely to meet you,Cas.'',he said and Cas was surprised by the roughness of his voice. It was the kind of voice you notice even in enormous talking crowds. The kind of voice that demanded to be heard. ''Is Cas really your name?''

 _This man doesn't waste time_ ,Cas concluded,taken aback by the bluntness of the question. Still,he managed to normalize his voice and respond, ''No,sir. Actually,it's Castiel. Novak. Pleasure to meet you as well.''

And if Cas expected a correction from the 'sir' to something more friendly,he certainly didn't get it. He also couldn't read anything behind the other man's stoic expression. Thus,he had no idea what kind of first impression did he leave. Cas tried to catch Dean's gaze for any sort of sign or instruction,but his boyfriend wouldn't even look at him.

Instead,he was focused on his father,face hard and tense. ''How are you,father?''

''Quite alright. And please,do sit down.'' He pointed to the empty chairs circling the nicely decorated table. Cas and Dean were sitting next to each other,facing Sam and Jess,while John sat at the top of the table.  _No confusion on who's the boss here._ Heck,that was obvious even without the sitting arrangement. John Winchester just screamed control freak and perfectionist in Cas' humble opinion.

Surprisingly enough,first part of the dinner went pretty smoothly for Cas. Mostly because no one actually paid attention to him. John immediately brought up the topic of the company Dean works in,and that really had nothing to do with Cas,so he stayed quiet.

He decided to watch Dean instead. They still hadn't exchanged glances with each other,let along words,but Cas was understanding. He knew this was nerv-wrecking for Dean. And apparently,his Dad didn't care (or realize) that this was a family dinner,because he immediately started questioning Dean about his current plans and future projects in the firm. The fact that there weren't any at the moment seemed to have really bothered him. On the other side,Sam and Jess talked in hushed voices,not even trying to change the subject. Well,Sam did sort of try,but John purposely ignored it.

They were all enjoying the tastes of a wonderfully made veal with mushrooms and potatoes while drinking blood-red wine. Well,if what Dean did could be described as 'drinking'. He was literally swallowing glass by glass,not even keeping count. And when John offered him something stronger,he didn't hesitate in accepting.

Castiel's luck didn't last long,because John suddenly turned to him with an expecting expression and asked, "Cas,I hear you're an artist.'' He pronounced the last word as if it was something ridiculous and displeasing. Cas tried not to take it too personally. After he confirmed the statement,John continued, "And is that permanent or are you going to find an actual job?"

"Dad!" Sam hissed warningly.

"Actual job?" Cas blurted in awe. What else could he say? He wondered what would John's reaction be to his previous job. He almost laughed out loud.

"Something you actually get paid for.",the other man clarified,obviously unaware of his rudeness.

"I am quite happy with the paycheck at the gallery.",Cas responded as politely as he could,though his voice sounded tight and breathy. He was overtaken by a sudden wave of sympathy for both Dean and Sam. Living with a person like this can't be easy.

"And I'm guessing that Dean's paycheck isn't small at all.'' That comment really felt out of place and it took Cas a few seconds to realize what was he actually suggesting. He felt his cheeks flush involuntarily. He looked up and searched for help from Dean with his eyes,but was startled by the fact that Dean wasn't looking t him at all. Instead,he was staring at his empty plate with terrifying intensity.

"Well,he's not complaining.'',Cas said with a forced smile,because Dean seemed unable to respond. But he was able to pick up a full glass from the table and bring it to his lips. At the sight,something in Castiel's chest started to ache and it spread right through his whole body. Why wasn't Dean saying anything? Cas didn't need anyone fighting his battles for him,but a little help right now would be more than welcome.

The next few minutes passed in an uncomfortable silence where everyone pretended that their plates were the most fascinating thing in the world. Jess then abruptly started talking about the new couch she and Sam brought for their living-room. Sam picked up on it and took over the conversation. Watching Sam and Jess talk so (desperately) cheerfully about furniture almost brought a smile to Cas' face.

The smile was,of course,stopped by loud and unexpected laughter coming from Dean himself. Cas allowed himself a quick glance at his way. With his cheeks so flushed and gaze unfocused,it was clear that Dean was drunk off his ass. And Cas felt like crying.  _Dear God,can it get worse?_

Jess must have noticed the look on his face because she stood up and grabbed her plate. "Cas,let's take the dishes to the kitchen.''

He nodded and immediately started picking up all the empty plates from the table. Right now,Cas wanted to be away. Away from John,and from Dean. Especially from him. Cas wasn't sure how he was going to look into those green eyes tomorrow.

When they arrived in the kitchen Jess leaned on the sink and turned to Cas. "Are you okay?" she asked knowingly. It was her and Sam who were trying to keep things together.

"Yeah," he said,but his voice cracked a little "I am." Nothing bad,aside from an implied insult,actually happened. And really,Cas has had worse. But this coming from Dean,the person he cares most about in the whole world,hurt him. Does Dean actually agree with his father or was he just too afraid of him to step up?

"It's not gonna make things better," she said "but we've all been through this. He was like that with me,too. And I think, now,it's safe to say that he really likes me. Maybe he just wanted to see your reaction. Please don't let it get to you."

She was talking about the comment that John made,but Cas didn't dwell much on that. It was somewhat expected. A nearly unemployed guy suddenly moving in with his much richer (and older) boyfriend in less than five months could smell a little fishy to people like John.

So he told Jess as much. ''But Dean… He just sat ther-'',Cas interrupted himself and raised a hand to rub at his forehead. He shouldn't be having this conversation right now. But he also couldn't go back there just yet. Not to watch Dean drink himself stupid.

''Listen to me.'',Jess whispered and grabbed both of his hands. ''I know that you feel hurt. And you should. It was awful. But you have to understand that Dean is not himself when it comes to John. It's been like that since forever. He can't even stand up to him for his own sake,let along someone else.''

''I am aware of that,but…what if he really feels that way?''

''No,Cas,he doesn't. He cares about you so much. The fact that he found courage to bring you here speaks more than a thousand words. And I'm not justifying him,but I don't want you to rui-''

She was interrupted by the sudden clatter in another room. They both turned around to see  Dean laughing and picking up the broken glass. He spotted Cas and threw him a drunken smile. "Whoops!" he giggled.

Cas closed his eyes for a second and tried to pretend that all this was just a bad dream. But when he felt a heavy hand fall across his back,pretending didn't seem like an option anymore. When he opened his eyes Cas became aware of Dean's intense gaze on his face. ''What do you want?''

The other man laughed again and brought him even closer by the waist. He tried bring their heads together and press his lips to Castiel's,but he just turned his head the other way. ''You look so beautiful right now.'',Dean slurred while dropping a wet kiss to his cheek,and then another one behind his ear.

''And you look drunk.'',Cas responded dryly. He gave up on his struggles to escape Dean's embrace and allowed his body to be pulled against Dean's hard chest.

''I'm sorry.'',he whispered in his ear. ''But you are just so irresistible. Even more than in that club. Remember that? The first time we met.'' Cas remembered it too well,so he just nodded his head,hoping that Dean will drop it. "Hey,Jess, I never told ya how me'n my lovely boyfriend met."

''Heck,you haven't even told me that.'',Sam's voice broke through the room,as he came inside and leaned against Jess. ''Dad's in the bathroom,by the way.''

 _Oh fuck_. Either Dean's going to think of a lie or he's just incredibly stupid. Cas tried to cover his mouth with a palm but Dean skillfully avoided it and started blabbering, 

"See,I was at some club an' then this sexy sonuvabitch comes to me."

Jess smiled a little at that,obviously expecting a charming story. Sam just rolled his eyes and murmured something that sounded like 'typical'. "Dean..." Cas warned him,squeezing his shoulder with unexpected force.

Dean ignored him. "And you know how it goes. It was surprisingly physical after that. But then he mentions money and I-"

"That's enough,Dean." Cas whispered in panic. "I think we should go."

"What money?",John Winchester asked in an intrigued tone as he walked right into the middle of his fancy kitchen and crossed his arms.

And Dean was even more drunk than Cas had previously thought,because he looked ecstatic at John's question. "Oh,Cas had a rather interesting job before. You see,he was a prostitu-"

"Dean!" Cas shouted and Dean fell silent,looking hurt and confused. "I really think we should get you home."

A silence stretched among them as everyone looked at Cas in pure shock. He abruptly turned his head away,feeling a generous amount of blood rush to his face and a painful stung in his eyes. Castiel took one deep,painful breath and went for the door,not looking back _. Screw Dean. Screw everyone._

He ran out of the house and stormed outside where rain was pouring fast,slapping him across the face with each fall. His view was blurry,but he spotted the car and walked towards it. Cas tried to open the door,but soon realized that he didn't have keys. Despite that,he tugged at the handle with maniac force until a hand grabbed his shoulder and a body slumped against his own.  _Dean._

Castiel turned around and immediately started searching for the needed object in Dean's pockets. The other man was nothing more than a pliant sack in his arms,so,as soon as he unlocked the door,Dean dropped in the seat and barely managed to close the door.

The dark-haired man turned the engine and drove off the Winchester's property,cursing himself for even thinking this would be a good idea. Why did Dean have to be so stupid? If his father didn't like him before,now he's gonna absolutely despise him. And Jess and Sam will never look at Cas the same way.

Cas wasn't ashamed of his past,far from it. It was a tough life and Cas did what needed to be done to survive. But,unfortunately,not many people were able to show understanding or sympathy,and were always so quick to judge him. Dean's father will be no different.

Leaning his head on the cold glass of the window,he heard Dean's broken voice "Cas,I'm so-"

"I'm tired,Dean."

Not long after that,the sounds of Dean's soft snores filled the otherwise quiet car.

Cas doesn't even know how he managed to drive them home safely or how he carried an extremely heavy Dean up to their apartment. Or how he fought off the urge to leave that drunken bastard in the middle of the street. But he didn't bother taking his clothes off or making him comfortable after dropping him on the bed.

Castiel slept on the couch that night.


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

 

The sharp stag of pain on the right side of his neck woke him from dreamless sleep.Refusing to open his eyes,he groaned in the pillow and tried to turn on the other side,then almost  fell after realizing that he is not laying in his extensive comfy bed. Forming thoughts seemed hard,so Cas allowed himself a few minutes of pure and utter blankness.

Only when Castiel made a move to pull up the usual silky sheets over himself and found a blanket they keep in the living room,that the memories of last night started kicking in.  _Shit._

He tried to get up,only to be stopped by a sudden dark shadow passing over his eyes. His legs felt weak and shaky,so Cas gave up on the idea of standing on them. Touching the back of the leather couch with his own (covered in unusual amount of sweat),he took a deep breath and grabbed a bottle of water placed on the table in front of him. The liquid felt stale and thick against his tongue,but it stopped the painful burn in his dry throat.

It was a tough night for him. Aside from the obvious lack of space and uncomfortable pad under him,he found it hard to escape his thoughts. Cas had struggled with falling asleep the previous night,and when he finally did,strange dreams and thoughts would wake him up,leaving him raw and restless.

He didn't want to admit how much he missed the familiar heat of the other body curled around him.

 _No_ ,Cas warned himself sternly. He wasn't gonna think about that,about  _him_ ,now. The least he could do is grant his body a cup of tea and some fresh air before latching onto memories of last night. So,he got up and went to the kitchen,looking for a clean cup and a box of mint teabags. Once the calming smell of the hot drink filled his nostrils,Cas felt like he could truly breath again.

It was still pretty early – the soft light of the rising sun threw its rays across the room and reflected their beauty in each dark corner. Just then he spotted the plastic case of a movie they watched the other night on the floor. Cas picked it up and put it back on the TV.

And on a shelf above the TV,between all of their books and papers,proudly stood a picture of Dean and Cas entwinded in a gentle embrace. He couldn't recall the exact moment Dean took it - they were lying in bed with Dean's mouth connected to Cas' flushed cheek. But he remembered being pleasantly surprised when Dean framed it and put it in plain sight of their living room. Now it just seemed like it didn't belong here at all.

Cas used to melt everytime he came across it,mouth spreading in a silly little smile and belly full of restless butterflies. Now it physically pained him to look at it. The Cas and Dean from the picture seemed too happy,their smiles mocking and cruel,and eyes too bright for it to be real.

Suddenly,Cas was the one that felt out of place. Still dressed in his clothes for yesterday,he didn't even bother to change,just stormed through the door,purposley leaving his phone on the shelf. He needed to be alone and undisturbed right now.

Dean's is probably still sleeping in the bedroom,oblivious to the mess he made. Either way,he didn't care. The idea of Dean choking on his own vomit actually sounded quite appealing at the moment. A part of him wanted to freak out because of  that thought and the pleasure it brought,but the other just assured Cas that he _could_  allow himself these little cruelties. Dean sure did often enough.

But the issue of their relationship still stood,no matter how hard Cas tried to ignore it. He should probably be surprised that he didn't see it all coming sooner. They both rushed into this without really thinking about it.  _We weren't ready,_ Cas thought with pity.

And even if they were,even if everything in their relationship had gone smoothly and perfectly,they could never be strong enough to overcome the obsticle that John Winchester represented.

Maybe it was inevitable. His past and Dean's present were bound to catch up with them.  Not everyone will be so supportive and understanding,Cas knew that. The most important thing was that both of them were on terms with it. Which they were. At least Cas thought Dean was. But what if Dean shares his father's opinion? And even if he doesn't,Cas couldn't stand living through something like that again. Not without Dean by his side.

It would be easy to just blame it all on Dean. And it would still be fair. He was a grown man,for Christ's sake.His father has  no right to dictate his life,especially not his relationship. And how can Dean just sit and listen? Where are his goddamn balls?

But it isn't that easy,never is with Cas. He's the one that knows from first hand how difficult standing up to their parents can be. Cas himself never found courage to do so (despite how much he craved to). And unfortunately,he knows better than to just dump it all on Dean's back. Because Dean lived like that his whole life,that's just the way he functions.  _Daddy's obedient soldier_. And trying to change another person's chore wasn't something Cas felt he could do.

He didn't even want to. Castiel was screwed up too much on his own and there was no point in adding Dean on that pile as well. He sometimes wished that he was more naïve,more of an optimist. Because then he would be able to pretend that it would get better. He could convince himself that two wrongs make a right and that he and Dean could heal together. Fix each other.

Too bad that reality always struck him in most blatant,painful ways. And Cas stopped hoping a long time ago,anyway. Nothing of it would ever came true.

But still a stubborn part of him didn't want to give it all up. Castiel was in love with Dean. Despite all his walls and protection,no matter how much he tried to fight it,Cas had fallen in love with that unendurable,broken,beautiful man and there was no going back.

He fell for the crinkles around Dean Winchester's eyes,the ones that would appear everytime he'd shower Cas in the beauty of his brilliant boyish smile. He fell for those freckles that covered every single part of his smooth tanned skin that always felt like silk under Cas' experienced mouth. He fell for those arms  that held him with such delibate gentleness and offered him silent comoft in cold nights.

Dean had made Castiel feel beautiful,made him feel comfortable with his own body,with himself.

He was walking down a familiar street,even though he couldn't remember getting there,trying to avoid the rushing bodies to bump against him. It proved to be unsuccessful as a young woman basically ran into him,shaking both their balances.

"Sorry.",she said,pressing a book on her chest tighter and smiled apologetically. 

She was dressed in a warm jacket with her hair tucked in a messy ponytail,and just then Cas realized how cold it actually is. His body immediately started shuddering in desperate need of any protection from the freezing air. Leaving without a jacket or scarf probably wasn't the brightest idea Cas ever had.

"It's my fault,I wasn't looking where I was going." ,he replied and tried to return a smile,but it probably looked as painful as it felt,judging by the girl's reaction.

"Are you okay?" she asked with both eyebrows raised.

"Not really."

A flash of panic appeared on her face,then disappeared when she eyed him from head to toe and realized that his body seemed uninjured and in perfect health. She appeared to be in a rush,and why would she care about his problems anyway,so she wished him a good day,and hurried to her destination. He turned his head around and caught her brown hair disappearing in the mass.

No,he wasn't okay. In fact,the encounter with John last night opened his eyes. It wasn't so perfect what they had,Cas knew it never was. But at least he got that delusion where they had no problems out of his head.

That's when Castiel asked himself,in doubt and despair,if they could overcome them.

 

                                                                                        ***

 

Dean toyed with the sleeve of his grey woolly jumper,pulling the yarns gently but consistently. He felt nervous and particularly uncomfortable under his brother's heavy gaze,and found it impossible to return it. Instead,he reached out for the steaming cup of black coffee in front of him and took a long sip. The liquid lacked sugar and burned the flesh of his sensitive tongue,but Dean took liberty in enjoying everything that hurts him this morning. He deserves it.

"Why didn't you tell me,Dean?",Sam finally asked,breaking the intense silence.

Dean took a painfully deep breath and raised his eyes towards Sam. It was hard to look into those warm expressive eyes and not feel the weight of everything he had done yesterday. "I'm sorry,Sammy." ,his voice sounded  hoarse and strained.

"I mean,I understand the delay with Dad. I would be hesitant too,but…" ,Sam stopped himself and pulled one hand through his long brown hair that currently touched his shoulders. Dean thought that he could really use a haircut. "You could've told me,man.",Sam whispered at last.

Speaking of his father,Dean was pleasantly surprised when he didn't receive a call from him this morning.  It wasn't very usual for his father. If something bothered him,he'd make sure to let Dean know it,loudly. The silent treatment was quite new,and in some measure frightening as well.

"I didn't know how.",Dean answered sincerely when he noticed Sam's impatient expression. "It's not exactly something you mention along the way."

"Okay,I get that...but what did you expect from me? You know that I wouldn't judge Cas. Or you. Both Jess and I."

"It's just that it would get tough sometimes,and I didn't want more crap to deal with." He knew that it was just a pathetic excuse,but it didn't stop him from using it. His head still hurt from a particularly hard hangover,probably because he didn't even bother taking some pills,but it didn't matter. Dean wanted to feel the pain.

The taller man gave him another murderous glare. "And don't even get me started on your behavior. Your drinking is becoming a real problem,Dean. You can't control yourself.''

"Oh,come on,Sam.",the  shorter man protested weakly. "I'm not a freaking alcoholic. It's just that Dad drives me crazy sometimes and drinking is the only way I can deal with him. But I have control over it."

Sam just shook his head and continued, "And poor Cas just sat there and listened. I mean,Dad can be tough most times,but last night he was just being plain rude. And you didn't do anything. Heck,I barely know the guy,but I am hundred percent sure that he is not using you."

Dean knew that. But what was he supposed to do? Now it seemed ridiculous,but replaying the situation in his head,being back in that room with his father,Dean felt paralyzed.

Another memory unfolded itself in his mind. The one more than ten years old,where Dean first stood up to his father. He knew too damn well how that ended. Those hurtful words and the disappointment in his dad's eyes were forever glued to his mind and had no intention of leaving him alone. And no matter how much he wanted to,Dean had no strength to relive it again. Even if it's for a person for whom he cares most in the world.

Because Dean Winchester was a fucking coward.

"How is he,anyway?",Sammy asked,much  softly this time.

"I...don't know." They haven't seen each other yet. Dean had woken up around noon. By that time,Cas had already been gone without leaving a note or bringing his cell phone. Dean's first reaction was to panic ( _Cas left him!_ ),but he calmed down when he saw all his stuff still in the closet and around the apartment. "We haven't talked. Or seen each other."

Sam's expression softened even more,his face showing clear pity for Dean. "Do you…",he started,then stopped to take another deeper breath before stuttering out, "Do you think you guys can get through this?"

Dean visibly flinched. He had no answer for that question because he honestly didn't know.

His brother looked alarmed by his lack of response. "No,you can't let Dad ruin this for you. Jesus,Dean. How long will it take for you to just fucking stand up to him?",Sam became louder,and people at the next table turned to them. The brothers ignored them.

"Like that would change anything! It's not like things would be different."

" _Everything_  would be different,Dean."

They stared at each other for a long time. Maybe Sam was right. His whole life would be different. But he can't just blame it all on Dad. Most of it was Dean's own doing. All of their fights and all of Castiel's tears were sorely Dean's responsibility. Even if it weren't for John,Dean would find another way to hurt Cas. No matter how much promises he gave and how hard he tried,he would always end up doing it.

"But it's not just this,Sammy. I hurt him all the time. And something is always standing in our way.",his voice was barely a whisper. "I'm just not sure if we are strong enough to keep fighting it all."

Despite all his intelligence and wisdom,Sam had no appropriate answer for that.

"What am I going to do?" Dean finally asked.

"Only thing you can do right now is apologize 'till your tongue falls into a knot. And mean it. Or you can give both of you a break from all the pain and each go your own way. It's your choice."

 

 *

 

Dean found Cas sitting on the bed with a heavy book placed on his thighs. He felt a sharp pang of guilt when he noticed the paleness of the other man's face and the dark circles around those beautiful eyes. Cas obviously felt his presence and gaze because he immediately tensed and straightened his back.

"Cas?",Dean called out quietly,still standing at the door of their bedroom.

"Yes?" Cas didn't even look up.

"I want to talk.",he said and started cautiously walking towards him before hesitantly sitting on the edge of the bed.

The other man suddenly looked uncomfortable. "I...I can't. I'm busy." Cas threw the book on the bed and tried to stand up,but Dean caught him by his wrist. He wasn't going to let it go this time. Now both of them were standing next to the edge of their bed with Castiel's back turned to Dean's chest.

"I'm sorry,Castiel." The shorter man's struggling only brought their bodies closer. Dean pressed his nose to Cas' shampoo-smelling hair while his rising chest clung to his back.

"I don't want to hear that.",Cas answered in a carefully calm,but incredibly cold tone.

"But I need you to know it,Cas. I need to fix this. Fix us." No matter what happens between them now or in the future,Dean wanted to set things straight.

"How could you possibly fix it?" Cas asked,suddenly angry. "You fucked us up!" His left elbow hit Dean in the gut when he started struggling even harder. Dean then wrapped both his arms around Castiel's middle,holding him tightly but not so much to cause any pain.

"I didn't want to hurt you,please baby..." it slipped out before Dean could stop himself. It was whispered gently straight into the other man's ear and it made him shiver.

"Don't you fucking call me that. You have no right." Cas dug his nails into the thick skin of Dean's forearms and swatted his arms away. He turned around and Dean finally saw his face. Blue eyes looked stormy with fury,and his usually pale cheeks filled with angry blood. "You never meant to hurt me,yet you do it again and again. It's the same damn story every time!"

"I'm trying so hard," he whispered, "but I keep making mistakes. I feel like it's not in my control." It wasn't a lie. One of Dean's biggest fears was hurting Cas. But it just keeps happening.

"And is that supposed to be an excuse?"

"It's not an excuse,Cas. You didn't deserve any of this." That's the funny thing about life – you end up with something you haven't even signed up for in the first place. "I'm really sorry about the dinner. You didn't need to see that."

Cas' eyes snapped to him again,and he laughed. "Your father called me a gold digger,and you did nothing to claim otherwise!", he shouted in a shaky voice. "Is that what you think I am? Is that what this is about?"

All of this wasn't going near as planned,but then again,Dean didn't have a plan.Sam's words were still ringing in his head.  _It'_ _s your choice._ But Dean didn't know how to choose. And,in the end,whatever he does choose,someone is still gonna get hurt.

"No! How can you even think so?" Dean said brokenly "I was drunk,Cas." He was the worst goddamn drunk,always spilling things he shouldn't. Or ending up in someone's bed naked. He wasn't sure which of the two was worse.

"I know,Dean. You are always drunk. Why don't you try doing something about that too? God knows it's gonna be hard because it is all you ever do,but at least try it. For yourself if not for me."

Dean wanted to get angry and yell that it wasn't like that. Only that he was painfully aware of its truthfulness. He does have a problem with alcohol. Dean could lie to the world and surprisingly to Sam as well,but he can't deceive himself. Alcohol is his escape exist whenever things get rough. That's the only way he can cope,and it's been like that for years.

In front of him,Cas looked like a mess. His hair was wild,sticking in every possible direction and falling across his eyes. Blue eyes seemed unusually glassy with unshed tears and plump mouth shook with anger as he glared at Dean with all his being. Dean wanted nothing more than to pull him in his arms and kiss away those trembles that disturbed his body,but he knew that wasn't an option,so he  kept the distance.

"I would have done anything for you.",Dean whispered at last.

Upon hearing those words,Cas closed his eyes as  if it physically hurt him to hear them spoken aloud. Then,in an equally quiet whisper,he replied, "I somehow have trouble believing that."

There was a question on the tip of his tongue. He should probably know better than to voice it,but Dean was desperate enough for the answer. He _needed_  to know. "All this time…why did you even bother with me?"

It didn't make any sense to him. Dean was an emotionally handicapped douche who constantly said and did the wrong things and always let his insecurities get the better of him. And Cas was this fucking bright star whose shine made the world a better place. What was he doing with a guy like Dean whose dark clouds never seem to leave him at peace?

Castiel's face turned into a grimace as he desperately shouted at Dean,voice echoing through the painfully quiet apartment, "Because I fucking love you! I love you,and despite everything,I don't want to give you up. Give  _us_  up."

Dean was already struggling with talking,but now he was speechless. He didn't hear that a lot and it sounded somehow foreign. Dean loved his brother,and Sam loved him. But they didn't say it out loud that often. His parents loved him,John in his own way. And apparently...Castiel. Castiel  _loved_  him. Dean swallowed a lump in his dry throat.

And Cas…he was looking at him expectantly,eyes bright with hope and affection. "Cas,I..." Why couldn't he finish it? "I..." he tried again,but felt like he was drowning.

And in that exact moment,standing there and looking at the man who meant the world to him,Dean made his decision.

Dean has put him through so much. He has hurt them both enough for a life time. And he wasn't gonna do that anymore. Because caring about someone, _loving_ someone,meant that you would do anything to make that person happy. Even sacrifice your own happiness or desires to achieve that.

Dean wanted so much for them. He wanted to be with Cas,wanted him by his side. In his bed,in his life,in his heart. But you can't keep hurting a person and expect them to keep loving you. And sometimes you just have to know when to let things go.

Because Castiel deserved so much better than Dean could give him. He deserved stability and security,romance and affection. He deserved 'I love you's being shouted from the rooftops just for him and someone who could do that without restrain or fear.

Dean couldn't do that for him,but he could do something else. Do something right for him just once. Let him go. Set him free.

Defeat in Cas' blue eyes as a tear strolled down his beautiful,pained face will haunt Dean for a long time. "Okay…",he muttered and brought a hand to his face to whip the wet stripes from his cheeks. "So,I guess we are done here…"

Dean said nothing.

"Goodbye,Dean.",Castiel said at last,voice strangely loud,but flat. In the next moment he turned around a walked through the door,gone.

Dean stood still,as everything around him started falling apart. And didn't wise men used to say that sacrifice is the greatest proof of love?


End file.
